Life Begins at 2AM

Gunther Schvwardson versus the ____ Modelling Agency

2011-09-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Gunther? No!

So Gunther got a strange email the other day. Not from yet another lucky bastard who's sitting on the multi-million dollar fortune of a guy who died in a plane crash, but from a modelling agency. Now some of you may not know this, but Gunther has a daughter. Jaquanda Schvwardson. Jaquanda might look familiar to you for those of you keeping track of Gunther's love stories. Gunther did his research on said agency and found out a few, rather discouraging things, and well... it rubs Gunther the wrong way.

Is it legal? Yep. Is it fraud? Nope. Are the people who fall for it naive and perhaps even stupid to have not done their research? Probably. Do they all have dreams? Yep. Is it right to take advantage of their dreams? "Right"? Well not in Gunther's eyes. But Gunther has a strange morality that what is legal isn't always right. So... Gunther doesn't like this. This hits home a lot closer than those damn Nigerian Scammers. Frankly speaking, this pisses Gunther off. There is but one sin in this world, and Greed is thy name. However, as advised by Kaiser Wilhelm, Gunther's esteemed attorney, some names/places have been changed to protect Gunther's vast estate worth several billion dollars (pending bank documents from Nigeria and the Netherlands). Enter "Carlos".

#1 "Carlos" Spams Gunther
Not sure where they troll for their email addresses but this one came out of the blue. This is actually the second email that Carlos sent. The first was ignored. Gunther was willing to let it go. Since that wasn't enough of a sign of non-interest, Carlos sent a second one. What was that saying from Yamamoto about being scared of awakening a sleeping giant?
--------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:41:53 -0500
From: carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
To:
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa Models of XX Talent Agency

Good Afternoon and sorry for the double emails,
I wanted to follow up, for I sent you an email last week about Wi_______a Models of XX seeking diverse talent for the state of NY and XX. If you have sent your information, then please disregard this email.
Visit http://www.wxxxxxxxxx.com/ and http://www.wixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/ to learn more about us.
If you have yet submitted and show interest, I need you to submit the information below to be invited to our Open Call - By Invitation Only.
WHEN SUBMITTING, TYPE IN THE SUBJECT LINE:
- State you reside in
- Area of Interest: Actor or Model
(Example. . . New York, Model)
IN BODY:
- Name
- Age
- Parents' name, if under 18
- Contact information
- Ethnicity
- Current Body Measurements: (height, weight, bust, chest, hips, waist)
- Short bio of your experience
- How you hear about WxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA (Website Ad, Friend, etc.)
PLEASE ATTACH:
- Headshot / Professional Photos
- Recent Photos (Full Body)
- Resume
To: carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
-
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
-----
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 X. E_ Street
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
*************************

#2 Gunther Tests Carlos' Limits
I mean, the thinly veiled racism in this should be enough to turn them off, if not the thinly veiled insanity, but... greed has no limits.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Carlos
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2011 9:47 AM
Subject: RE: Pxxxxxxxxxxa, Model

Dear Mr. Carlos,
I am writing for my daughter, Jaquanda Schvwardson. Here is the information you requested:
Name: Jaquadna Schvwardson
Age: 17
Parent's Name: Gunther Schvwardson
Contact information: ______@yahoo.com
Ethnicity: African-Latvian-American
Current Body Measurements: 5'9.5", 115 pounds, 34B, 24, 36.
Short Bio: My daughter is a lovely girl I do wish for her to be a model like her mother was. Her mother died when she was very young and now I wish for her to work hard for the money. Work hard for it honey. So you better treat her right.
How you hear about WxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA (Website Ad, Friend, etc.) - Email.

(Editors note: The grammatical error above is from his original email. Very professional and all.)
I do not have professional pictures of my daughter, just this one photo I took of her myself. Please do not fault her if the outfit is not to your liking, I dressed her myself because I think I have great fashion senses. Please do let me know what is the next step of this process as i am very anxious to make her make this invited open call!
Thank you very much!
Muchos gracias senor Carlos!
-Gunther

I know, you're thinking she looks an awful lot like that Sonia Kipkalya... She get's that a lot.

#3 Carlos Lays out the Carrot
Ah the dreams of an Open Call! And, like every other licensed NYC Agency, it's held on a weekend. And by "Every other licensed NYC Agency" I mean none of them. Agencies don't hold open calls on weekends, they hold them on weekdays when their agents are all already in the office.
---------------------------------------------
From: "WxxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA"
To:
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2011 3:38 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxa Sept 17th

Hello, your timing was perfect!

For I reviewed your recent submission and would like Jaquanda and Guardian to attend our open call (by invitation only), for possible Modeling and/or Acting representation with Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa.
Invitation Date:
This Saturday - Sept. 17th @ 1:30pm or 3:30pm [Reply To Confirm Your Attendance]
Located @:
Wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa
701 E. XXX Street
Cxxxxxen, XX
DIRECTION - CLICK HERE
Please reply, confirming the above open call date/time, then I will give you the necessary details. If any questions or concerns, please feel free to email me and I will answer them in a timely manner.
Most commonly asked questions:
What is the cheapest method of transportation to Cxxxxxx
Most talent take the bus or Amtrak to xxxxxxxx. Then take the Manyunk/Norristown Regional Rail line from 30thst. station and get off at Spring Mill. The office is 5 minutes away.
Why must I meet on a weekend?
Meeting on a weekend gives the staff from Wxxxxxxxa Models more space and time to see potential talent.
Can I be seen at another branch location?
If you are interested in a different branch, then you must resubmit to their location. But, please note, that our talent gets placed with the affiliated offices.
--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxa
666 E. E__Street
CxxxxxxxxxxN, XX
http://www.wixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
************************
DISCLAIMER: W_xxxxxx_a is one of the preeminent modeling agencies in the world. In the past, impostors have used websites and email addresses incorporating the W_xxxxxx_a name. Such activities do not have the authorization of W_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl, Inc. and they are fraudulent. Please go to http://www.xxxxxxxx.cfm/, to locate all of the legit affiliated offices of Wxxxxxxx_a International, Inc.

#4 Gunther Gets Confused
Is this the same Guardian from the Comics? James Jacob "Jim" Harper? (How do you like that reference, nerds?) Cuz then that'd be pretty damn cool. And Gunther ups the racism some more, all without even knowing this guy's last name! He could be anything, but Carlos is somewhat Spanish sounding.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: carlos@wixxxxxxxxxx_a.com
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2011 3:48 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa Sept 17th

Hello Senor Carlos!
This is most exciting!! I am to be praying that my dreams for my daughter do come true! But who is this Guardian? Do I have to find this person and make them go with my daughter to this location? I would be scared that this person may take advantage of my daughter as she can be quite unstable at times, but she works very hard for her money. I do not want her to have acting representation, only modelling representation. Do you need more pictures of Jaquanda? I will take pictures today of her wearing a bathing suit or her underwear and send those if necessary.

Please let me know who is Guardian and why must he go with my daughter instead of me. I would like to make this trip. I rarely get to leave the house, as I am retired and I like to eat babaganoush.

Thank you for the very exciting news! I will tell Jaquanda and I am sure she will scream.
-Gunther

#5 Carlos Clarifies
Because there weren't any red flags whatsoever in Gunther's previous email. But yes, I'd say Wxxxxxxxxa should have some concerns. And, in spite of those concerns, Gunther is still invited to the open call! Fantastic!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "WxxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA" wxxxxxxxxxxxxxt@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Wednesday, September 14, 2011 2:47 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa - Concern

We meant you (the parent) please bring your daughter this Saturday. I will schedule you guys for 3:30pm open call. See you then!

--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 E. ExxStreet
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wil_xxxxxxxxxxxx_xxxxa.com/
***********************************************
DISCLAIMER: Wxxxxxx__a is one of the preeminent modeling agencies in the world. In the past, impostors have used websites and email addresses incorporating the W_xxxxxxx name. Such activities do not have the authorization of W__xxxxx_a International, Inc. and they are fraudulent. Please go to http://www.wxxxxx.cfm/, to locate all of the legit affiliated offices of Wxxxxxxx_a International, Inc.

#6 Gunther Pushes
Gunther pushes too far, perhaps?
-------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 14, 2011 4:57 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Concern

Dear Senor Carlos,
Pardon my age, at 78 I am lucky if I remember to use the toilet. Would it be possible for your friend, this man you called Guardian, to bring my daughter Jaquanda to this place? I am not available at 3:30PM on that day as I have a massage scheduled with an Asian girl who I was going to ask to come with me to this open call later that evening at 6:30PM as she said she used to be a model as well and I would like to add her to my list of women making money for me. However she is 18 years of age, I confirmed this with her and her name is Yu Shu. Can I bring Yu Shu at 6:30PM instead of my daughter and let your friend Guardian bring my daughter at 3:30PM instead?
I have given her a key chain with mace, in case Guardian tries to place his hands on her pantaloons. Sometimes she likes to eat babaganoush with me but we haven't had any since we ate Mexican Taco's last week. I like to watch zebras.
Thank you for your understanding.
Gunther

#7 Jaquanda Makes the Open Call!!
Without even waiting for Gunther's reply (the one above) within ten minutes of sending email #5, Carlos sends this one! Ah if you could only see the joy on Jaquanda's face upon hearing that she made the stringent, tough as nails, brutal, harsh, highly selective, one amongst thousands cut.
------------------------------------
From: "Wxxxxxxxxx PxxxxxxxxxxA"
To: WxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA
Sent: Wednesday, September 14, 2011 2:58 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa - Sept 17th - 3:30pm

***CONFIRMATION EMAIL - Print & Read To The Very Bottom of Q & A’s***
Alright, you are confirmed for the Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa - Open Call on:

Saturday, Sept. 17th @ 4pm [Please arrive at 3:30pm]
Located @:
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 E. Exx Sxxxxt
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
TRAIN DIRECTION - CLICK HERE

(PLEASE NOTE: You’ve been pre-selected to attend our open call, which is by invitation only. Also, more invited applicants are expected to attend the open call. The process consists of a group setting, where we will tell you about the industry, our agency and ask you to introduce yourself. So, upon arrival, let the Wxxxxxxxxa receptionist know CARLOS scouted & invited you to attend the open call. If you are traveling from out of town please allot yourself TWO hours after arrival.)

Please provide the following for our MODELING divisions:
- Several non-returnable snapshot/composite card/or photo’s of yourself
- A runway walk prepared.
(If you have a portfolio book, bring that with you as well and you will show the book to the Agency Director. BUT if you do not have a portfolio book, it is NOT required)

Please provide the following for our ACTING division:
- A one minute monologue MEMORIZED & PREPARED to perform.
- Two 8x10 acting headshots/resumes with you.
(All actors will meet one on one with our Wxxxxxxxxa Talent Agents and perform a monologue)
Office Space is limited, so we ask nicely that you DO NOT bring more than one guest with you.
Commonly asked question:
Is parking available?
Parking is available at the corner of Exx St. and Sxxxxx Mxxl St. (2 blocks away from the Agency).
What is the cheapest method of transportation to Conshocken, PA?
Most talent take the bus or Amtrak to Philadelphia, PA. Then take the Manyunk/Norristown Regional Rail line from 30thst. station and get off at Spring Mill. The office is 5 minutes away.
Can I apply to both divisions, Modeling and Acting? Is the open call open to everyone?
If you meet the requirements, yes. Wxxxxxxxxa receives hundreds of submissions weekly, so it is unlikely to invite everyone to the open call. You must be pre-selected to attend.
What to Wear?
Dress causally, but show your sense of style.
Can I be seen at another branch location?
If you are interested in a different branch, then you must resubmit to their location. But, please note, that our talent gets placed with the affiliated offices.
--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxia
666 E. Elm Street
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
********************************

#8 Carlos Finally Sees a Red Flag
Took him long enough. But still, he can't shut the door to the insanity, Jaquanda can still resubmit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "WxxxxxxxxA PxxxxxxxxxxA" wxxxxxxxxx.scout@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 1:03 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Please resubmit Jaquanda when she has a parent available to travel with her to PA. Thanks!

--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxx Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 E. Elm Street
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
*********************************

#9 Gunther Makes a Proposal
Like most negotiations with Gunther, this one also takes a weird turn.
------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 1:50 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Dear Senor Carlos,
Can I bring Yu Shu with me at 6PM? I could bring Jaquanda with me at 6PM as well, but I'd rather she not meet Yu Shu, as her mother is only recently passed away and she may not like me dating at the moment. I appreciate mostly your handling of such a delicate matter. She cries often in the corner of her room. I cry at the foot of my bed.

Mucho gracias.

Gunther

#10 Carlos Wants to Cut his Losses
It seems the jig is up. Carlos may actually think Gunther is too crazy to pay now. But not enough to shut the door forever, just 6 months.
--------------------------------------
From: wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxt@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 2:03 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

I'm sorry, please resubmit in 6 months our divisions are full at the moment. Take care.

--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxa Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 E. Exx Street
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wixxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
********************************

#11 Gunther Fights for Jaquanda's Dream!
Gunther be damned if he's going to let his daughter's dream die that easily!
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
Sent: Friday, September 16, 2011 9:49 AM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Dear Senor Carlos,
I did having a long talk with my daughter Jaquanda and my massage therapist who is also my lover Yu Shu (but don't tell Jaquanda, our secret!). We agreed that I can bring Jaquanda to the open call at 3:30PM but only if Yu Shu waits in the trunk. Jaquanda agreed, Yu Shu is very upset but will agree. As at my age, i do not know if I will be alive in 6 months, i would prefer to see my daughter achieve the greatness in modelling that I know she is capable of while I are still breathing in the joyous oxygen, unlike Jaquanda's mother, who did enjoy breathing in carbon monoxide while sitting in the garage.

Thank you for your understanding of little girls, as I am sure you must be very experienced in them with your work, and how difficult they can be to make understanding the things of adults. But Jaquanda is now stopped her crying and we can both attend at 3:30PM. I hope Yu Shu can make it out of the trunk.

Thank you again.

Gunther

#12 Carlos might be a touch scared.
At least I hope he's wondering if Gunther and Jaquanda will show.
-------------------------------------
From: "Wxxxxxxxxx PxxxxxxxxxxA"
To:
Sent: Friday, September 16, 2011 3:23 PM
Subject: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Our divisions are closed for teenage females. Please resubmit Jaquanda in 6 months.
Thanks, but please do not show up tomorrow for she will not be seen. Take care.

--
If this message reached an error in recipient(s), please contact the sender immediately and dispose from any computer.
--
Carlos - Head Talent Scout
Wxxxxxxxxx Pxxxxxxxxxxa
666 E. Exx Street
Cxxxxxxxxxxn, XX
http://www.wxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com/
*********************************

#13 Gunther Pleads!
It's not a pretty site! But it is a funny one!
----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com"
Sent: Friday, September 16, 2011 3:49 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Dear Senor Carlos,

I beg of you, please allow Jaquanda to be seen tomorrow. I am at an advanced age and of failing health. If she doesn't get to go tomorrow she will be furious at me and I will have kept Yu Shu in the trunk all this time for nothing! Jaquanda will do anything to be seen tomorrow and she is crying again. I'm crying now too. But that's for another reason. I forget sometimes why I cry but I still like to keep crying even after I remember that I forgot why I was crying. Light switches make funny noises at night. The drive is only 3 hours each way which I can make even in my advanced stages of ill health if I rest up now for it. I shall bring my daughter Jaquanda tomorrow at 3:30PM as I know you are a kind hearted man and will feel for this father with dreams for his lovely daughter who you will also love.

I also have plenty of money to help her with her with better pictures as I know my photography and stylist skills are not the best. Just last night I took pictures of her with her cell phone just wearing her bathing suit. They are not the best, but many men still mentioned how much they loved her on her facebook fan page. I can imagine how great she will do with a real pro taking her photographic representation.

I think she can make lots of money for many people including your agency!
Thank you for understanding a dying father's wish.
Your best friend,
Gunther

#14 Gunther Tries Again!
I think Carlos is gone. I tried the old trick of changing his last email to say "Please resubmit in October" and not 'in 6 months'.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To:carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com
Sent: Friday, September 23, 2011 5:37 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Dear Senor Carlos,

As per your email below, what have you as openings in October for my daughter Jaquanda or Yu Shu? They are habitating in peace now and Jaquanda has stopped crying because you did not see her last time. We did be taking more professional photographs of Jaquanda and I can send those of her in bathing suit. She will turn 18 next year and is still growing much in heights.

Thank you for your help,

Gunther

#15 One Last Shot.
Gunther tries one last time.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "carlos@wxxxxxxxxxxxxa.com"
Sent: Monday, September 26, 2011 3:47 PM
Subject: Re: Wxxxxxxxxa - Thanks for your response

Dear Senor Carlos,

I will not bring Jaquanda to the casting tomorrow. Unfortunately her heart is broken that we must wait 6 months. But she will get over it, just like the loss of her mother.

But what about for adult females? Yu Shu is 5'10" and Asian, so she is very rare. Please let me know if the adult divisions are still making the acceptance of women. Yu Shu is 24 years old. I can send you photographic memories of her if you require.

Thank you for helping dreams come true.

-Gunther

Alas, Carlos has slipped the lure and swam off to eat easier prey. Gunther couldn't keep him on the line beyond that 12th Email. At least that's 12 emails wasted on the dreams of Gunther and not exploiting the dreams of the real Gunthers out there. Jesus, I hope there isn't a real Gunther out there.

¡Viva la Guntherevolución!

Kamran
Twitter: @kamranthekhan
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4334364/

Gunther Schvwardson's Not-So Epic Love Story

2011-09-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

Gunther looked up and saw the sign.

It's been a while since my last Nigerican Scambaiting email chain. And this one is a follow up to This Epic Love Story. Is Gunther Schwvardson, so soon after being burnt by love, ready to hold his hand out to that tenuous flame once again? Let's find out.

#1 Sonia Calls Out to Gunther, O Gunther!
These guys like to write up novels in these emails.
-------------------------------------------
From: kipkalya soniakipkalya1@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Tuesday, August 9, 2011 9:41 PM
Subject: cry for help

Hello My Dearest,
My Name is Miss Sonia Kipkalya Kones, 25 Years Old Female and never married, I am writing this mail with tears and sorrow from my heart asking for your help at this time, I got your contact while searching for a trustworthy someone who will understand my present condition and come to my rescue here in the Mission Refuge Camp here in Burkina Faso. I have passed through pains and sorrowful moments since the death of my father.

My father was the Former Minister Kenyan road. And Assistant I Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Lobos had been on board the Cessna 210, Which Was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area Kalong’s called, in East Kenya. The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008. You can read more about the crash-through the website below
(...edited out two pages of crap...)
Please find a place in your heart to read and understand my condition. Thanks and Godbless.
Sincerely Yours,
Miss Sonia Kipkalya Kones.

#2 Gunther Cautiosly Tests the Waters of Love
If you listen carefully, you can hear the broken heart strings in Gunther's email. Too soon.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "soniakipkalya1@gmail.com" soniakipkalya1@gmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 11:58 AM
Subject: Re: cry for help

Hello My Dearest Sonia,
My name is Mister Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and I have recently had my heart broken so I am also writing this email with tears and sorrow. I would love to help you, but please swear to me that you won't break my heart. And swear to me that you will smile one day with me on the beach. And send me a photograph of yourself. And send me a photograph of your mammories.
Thank you.
May God bless you with large mammaries.
Gunther

#3 Sonia Makes a Run For The Notebook: Part 3!
This chick really likes to write! But I must say, this is pretty entertaining. Suck it, Nicholas Sparks!
------------------------
From: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 4:30 AM
Subject: Nice To Hear From You,

Nice To Hear From You,
I feel so good reading from you How is your day?, Mine is a little bit hot over here in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. My name is Miss Sonia Kipkalya Am from Nairobi Kenya in Africa, I am 5.6ft tall,(never married before ) and presently am residing in the Mission Refugee Camp here in Burkina Faso as a result of the plane crash and my wicked step mother who wants to kill me and have the money,But God did not allow her to achieve her plans, My father was the former Kenyan road Minister. He and Assistant Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong'a, in western Kenya. The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008.I believe that I can get my freedom through your help, Life here in the camp is like one in the prison yard, I believe you coming into my life will bring a change in my condition, I never know that life will push me to this level, I find it very difficult to eat here, I never experience such condition because my father was everything to me, please help me because of God, I managed to make my way to a near by country Burkina Faso where my father deposited these money with my name as the next of kin and upon my arrival I have confirmed from the bank that is why I am asking for your help at this time, I would like to know more about you. Your country , Your contact Address, your Telephone number also your photo because we need to know each other better for more Trust and understanding,

I am ready to give you more information about the money and how it was deposited including the reply the bank gave me on my arrival here to find out how the money can be release to me,Meanwile the most important reason why I chose to contact you is for you to stand as my trustee and provide account where the bank will transfer the money ,As soon as I read from you again then i will send you the contact of the bank and the account details information for you to contact the bank as my trustee and ask The Director Foreign Operation Department of the bank (Dr Nagari Peters ) ask him the legal procedures of transferring this money to your bank account as my legal trustee, I have with me here the Documents that will be needed , The Bank Deposit Certificate and The Death Certificate which the bank will demand from you before the release of the money to you. Please I will like you to call me on the Reverend telephone whom i have been using his computer to send this message to you . his name is Rev. Denis mongolo. telephone number (00226 78017763) .please when you call him, tell him that you want to speak with Sonia Kipkalya thats stays in the female hostel Block (C) Room 12 He will send for me. I will wait to hear from you soonest! Thanks so much for coming in to my life at this present condition i found myself.
May God bless you for your kindness and your concern? Attached here is my pictures I want you to find a place in your heart to read and understand my feeling and my condition at the moment.Serriously waiting for your reply.
With Joy and Happiness from Sonia Kipkalya.

Have to say, wasn't expecting her stolen pic to look like this. Well played, Mr. Nigerian Scammer. Well played.

So coy. I guess coy is part of the stages of recovery after your family is butchered.

#4 Gunther Brings his A-Game!
Gunther is such a sweet talker.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 5:32 PM
Subject: Re: Nice To Hear From You,

Great To Have Your Reply,

I felt all tingly in my nether regions reading from you. My day is great, I woke up to the sound of my own flatulence, which I thought might disturb the lady of the night who I had paid for the previous evening, although thankfully she was deceased, this saving me from the embarrassment of having flatulated so loudly in front of her, although why I would be embarrassed about flatulating when we did such reprehensible things the night before is a mystery of social interaction that I shall never fathom. So after waking to the deceased next to me, I tossed her into the hallway and went along my day as though nothing had happened, calling the local constable and informing him that I heard yells and shouts from my neighbors apartment. They arrived to find the deceased lady of the night and I blamed it all on him. Lucky for me I keep a sample of all my neighbors DNA in a safe place for just such an occasion, and had deposited the DNA of said neighbor inside the pink and the stink of the lady of the night. His conviction is all but guaranteed. Ah the comedy of life!

But enough about my day, please give me more information about this money. I want it. And I want you. Please send me more pictures of you or of anything really. I must have a picture of something from you. Or I am not sure what my mind will make up. Be warned. You are warned. Flatulence. Gojira. Cilindro bordato. Batteries. I have attached a picture of myself from a few years back when I was serving in the Royal Latverian Air Force. I am currently retired at the age of 84 and living in San Simeon, California. Will you come visit me? I have a large bed. Do you like old man balls?

May God bless you with encrypted database and gargantuan mammary glands.
Gunther

P.s. Ball sack.

That's Herman Goring, the douche who ran the Luftwaffe. Fitting his visage should double for Gunther's in this love story with Sonia Kipalya.

# 5 Sonia Brings in the Bank
Gunther's sweet talk shot through her like a Navy SEAL sniper round through Bin Laden's brain pan.
--------------------------
From: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 10:41 PM
Subject: Please contact the bank now

Good Day ,
Thanks for your mail and your concern, I am happy that you will help me transfer the money to your bank account, In respect to your mail, I want you to help me communicate the bank holding the deposit so that they can transfer the funds to you for me to join you because the manager told me they will not release the deposit to me without a helper who will help me invest the funds.

Please I want you to use below details and contact the bank manager find out from him on how they will transfer the funds to you.
Eco Bank Burkina Faso.
Branch area: Ouagadougou
Branch: Goughin
Address: 42, Avenue Yatenga, Ouagadougou
(...edited out pages of bank info crap...)

Ask him how they will transfer the funds to you for me to meet you face to face and you will help me look for good University where i will complete my studies while you will invest the money.I wait to hear from you soon. The bank has promised to transfer the money to my trustee once i present someone who will help me receive the money according to the instructions from my father before he died please do let me know when you receive any letter from the bank.Please find a place in your heart to read and understand that i really need your help to stand as my trustee. Please feel free contact the bank as soon as possible. You are my hero and A God sent you to help me .I put my hope and my trust in you.I sent you the bank deposit certificate and the registered death certificate of my late father.I want you to help me contact the bank now and find ouit how this money can be transfered to you while i cme over to your country and settle with you as you will help me invest this money.
May God Bless you.
Regards,
SONIA KIPKALYA.

Seriously??

I think my "Cancelled" stamps look more official than this "Approved" one!

I love it! Cause of death "Shock" hahahahahaha. That's horrible.

#6 Gunther Is Strange.
Yes. Yes he is.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:50 AM
Subject: Re: Please contact the bank now

Top of the morning to you, My Dear,

I am happy that you sent me more pictures babbaganoush jocularity with gundar bifurcational institutions. I will help you transfer the funds and you will join me like a human centipede. No, I am just joshing you, that would be horrific. You will join me like the Borg. Where will we meet face to face? Can we meet genital to genitals instead? I think that will be more productive a meeting.

You must swear this is a secret transaction that no one else is having granular sugar documentation of bilateral confuscation hacienda salsa. SWEAR IT IS SECRET! You are to be loyal to me and no one else! SWEAR IT!

And pelase send me more photographs and I will send you my passport photo so that I may travel to see you genital to genital.
May God bless you with more flatulence than your olfactory nerves are capable of handling.
-Gunther

#7 Gunther and the Bank
Can the Bank help Gunther's broken heart mend?
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson

To: "drnagaripeters@rocketmail.com" drnagaripeters@rocketmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:56 AM
Subject: Fw: Please contact the bank now

Dear Dr. Sule,
Please see all the below emails from the strangely hot Sonia Kipkalya. How such a beauty has not been soiled by the war torn problems of her village is beyond me, or even how she managed such extensive photoshoots amidst all the carnage is a miracle akin to Moses splitting the Red Sea in half to escape from the Pharoahs homunculars. Please tell me what I must do in order to get my genitals inside her genitals.
May God bless you with one if not two of the seven plagues.
-Gunther

#8 Bank's Boring Response.
Booooring, but good to know that Fake Nigerian Banks are just as greedy as the real American ones. Included in here for posterity, just skip over. The ID at the bottom is funny. They asked for more documents in another email, no use in including it, just as boring as this one.
-----------------------
From: Dr nagari Peters drnagaripeters@rocketmail.com
To:
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:52 AM
Subject: Eco Bank Trustee Verification Form
CO BANK ANNEX GROUPAddress: 42, Avenue Yatenga, Ouagadougou Tel.: (+226) 7947 6080 Fax.: (+226) 50 34 00 64 Email: ecobankbf@ecobankbf.comContact person: Dr Nagari Peters.Direct Email: drnagaripeters@rocketmail.com P.O. box: 01 BP 145 Ouagadougou 01 Burkina Faso . Sir, Following the enquiry and the Fund Transfer Authorization Letter from Miss Sonia kipkalya to contact you for the transfer of the total fund from the account number 00331016648 Account name Mr Kipkalya Kones which the records after our verification proves that Miss Sonia Kipkalya is the next of kin to the inheritance of her late father's Fund Deposited with ECO BANK here in Burkina Faso. According to the result after our Account verification for the transfer of the fund. Therefore the board of directors of the bank has acknowledged the Application letter and we promise to transfer the fund to your bank account as soon as you provide the requested legal Documents, if you can not be able to be here in our office for the transaction, We therefore advise you to contact a recognize lawyer from Burkina Faso to stand as your legal representative and also help you to secure the requested legal documents from the Federal High Court of Burkina Faso, These are the Legal procedures of Transferring Inheritance Fund. Please provide the following information’s which will enable us commence Hope we have informed you well. TRUSTEE VERIFICATION FORM Name of Trustee-------CurrentAddress--------Telephone-------Fax------Sex-----Age-----Occupation-----Bank Name----Bank Address--------Account Number------Account Name-----Next of Kin-----Nationality------------ It is the duty of our Bank to contact your bank and make the necessary arrangement for the International Transfer of Inheritance Fund to your position as the legal trustee. Thanks.Yours faithfully,Dr Nagari Peters.Email- drnagaripeters@rocketmail.comMobile-00226- 7947 6080.Group Head,Foreign Operation Department .English Section

Holder's Signature. Really? Really??

#9 Sonia Sends The Same Pics.
Seriously, where does she find the time amidst all this death and chaos to set up these photoshoots??
-------------------------
From: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:16 AM
Subject: Good Day To You

Good Day
How is life and work with you today? I hope you are doing fine and please help me because of God, I want you to help me contact the bank and ask Dr Nagari Peters how the bank will transfer the money to you as my legal trustee, I sent a letter to the bank to contact you and give you the details and information about the transfer of the money to your bank account, my condition here is not good and I want you to help me receive the money and come and take me out from here to your country, I am ready to come over and never to come back here again .I put my hope and my trust in you, I believe you will help me out, I pray for God to show you away to help me out from here, My mind keep telling me that my freedom will come through your help, thank you and please let me know when you will receive any letter from the bank,
Have a nice day From Sonia Kipkalya.

#10 Gunther's Day at Work.
You don't want to work where Gunther works.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Sonia Kipkalya soniakipkalya111@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:40 AM
Subject: Re: Good Day To You

Good Morrow,
Life is fantastic but work has become a burr under my saddle. My supervisor, Mr. Berlinky Germinshingoogenheim, a short squat man with balding hair and the eyes of a rabbit with the nose of a German swimmer from the 1940s, came in to work today and sat in my lap with great ceremony and pomp and circumstance, prompting many people to stand up and cheer while I cried repeatedly into the lapel of my sport coat that my great grandfather, Gunther Alexander Von Doom, used to wear to his job as the Chief Financial Officer to the Royal Latverian Monkey Kingdom. But enough about my day, what is wrong with you?

You did not swear to me. YOU MUST MAKE SWEAR TO ME THAT THIS WILL BE SECRET AND YOU WILL TO BE MAKING THE FAITHFUL TO ME AND ONLY ME! SWEEEAAAARRRR IT!!! SWWWWEEEEAAAR IT!!!!! YOU MUST!!!!!

Your mind can keep telling you whatever it wants, but your mouth must swear to me that THIS WILL BE SECRET AND YOU WILL BE FAITHFUL TO ONLY ME IN THIS ENDEAVOR!!!!! SWEAR IT!!!
Thanks, have a nice day.
-Gunther

That cheating whore. Apparently she couldn't swear to Gunther that he was it. Gunther's heart is broken once again! I never wrote back to the bank, which was my fault, that probably could have kept them going for another few weeks, but I dropped the ball on that one, and frankly the banks are seriously boring. I wanted more out of Sonia. What kind of world do we live in where a retired former Latverian army officer can't find love with a fake girl made up by a Nigerian scammer??? Is there no justice in the world???

Thanks for checking in!
Peace and light.
Kamran
http://www.kamphotography.info/
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4334364/

Gunther Schvwardson and Edvard Munch

2011-08-04T07:01:00.000-07:00

Munch's first draft of The Scream, with Gunther as his model before he picked the bald-headed, creepy dude.

As my writing exercise, I try and give Gunther different personalities with each scambait, alas as I looked over the last few, I hadn't made them different enough. The 'core' of Gunther, if you will, has stayed the same. So I wanted to try and swing Gunther in another direction. I like to imagine Gunther's voice as a cross between Total Recall-Arnold and A Time to Kill-Sam Jackson. Yeah, try and wrap your head around that! So with Edvard Munch's The Scream as my inspiration, read on!

#1 Another Iraqi War Fund Millionaire
I guess you can't really fault a scammer for not having any scruples, but it gets me when they use the war as their scam. That might be the subconscious channeling of Gunther's insanity. Suffice to say, they promise $16.5 million from some dude who was killed in Iraq.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Kahim Abudu Musa kahimabudu.musa10@live.com
To:
Sent: Wednesday, July 20, 2011 8:45 PM
Subject: waiting for your urgent response

Dear Friend,
It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country. Though I have not met with you before but I believe one has to risk confidence to succeed sometimes in life. And I hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. (...edited...) note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned amount if you agree to do this transaction with me.

Thanks and waiting for your urgent response,
Mr.KAHIM ABUDU MUSA.
Burkina Faso West Africa

#2 Gunther's Scream
Upon reflection, I really dropped the ball later on with my set up here. I gave myself a fantastic opening salvo to work from and just whiffed. Live, learn and write some more!
-----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com" kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 8:28 AM
Subject: Re: waiting for your urgent response

Dear Mister Kahim Abudu Musa,
This are sounding like an amazing opportunity to make many cheezburgers!! I can has cheezburger? I lol many times at my cheezburger. Are you a cheezburger maker? If so i luff you. So please to be sending me more information for me to make 45% of the mooney you are to be putting in my bank pockets! Fun! Secret! THIS IS TOP SECRET!!!!!! SECRRRRREEEET! SECRET! secret. TOP SECRET!!!!

Please to be confident that I are your man of action!! DO NOT TO BE CONTACT ANYONE ELSE to help you WITH this moneys! I are to be your partner!! PARRRRTNEERRRRR!
SECRET!
Secret partner. Secret partner in closet!!!
Do you know what I would do with my half of the $16.5 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!?? I are going to be making a time machine!! What would you do??? Do you are having official looking passport and documents to verify who you are, and I are send you mine as well.
This is most exciting fun SECRETTTTT!!!!! SECRERRREETETT!!
Gunther Schvwardson

#3 Kahim is an idiot.
Really? There has to be a limit to how crazy you think someone can be and still send you money. You really think Gunther is going to send money? Really?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 9:55 AM
Subject: FROM,Mr.KAHIM MUSA, MORE DETAILS OF THIS TRANSACTION

My Greetings to you and family.
Dear Gunther Schvwardson.
Thanks for your message I received, In respect of my proposed business transaction to you, I will like to be honest with you, Base on the fact that what will bring the success of this transaction is trust and understanding. the reason why I contacted you in this business Because our late deceased customer Mr. Michael USMAN is A foreigner from Iraq and an indigene of " Burkina Faso" here my country can not stand as next of kin or business partner to our late customer to claim the funds $16.5 Million dollars, so I want you to stand as A business partner to Mr.Michael USMAN. For our bank Ecobank to transfer the money into your account, and with my proposition, be rest assured that there will be no problem, for this transaction is 100% no risk. All you need to do is to comply with my instructions so that you will not make any mistake when we start. Firstly, let me introduce myself briefly to you. I am Mr.KAHIM ABUDU MUSA 50 years old, married with three children. I have been working with this Bank for over twenty-five years now. I strongly believe that with my experience, nothing can stop us from achieving our desired end within 9 bank working days immediately we start.
(...edited...)
Besides, in a no distant time, I will be leaving for retirement.

Finally, I am hoping to meet you and your family as soon as we get the fund transferred to your foreign account, for disbursement and investment in your country.
Open attachment file you view my identity.
Call Me 00226 78 58 44 32
Thanks & best regards.
Mr. KAHIM ABUDU MUSA

So dapper.

#4 Gunther
Gunther has worked with the greatest photographer that ever lived. EVER.
-----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 11:22 AM
Subject: Re: FROM,Mr.KAHIM MUSA, MORE DETAILS OF THIS TRANSACTION

My sincerest greetings to You and Your family mister Kahim Abudu Musa,
You are a most handsome man! Are you to make money on the DL at alleyways and side streets with the politicos bearing mustachios and leather pantaloons? Do you have a picture of your wife and children? I have attached my passport with a classic portrait of myself taken a few years ago by the renowned black and white lithograph photographer Johaanis Perschlickinmoonen. He are the most famous photographer of my native country of Latveria. Do you know him? He has taken photographies of most famous people. I will send you more pictures if you send me photographs of your wife and children or of your passport or government identification. THIS IS SECRET! MOST SECRET! SEEEEEEECREEEETT!!! TOP TOP MOST SECRET!!! SECRETTTTTT!!!! Secret. YOU MUST SEND PHOTO OF YOUR PASSPORT!!!!!!!!

I hate Greedy Chief Executive Officers!! HATE THEM!! HATE THEM WITH TOP SECRET!! SECRREEEETTTTT!!!! With this money do you wish to frame your greedy Chief Executive Officer of your bank? I will to be come visit you. We will buy the video camera. You will dress as woman and make proposal to your Chief Executive Officer for putting his genitals in your fish hole. I will make video tape of this event and then we will use to make blackmail of him to pay us more money! What thinking is you? I are do thinking me this is great idea of top notch bunt cake.

Here is the statestical information you are wanting in your pantaloons.
1 FULL NAME Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
2 AGES 78
3 ADDRESSES San Simeon, California, (born in Latveria City, Latveria)
4 OCCUPAION Retired Transcontinental Velociraptor
5 YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER 011-44-28573-293832
6 PHOTO COPY OF YOUR PASSPORT. Attached
7. COUNTRY NAME. United States of America
8. MARITAL STATUS. My wife is dead! DEAD!!! DEAADDDDDD!!!!!! DEAAAD! Widowed.

DO YOU PROMISE AND SWEAR THIS IS SECRET BETWEEN US???!!! SWEAR IT!! SWEAR IT ON YOUR CHILDREN'S FAVORITE BOOK!!! SWEAR IT!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MUST BE SECRET!! NO ONE ELSE!!! SWEAR THIS!!!
Thank you.
Gunther

That's John D. Rockefeller. And C'MON!!! You really think someone who sends you this passport has money to be scammed from? He's a freakin' triceratops. What could you possibly think if you saw this passport? You can NOT believe this. It's unbelievable, and yet...

#5 Kahim is a desperate mofo.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 7:57 PM
Subject: From Mr KAHIM, CONTACT THE ECOBANK IMMEDIATLY

My Greetings to you.
Dear Brother Gunther
Thanks for your mail and your details information you sent to me, in respect of my business proposal to you, I have seen your willingness in assisting me to achieve this great opportunity that came my way which I decided to honourably share with you with hope that you will not disappoint me nor betray this trust that I am giving you by entrusting such a huge amount of money to be transferred into your foreign bank account even without knowing you face to face, then for me to join you later for my share in your country after we have transferred this fund $16.5 Million dollars into your account. now I am assuring you that you will have great cause to laugh with me by the time this fund is transferred into your account on gradual process .I am here to protect and defend you in all that the Bank will require from you to prove that you are the real beneficiary to the deceased person for us to inherit this fund, so you don’t need to bother yourself on that area for I am behind you.

You should not bother yourself of how the transaction and the fund could be claimed out from our bank here (ECOBANK Burkina Faso Ouagadougou) for I will be directing you on what to do that will lead to the successful transfer of this fund into your bank account, only follow up my instruction and advice for I am an insider in the bank. The next step of this transaction is you stand as the business partner next of kin to inherit this fund. Next step is you will fill application letter of claim you send it to bank Management office.

Moreover I am very happy that you have assure me that you will keep this transaction to your self knowing fully well that a lot of money is involved in this transfer for us to achieve our aim. Only what I need from you is to maintain a top secret and never to review this transaction to anybody. Now fill this application form and you send it immediately to the director remittance department of the Ecobank by email address below so that within (9) Bank working days, your nominated receiving account shall be credited accordingly. Bank emails address where to send in the application letter of claim. Bank service department email: ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
....................................................................................................................................
N / B: please do this so that the transfer will commence immediately and anything the Bank send to you, you send it back to me so that I can help you and advice you on what next to do.
Now that I have chosen you, please be informed that I have filed in your name as the next of kin to the deceased person; The Bank will be waiting for your official letter of claim. So hasten up and contact the Ecobank Immediately.
Below my second message is the application letter of claim fill the application you send to bank.
Respond to me, as soon as you send the letter to bank. Call me +22678584432. I expecting your respond very urgent.
Thanks.
my best regard to you and your family,
Mr.Kahim Abudu Musa.

#6 Another from Kahim
It's the weekend. Gunther doesn't scambait on weekends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2011 8:00 PM
Subject: FILL THIS APPLICATION LETTER YOU SEND A COPY TO BANK, Ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com‏
From: Mr.....................................
(...edited out the blank application...)

#7 Kahim wants his money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com

To:
Sent: Saturday, July 23, 2011 7:18 AM
Subject: Respond to me very urgent.
My Greetings to you.
Dear Brother Gunther
How are you I hope everything well, I have been waiting to hear from you since I sent to you the application letter of claim, for you to fill your details information and you send a copy to the bank remittance office, please what is happening, if you have sent the application to bank let me know so I can advice you on what next to do because I don’t want you to make any mistake in this transaction.
Respond to me very urgent.
Regards
Mr. Kahim Abudu Musa.

#8 Kahim Threatens Gunther
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com

To:
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 7:58 AM
Subject: FROM,Mr.KAHIM MUSA, Respond to me very urgent.

My Greetings to you.
Dear Brother Gunther.
How are you I hope everything well, I have been waiting to hear from you since I sent to you the application letter of claim, for you to fill your details information and you send a copy to the bank remittance office, please what is happening, if you have sent the application to bank let me know so I can advice you on what next to do because I don’t want you to make any mistake in this transaction.

Respond to me very urgent. And if you are not interested to do this transaction with me please tell me so I can find another person who will help me to do this transaction I don’t want any delay in this.
Respond to me very urgent.
Regards.
Mr. Kahim Abudu Musa.
Call me +22678584432
Call me +22678584432

#9 Gunther retorts
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:44 PM
Subject: Re: FROM,Mr.KAHIM MUSA, Respond to me very urgent.

Dear Greetings Brother Kahim,
Say WHAT???!??!?!?! You are saying this is secret confidential and now you are to be going to another??!?!?!?! WHAT?! IT IS IS SECRET!!!??? I SAY! What?
SECCCCRREEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!!
You must swear to me it is secret!!!!!!
You are most benefactor of navel lint!!! I was to be away last few days from compooter. When I are away from compooter I are not to be having the interwebs!! INTERWEBSS!!!!!!! SEEEECREEEEETT!!!!
That is the why I are not to be making the replies to your boom shakalaka.
I are sent the letter of claim to the bank remittance office. THEY ARE MAKING DELAY!!! THEY ARE DELAY!!! DELAY!!!
Tell the bank they are making the delay!!!!!! WHAT??!?!?!?!
Are you still swearing to me this is a secret transaction!?? SWEAR IT!! SWEAR IT!!!!!!!!! S!W!E!A!R! I!T!!!!
Respond to me very urinarily,
Gunther

#10 Kahim get's a little snippy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com

To:
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 4:04 PM
Subject: WORD OF ADVICE TO YOU.‏

Dear Brother Gunther .
I received your mail and I understood that you have sent the application letter to the bank, now the bank are still going through your application letter which you have sent to bank Remittance office for them to approve to money $16.5M Dollars to you as the inheritor, now there are certain things you will promise me so that we will achieve our aim in life without any problem.
They are as follows:
1) You should keep this transaction as top secret until this fund is transferred into your bank account because nobody knows about this business except you and I, even my wife did not know about this business so keep it top secret for yourself.
2) You have to promise me that you will not betray me when this fund enters to your account as you may know that this transaction is my only hope of life survival with my family here.
3) You will send to me letter of invitation as soon as bank transferred this fund into your bank account there in your country so that I will fly down to your country to invest my own share.
4)You should never never and ever respond to any similar letter with this or different type of proposal that may be sent to you from any where because as the bank are still going through your application for approval our bank monitoring team may decide to send to you a proposal with different name or amount to know whether you will respond to it, and if you respond to their proposal/message, the Ecobank management will know that you are not the original next of kin to our late customer and all our efforts will be in vain. Therefore incase if you receive this type of proposal never you respond to it, just forward it to me for more advice on what.

Dear brother Don’t bother your self the bank management here knows what to do on how them will release the fund and make the transfer to your Account. I am here to assured you that this transaction is reality and truth I swear and I am promising you that you will gain alot and benefit alot after this transaction and the fund well be in your position.
Urgent response needed while we are waiting for the bank response.
Best regard.
Yours
Mr.Kahim Abudu Musa

#11 Gunther's Words of Advice
-----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 4:28 PM
Subject: Re: WORD OF ADVICE TO YOU.‏

Dear Brother Kahim,
I received your last email and it is barely understood. Here is my words of advice to YOU! These are the things YOU MUST promise to ME! BATTERY!!!! BATTERY AZIZ!! BATTERY!!!!!
They are as followings:
1) You should keep it secret. Keep it safe! SAFE!!! SECRET!! DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU KNOW ME!!! If God asks you if you know Gunther Schvwardson, you must tell God you do not know me!!!!! SWEAR IT!!!
2) YOU must not betray ME! You must sweat it. SWEAR IT!!!!!!
3) YOU must Visit me in my country and wear a cowboy hat! SWEAR IT!!! I MUST SEE YOU IN cowboy hat. COWBOY HATTT!!!!! COWBOY!!!! SWEEEAAAAAR IT!!!!
4) YOU must swear you are not giving this money to anyone else but me! SWEAR IT!!!!
5) Pictures. I want to see another picture!! SWEAAAARARRRRARARRR IT!!!!!!

If you do not swear on the above 5 conditions, I will make a nocturnal flatulence in your mother's uterus for the remainder of the Mayan calendar. SWEAR ITTT!!!!!! COWBOY!!!! SECRET!!! SAFE!!!! HATTT!!!! PICTURE!!!! SWWWWEEEEAAAARRR ITTTT!!!!!
Thank you.
Gunther

#12 And now the Bank
You can probably guess where Gunther altered the bank application.
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com" ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2011 1:52 PM
Subject: Re: FILL THIS APPLICATION LETTER YOU SEND A COPY TO BANK, Ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com‏
From:
GUNTHER SCHVWARDSON
San Simeon, California 93245

ATTENTION: TO DR. ALEX BELLO.
The Manager, Foreign Remittance Department
Ecobank Burkina Faso Ouagadougou.
Telephone Number: 00226.76336413
Bank E-mail Address: ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF FUNDS LATE MR. MICHAEL USMAN FROM LRAQ NATIONALITY.
SIR.
I, Mr…. Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson, from San Simeon, California and most recently from your mother's uters, humbly wish to apply to your Bank as the only surviving next of kin to your deadly deceased dead client, MR. MICHAEL USMAN from I-rap, who died in I-rap clavical war. I humbly apply and put claim over his fund with your Bank, which is valued at USD $60.500, 000.00 (Sixty Million Five Hundred Thousand United States American Dollars), left in his account still unclaimed.

Until his sudden death, we have been business associates and lovers on the downlow, jointly in exposition of agricultural equipments globally as well as formation of poop buckets. The money left in your Bank was for contracts, which we executed in West Africa, and for agricultural equipments that we supplied in March 2000. He had a current account: 015 20100 56020 with your Branch before his death. With this, I request that the above stated amount left in his account, be transferred to my account as follows:
Western Union Transfer
Name: Gunther Schvwardson
Location: San Simeon, California
Question: What is the color?
Answer: White.
I will be delighted if this application letter is given an urgent and positive attention.
Please accept my apology for the late application; it was due to ill health as I had eaten Indian food and my anus has still not recovered.
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration on the above application.
May God bless you with flatulence of the highest order.
Mr. Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

#13 Gunther Goads Kahim
Will he take the bait?
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2011 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: WORD OF ADVICE TO YOU.‏

Dear Brother Kahim,
WHAT??!?!?! I are writed to you and bank!! Thenk bank is making delays!!!! DELAYS!!! Please tell the Bank not to steal my money!! I WANT IT!!! SECRET!!! SEEECRREETTTT!!!
The bank is not writing to me, is not giving my money!!!! MONEY!!
YOU have not made swearing to me. SWEAR TO ME!!!!!!! SWEAR IT!
THE Union Bank of Nigeria has written to me. They are saying they have my money too. I will pay them and NOT YOU if you do not swear to me!!! The Union Bank of Nigeria is very nice to me. You are being rude!! I WANT PICTURE!!!!! I WANT SWEAR!!!! SWEAAAAARRRR IT!!!!! MONEY! COWBOY HAT!!! PICTURE!! SWEAR IT!!! GUNTHER!! GUNTHER!! GUNTHER!!! GUNTHER!!!!

Thank you.
Gunther

#14 The EcoBank Enters the Fray
Not a moment to spare!
------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Ecobank Branchofficebf ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wednesday, July 27, 2011 3:53 AM
Subject: ATTENTION:TO MR. GUNTHER ALEXANDEDR, ECOBANK MANAGEMENT.

ATTENTION: TO, MR. Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson.
DATE: 27 / 07 / 2011
WE BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS BANK IS IN RECEIPT OF YOUR APPLICATION SENT TO THIS ECOBANK MANAGEMENT THROUGH EMAIL BE YOU INFORMED THAT THE MANUSCRIPT HAS BEEN SENT TO THE DEPARTMENT OF INFORMATION AND STATISTICS FOR COMPARATION.

IT MAY INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT THE MANAGEMENT AND BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK WILL SIT TO DISCUSS THE APPLICATION SUBMITED ON JULY 26 / 2011, FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR INHERITED FUND.THE OUTCOME OF THIS EXERCISES WILL BE MADE KNOWN TO YOU ATFER THE MEETING.

ACCEPT OUR SYMPARTHY OVER THE DEATH OF YOUR PARTNER AS HE WAS A RELIABLE CUSTOMER TO THIS BANK UNTIL HE MET HIS SUDDEN DEATH.

ALWAYS BANK WITH US.
YOURS FAITHFULLY.
REV DR. ALEX BELLO.
TELEPHONE +226 76 33 64 13.

#15 The EcoBank Approves!
Why wouldn't they? Gunther has given them every reason to. And holy crap they're going after a big fish here, over two grand??! Damn.
------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Ecobank Branchofficebf ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wednesday, July 27, 2011 5:09 AM
Subject: ATTENTON:TO Mr GUNTHER ALEXANDER SMITHSONDIAN ECOBANK OFFICAL QUESTIONNAIRE
ECOBANK BURKINA FASO.
Office of the Director forign remittance department,
ECOBANK AFRICA(ECOB),
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
COOPERTAE HEADQUARTER
AVE.N’KRUMA 770 01BP, Ouagadougou
Burkina Faso.
Tele:00226 78 76336413
Fax:00226 50 302 00 00
Date:27/07/2011.
ATTENTON:TO,GUNTHER ALEXANDER SMITHSONDIAN SCHVWARDSON.
Sequel to our acknowledgment letter dated 26/07/2011, in respect of your application letter. We wish to bring to your notice that your request for the transfer of $ 16,500, 000.00 (Sixteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States American Dollars), from account number: 015 20100 56020, has been forwarded to the appropriate bodies concerned for approval.
Consequently, this department wishes to inform you that we are ready to approve/transfer the fund to your designated account once you satisfy all our requirements.
However, you are advised to send the answers of the attached Official Questionnaire as written in the deceased Customers Security File (CSF). This is in accordance to our Allied and Banking Matters of 1972 as amended in 2002, such claims are determined within this category. Any wrong information in the course of filling this Official Questionnaire, your application letter will be considered null and void.
Furthermore, the answers to this Official Questionnaire shall be returned to this Department within the next 72hrs with the electronic copy of your International Passport or Identity Card and with an Official processing fee of $2 685.00 (Two Thousand Six Hundred And Eighty Five Dollars Only). The processing fee shall be paid through Western Union Money transfer Or Money Gram.
We enclose herewith the bank Cashier name that will be used for the Payment.
Receiver Name: Mr.INNOCENT OBASI
Address: Ouagadouou
Country: Burkina Faso .
Amount required $2 685.00 (Two Thousand Six Hundred And Eighty Five)
Indeed, payment through this means is fast and swift. As soon as the answers of the Questionnaire is sent back to this management and required processing fee been confirmed by our Cashier, including the required information(s), we shall begin to process your request, for the approval and transfer of the fund to your Bank Account.
We are also correspondent to Money-Gram Transfer and Western Union Money Transfer.
On behalf of this Management, kindly accept our sincere sympathy on the death of your late Business Partner.
Yours Sincerely,
DR. ALEX BELLO
FOREIGN REMITT DEPARTMENT
ECOBANK (ECOB)
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA FASO
#16 Kahim is getting worried.
Pushy bastard.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
To:
Sent: Wednesday, July 27, 2011 5:46 PM
Subject: Mr KAHIM ADUDU MUSA. Respond to me very urgent.
My Greetings to you.
Dear Brother Gunther.
How are you I hope everything is well, I m so much worried here as I did not hear from you what is going on between you and the bank management, Remember I told you that this transaction is the only hope for me and my family to survive please i don’t want you to betray me in this transaction. Please tell me what is going now, have you hear from the bank.
Because the Ecobank Management held a Meeting with Burkina Faso Centre Bank governor regarded to the fund on how to release the fund and transferred into your bank account in your country. Without any delay.
Respond to me very urgent. Forward to me any message you have received from the bank. For me to advice you on what you will do to avoid any mistake from you.
Regards
Mr KAHIM ADUDU MUSA.
Call me +22678584432

#17 Gunther took his lozenge.
He's ready to yell some more.
------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 8:42 AM
Subject: Re: Mr KAHIM ADUDU MUSA. Respond to me very urgent.

My dearest greetings to you Brother Kahim,
How are you? You DID NOT MAKE TO SWEARING TO ME!!!!!! SWEAR IT!!!!! SWEEEAAAAARRRR ITT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Swear it. I said you must make promise and swear to me the five things I wrote to you! YOU DID NOT!!!!! YOU MUST!!!! MUST MUST MUST SWEAR IT!!!!!
I am worried. VERY worried. SO worried. SO VERY worried! I do must be are maybe perhaps thinking YOU are to betray ME!!!! Because you are not making the swear on the five things I wrote. I write again:
YOU MUST SWEAR IT!
1) YOU should keep it secret. Keep it safe! SAFE!!! SECRET!! DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU KNOW ME!!! If God asks you if you know Gunther Schvwardson, you must tell God you do not know me!!!!! SWEAR IT!!!
2) YOU must not betray ME! You must sweat it. SWEAR IT!!!!!!
3) YOU must Visit me in my country and wear a cowboy hat! SWEAR IT!!! I MUST SEE YOU IN cowboy hat. COWBOY HATTT!!!!! COWBOY!!!! SWEEEAAAAAR IT!!!!
4) YOU must swear you are not giving this money to anyone else but me! SWEAR IT!!!!
5) Pictures. I want to see another picture!! SWEAAAARARRRRARARRR IT!!!!!!
The Ecobank has sent me a form to fill out which I are filled out and sent back to the Ecobank. They are making the delays. I am not so trusting of the Ecobank just yet. I think I might go with Union Bank of Nigeria who has written me with funding moneys instead of you and Ecobank. Since you have not made the promise above. You must SWWWWEEEAAAAARRRRR ITTTTTTT!!!!!!!
Thank you.
Gunther

#18 Gunther requests Kahim's Advice
To get the answers from the EcoBank's questionnaire. Which I might have added an additional question #10 on there.
-----------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: "brookswashere@yahoo.com" brookswashere@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 8:55 AM
Subject: Fw: ATTENTON:TO Mr GUNTHER ALEXANDER SMITHSONDIAN ECOBANK OFFICAL QUESTIONNAIRE

Dear Brother Kahim,
Also sequel to the email prequel, they asked a lot of questions the bank in the attached word document. What are the answers to the Ecobank's questions?
1. STATE THE FULL NAME OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER?
2. STATE HIS NATIONLITY?
3. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DECEASED CUSTOMER
4. STATE CLEARLY HIS RESIDENCE ADDRESS?
5. How OLD WAS HE WHEN HE DIED
6. WHEN AND WHERE EXACTLY DID HE DIE AND WHAT LEAD TO HISDEATH
7. WHAT WAS THE DECEASED CUSTOMER PROFESSION
8. WHAT KIND OF ACCOUNT WAS HE OPERATING WITH THIS BANK
9. WRITE THE NAME OF HIS WIFE AND HIS CHILDREN
10. WHAT SIZE WERE HIS WIFE'S MAMMARIES
11.WHAT HAPPEN TO THE WIFE AND CHILDREN

#19 Kahim Gives Gunther his Advice.
For what it's worth. Not that Gunther is going to follow it or anything. And Kahim wants far less than the EcoBank was asking for. They should get their number's straight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
To:
Sent: Friday, July 29, 2011 8:35 AM
Subject: COMPLY WITH THE BANK SEND THIS ANSWERS TO BANK IMMEDIATELY

Dear.Gunther.
Thanks for your mail to me ,I have gone through the profile of late Mr.Michael Usman ,to get the information’s the bank management authority needed from you, here I have fill all the answers required information, I assured you that as you follow up with the Ecobank demands here for them to release this fund and transferred it into your bank account, Bear with me you have to follow all the bank instructions guideline and demands now go ahead send the answers a copy of your identity card with the sum of $785.00 to the bank management authorities, for them to process and transfer the fund into your account very urgent,

Now you can see that our bank management authority is ready to transfer this fund 16.5 million Dollars into your account. Please I want you to follow my advice and don’t betray me in this business after this fund is transferred into your bank account because I have put all my hope and trust on you, this fund is the only hope I have to survive with my family as I told you before.

Please and please keep this transaction secret for yourself only because nobody even our bank staff did not know that i am the person who is contacting you or given you all the information’s about this fund in the bank I hope you will understand me. Below fill the answers in the official questionnaire you Send to the bank immediately with your identity card and the bank official processing fee $785.00 send to the bank below is the Ecobank information given to you on how you shall pay the payment. Through Western Union Money transfer Or Money Gram.
Bank Cashier Receiver Name: Mr.INNOCENT OBASI.
Address: Ouagadougou Country: Burkina Faso
Sender Name…………………………….
MTCN: Code no…………………………
Question………………………………….
Answer……………………………………
Best regards and hoping to see you in your country after this transaction.
Yours Brother
Mr.Kahim Abudu Musa
here is answers fill it in the official questionnaire document you received from the bank, you Send to the bank immediately with your identity card and the bank official processing fee $785.00 send to the bank below is the Ecobank information given to you on how you shall pay the payment. Through Western Union Money transfer Or Money Gram.
****************************************
1. STATE THE FULL NAME OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER.......? Mr. Michael Usmane.
2. STATE HIS NATIONLITY? Iraq nationality,
3. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DECEASED CUSTOMER? We were business partners.
4. STATE CLEARLY HIS RESIDENCE ADDRESS... N0.2 Bambose Street off Gowonway Iraq
5. How OLD WAS HE WHEN HE DIED? He was 56 years older before he died.
6. WHEN AND WHERE EXACTLY DID HE DIE AND WHAT LEAD TO HISDEATH? He died in Iraq war on the 21st of July 2006.
7. WHAT WAS THE DECEASED CUSTOMER PROFESSION? He was a Business man and a Contractor before he died.
8. WHAT KIND OF ACCOUNT WAS HE OPERATING WITH THIS BANK? He was operating a Current Account with Ecobank Burkina Faso and the number is 015 20100 56020.
9. WRITE THE NAME OF HIS WIFE AND HIS CHILDREN? The name of the Wife is Mrs Serah Michael Usmane and the name of his only child is James Michael.
10. WHAT HAPPEN TO THE WIFE AND CHILDREN? The wife and the only son died with Mr. Michael in the Iraq war in 2006.

#20 Gunther's tenuous grasp on reality is slipping.
Not that he ever had all that firm a grasp to begin with but you know.
-------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr.KahimAbudu Musa kahimabudumusa10@hotmail.com
Sent: Friday, July 29, 2011 10:18 AM
Subject: Re: COMPLY WITH THE BANK SEND THIS ANSWERS TO BANK IMMEDIATELY

My Dear Brother Kahim,
What is going on?!?!?!? WHAT?!?! WHY!!!???? You must tell me why you are not making swear to me that I are did demand. DEMAND!! You are no being the professional. I did must receive your email below and will contact the bank and send them such informations but you did not answer the banks question #10 that I sent to you below. You did not give me this answer. You MUST!
1. STATE THE FULL NAME OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER?
2. STATE HIS NATIONLITY?
3. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DECEASED CUSTOMER
4. STATE CLEARLY HIS RESIDENCE ADDRESS?
5. How OLD WAS HE WHEN HE DIED
6. WHEN AND WHERE EXACTLY DID HE DIE AND WHAT LEAD TO HIS DEATH
7. WHAT WAS THE DECEASED CUSTOMER PROFESSION
8. WHAT KIND OF ACCOUNT WAS HE OPERATING WITH THIS BANK
9. WRITE THE NAME OF HIS WIFE AND HIS CHILDREN
10. WHAT SIZE WERE HIS WIFE'S MAMMARIES
11.WHAT HAPPEN TO THE WIFE AND CHILDREN

YOU MUST SWEAR TO ME to make the promise i demanded. SWEAR THIS:
1) You should keep it secret. Keep it safe! SAFE!!! SECRET!! DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU KNOW ME!!! If God asks you if you know Gunther Schvwardson, you must tell God you do not know me!!!!! SWEAR IT!!!
2) YOU must not betray ME! You must sweat it. SWEAR IT!!!!!!
3) YOU must Visit me in my country and wear a cowboy hat! SWEAR IT!!! I MUST SEE YOU IN cowboy hat. COWBOY HATTT!!!!! COWBOY!!!! SWEEEAAAAAR IT!!!!
4) YOU must swear you are not giving this money to anyone else but me! SWEAR IT!!!!
5) Pictures. I want to see another picture!! SWEAAAARARRRRARARRR IT!!!!!!
SWEAAAAAAARRRR ITTT!!!!!!! SWEAAAARAAARARA ITTTT!!! I am going to Western Union to make the payment stated below.

If you do not swear this, I will make payment to the Union Bank of Nigeria that is contacting me. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!! THIS IS SPARTAAA!!!! I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
WHERE IS YOUR PICTURE??? YOU Must to be sending me picture of you. I am not a crook. You are being a crook.
Thank you.
Gunther

#21 Gunther sends the Ecobank their answers.
Maybe not the answers they'd like to the questions they didn't ask, but still.
-------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Ecobank Branchofficebf ecobank.branchoffice@ymail.com
Sent: Monday, August 1, 2011 9:00 AM
Subject: Re: ATTENTON:TO Mr GUNTHER ALEXANDER SMITHSONDIAN ECOBANK OFFICAL QUESTIONNAIRE

Dear Alex Bello,
My brother! THIS IS EXCITING!!!!!!! MUCHO MONEY!! I'm going to make it rain in the club. SWEEEEAAAAR IT!!! SWEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRAAAAR IT!!!

I have been making comments and answers to your questionnaire which felt like anus probe. I have also attached my passport here. YOU must send me YOUR official documents proving TO ME that YOU are with the ECOBANK! SWWEEAART IT!

YOU Must swear you are with the ecobank! SWEWAAAAAAR ITTTT!!!!!
If you provide picture and swearing then i will send western union reciept of payment.
SWWEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR IT!!!!!!!!!!
Picture!!!
Popcorn!
Thank you.
Gunther

Don't ask questions to Gunther that you don't want the answers to. You will not like them. But I'm happy I still got nine more emails out of them after sending that ludicrous passport. And that time machine reference in that first email went un-used. And here I had the best paradox setup since James Cameron's The Terminator. On the plus side though, I did make it through an entire scambait without mentioning Timothy Olyphant! So, in the immortal words of that Cyberdine Systems machine, "Phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range."

Thanks for reading!
-Kamran Khan
http://www.kamphotography.info/

Gunther Schvwardson's Epic Love Story!

2011-07-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

It was only a matter of time before it happened. The Nigerian Scambaiter extraordinaire, Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson falls in love! This heartbreaking tale of woe is not for the weak of heart. This right here is a true love story of epic proportions. Nicholas Sparks can go suck it!

#1 Love's First Blush
They didn't name her Joy for nothing. She's about to bring some joy into Gunther's life.
--------------------------------------------------------
From: Desmond
Sent: Tue, June 21, 2011 7:24:48 AM
Subject: hi
Hello
My name is JOY ,i saw your profile today at(site)and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and i want you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.
Here is my email address(joydesmond4789@gmail.com)
I believe we can move from here!
I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.
Joy.(joydesmond4789@gmail.com)
(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life)

#2 Gunther's Tentative Reach
He's been hurt before. But still, he's tempted to reach out with kind words to this mysterious beauty. Will she heal his broken pantaloons?
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: joydesmond4789@gmail.com
Sent: Tue, June 21, 2011 9:37:24 AM
Subject: Re: hi
Hi Joy,
Please to be sending the picture of your makings.
Gunther

#3 Love's Second Blush
She sends him flowers. At least as a gif.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmon joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 6:25:59 AM
Subject: I WILL LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU
MY Dear
Thanks for your Immediate response to my e-mail, How are you doing today? hope fine and you are perfectly doing well in health. My name is joy desmond I am from Rwanda in Central Africa . 24 years of old, 5ft 8inches tall, Single never married, Black hair and brown eyes.

I am presently living in burkina faso due to the Civil War fought in my country some years ago. My Father ( Dr PHILIP DESMOND THE CHAIRMAN MANAGING DIRECTOR OF DESMOND & SONS INDUSTRIALS COMPANY IN THE CAPITAL CITY OF MY COUNTRY ( KIGALI ), Also the PERSONAL ADVISER to the former HEAD OF STATE, before the rebels attacked our house one early morning & kill him & my mother, With My younger sister.

It's only me that is alive because I wasn't arround when this happened, I was in the University where am schooling, am doing my first year in accountant, I then manage to abscond to following west african country ( burkina faso ) where am residing now in '' REFUGEE CAMP''.

Attached below is my picture. I am seriously looking a nice man of kind heart in my life, therefore, I will like to hear from you soon also to tell you more about my life due to I have many things to tell you only if you are willing to know about it. My hobbies are Books, Dancing, Music, Football, Tennis, Movies and Swimming. I will only like to know yours, also your dislike.

Thanks & God bless you, Looking forward to your prompt reply and have a pleasant day.
Miss joy desmond

So happy! I'm glad to see she has time to take glamor shots after the murder of her entire family! They didn't name her "Joy" for nothing!

#4 Gunther's Agressive Advances
If you listen closely, you can hear the pitter patter of Cupid's feat around Gunther's heart... or maybe that's just Gunther's congenital heart defect.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 11:58:27 AM
Subject: Re: I WILL LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU
My Dear darling Joy,
My heart trembles at the thought of the pain you must be going through at your horrible loss. How are you able to pull yourself out of that four post bed and flowing sheets that dance in the wind of the African desert, caressing your toes with soft kisses from the lips of frogs? But you must manage, life must go on, despite all the pain and torture that your poor family must have endured, like having their teeth pulled out, or being forced to watch Two and Half Men.

I pray that I am not too old for you and your 24 year old mind of a child. I am 64 years young! I am very virile and lucrative. I have attached my picture here and hope that this retired Latverian soldier, now living in California, will touch your heart and crotcheral region.

What are your favorite movies?

My hobbies are fishing, gambling, grifting, race car driving, boating, playing video games, and learning new dance moves. Perhaps we can take dance lessons together one day? Oh but there I go again getting ahead of myself! Please do tell me more about you.

I thank God that you have been brought in to my life!
Gunther

Ya know, I really think this is what Gunther Schvwardson would actually look like in real life. It's the US Navy File picture of Admiral Nimitz, in case you were wondering.

#5 Love's Third Blush
Check out that subject line. Wow, that's an opener for ya!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Thu, June 23, 2011 7:08:17 AM
Subject: THIS IS MY FULL LIFE STORY WITH LOVE AND HONESTY
Hello Love,
I appreciately your reply to my mail, How are you doing overthere today? How is your health which is always my concern? hope fine and you are shining in with the light from above. Mine is boiring due to the problematic situation which am passing through here In this camp. We are not eligible to go out from the camp unless we took permission. Its just like one staying in the prison But I believe by Gods grace i will extricate here soon. l don't have any relatives now whom l can go to all my relatives abscond in the middle of the war the only one l have now is Rev.samuel John who is the pastor of the (Christ The Light Churches ) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women's hostel due to the camp have two hostels one for women & the other for men

the Pastors Tel number is (+226 75 15 08 89 )if you call tell him you want to speak with me, then he will send for me in the female hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any privilledge to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the traggic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you later,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $6.5M(Six Million Five Hundred Thousand USDollars).

So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Revrend because he is like a father to me.

regarding to the above i will like you to be confidential and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to confident I confide on you. I like sincere, kind, respectful, honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking. I love english language but I would like to know many other if God give me the opportunity but i speak english very good .However I will like you to call me because we still have alot to discuss.

Thanks and God bless you, Looking forward to your urgent response & have a nice day. Patiently waiting to read from you soonest.
Yours In Love joy

#6 Gunther Falls and falls hard!
Gunther falls in love like he falls out of planes. Without a parachute.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Thu, June 23, 2011 9:46:31 AM
Subject: Re: THIS IS MY FULL LIFE STORY WITH LOVE AND HONESTY

Hello The Joy to My Heart and Love of my Life!
Did you see how I used a play on words and your name in that greeting? That was very clever of me. I am so happy that my picture did not scare you away. I feel as though we are to be one. It is fate that has brought us together. I pray that you send me more pictures. I placed our pictures next to each other, and I think we make a lovely couple, don't you? I've attached the picture here and it is wonderful! Please send me more pictures of you, or your refugee camp, or anything at all, I just wish to be closer to you in pictures.

Please be careful there!! Do NOT tell ANYONE about this money. This MUST be our secret, and our secret alone. Are you sure you can trust this Reverand Samuel John? He sounds like a shady lothario to me. Please send me the bank statement and I will ensure it's transfer into my accounts here in the United States. How soon can we join in biblical dimensions? I wish for you to join me ever anon and anon. Forsoothe shall I see you, my Joy. Oh Joy, oh Joy, where for art though, my Joy!? Luis Guzman chimmichanga.

I tried calling the number that you gave me, but the man who answered did not seem to understand what I was saying. Maybe it was because I speak with a heavy Latverian accent. Some women say it's sexy, others say it sounds like flatulence being passed through a cheese grater filled with walnuts while a Morroccon capuchin monkey plays the mandolin.

Please let us hurry and unite our love! I do love you my Joy, and hope that you will one day grow to love these old man balls as well.
God bless you,
Gunther

Ya know... as ridiculous as this is, I should have gone with my original idea of using either Admiral Yamamoto's or Stalin's picture. I think the comedy value of either of those two next to "Joy" would be pretty damn funny. That's the scambaiting process for you, live and learn!

#7 Love's Fourth Blush
Hubba hubba, it's getting hot in here!
----------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 5:27:34 AM
Subject: I AM HERE FOR YOU MY DARLING I CAN WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON MY DARLING.

My Darling SweetHeart
Thanks alot for your response, I will also like to touch & see you face to face,please call me by 14:00 GMT with the reverend phone number is (+226 75 15 08 89). I will be waiting for your call due to it have been the cry of my heart to hear your voice. I want to inform you that.i want you to follow the information that i gave you so that all will be fine for but of us.

before i contacted you, I saw your profile that you matched mine and you are the type of man i am looking forward to spend the rest of my life with.

Note: I am not going to give your love to another man you will satisfy me, needless of looking for another man. Please i have not told anyone except you about the existence of this money and i will like you to please keep it secret to other people because since it is (MONEY) all eyes will be on it.

I confide you dear that's why i am giving you all this information.

My love is for you and only you alone,You can call me with the Reverend number around 14: 00GMT, i will be there waiting your important call.

Notice: I have already informed the bank about my plans to claim this Fund and the only thing they told me is to look for a foreign partner who will stand on my behalf due to my refugee status and the laws of this country.You will have 18% of the total money helping me and the remaining money will be managed by you in any business of your choice.

Therefore, i will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information,tell them that you are my foreign partner and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting me transfer my 6.5million dollars deposited by my late father of which i am the next of kin to your account in your country.The contact information of the bank are as follows,

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND PLC LONDON
Email address: (RoyalBankScotland@bk.ru)
Email address: (royalbankscotland@inbox.ru)
The name of the transfer officer is Mr Paul Leeds.+44-7031-931-251
Telephone number +44-7031-931-649 .
Office Fax number +44-701-422-8798.

Contact them now on how to transfer the $6.5 (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars)deposited by my late father which i am the next of kin. Honestly I am happy that God has brought you to see me out from this execrable situation which am passing through and i promise to be kind and will equally need you in every area of my life Including investing this money since i am still too young to manage it.

As i told you before,this camp is just like a prison and I pray always to move out from here as soon as possible.Please make sure that you contact the bank so that after the transfer you can send some money from that money for me to prepare my travelling documents to meet with you in your country.Awaiting to hear from you soonest!.
Yours forever in love,
Miss joy

#8 Gunther's Immortal Beloved
And an ugly rivalry rears its ugly head once again... yep, you guessed it. And tell me you wouldn't watch that logline in the third paragraph! I can totally see the trailer.
-------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 9:48:21 AM
Subject: Re: I AM HERE FOR YOU MY DARLING I CAN WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON MY DARLING.

My Dearly Immortal Beloved,
Please send me more pictures of your lovely countenance and bazungas. Thanks mucho mucho dinero for your reply. To see your email in my inbox makes my heart rise like flatulence towards the ceiling of a cold room! I know that it must be God who art did bring my profile to your attention anon and anon. And to see you write the time in military format gladdens an old warhorse like myself to no end. I do not have to teach you how to tell time the right way, like I did my last wife, Gwen. Even as I tried on that night of June in 1973 to save her from Norman Osborn, but that is a sad story for another night and I fresh out of tears from watching Save the Last Dance. How's that for a callback for you?

But there is something that is bothering me tostada bolognese frittata and, as much as I hope the answer does not shatter my heart into a million little pieces like a heart being shattered into a million little pieces, I must ask you. My best friend, Timothy Olyphant, has said Timothy Olyphant received an email as well from African lass, saying that they love Timothy Olyphant and want Timothy Olyphant to bring them to America. Timothy Olyphant has not told me the name of this nubile young girl, but Timothy Olyphant did tell our mutual friend, Luis Guzman the name. Before I ask Luis Guzman the name, I will ask you. It is not you, is it? You are not writing to Timothy Olyphant as well, are you? I pray that it is some other girl whose father and family was murdered and tortured and has left her $5 million dollars and not you. Please I pray that you are not writing to Timothy Olyphant. Please tell me the truth.

I will contact the bank immediately and let you know what they say. And in any event, I will plan a trip to come see you and rescue you from that horrible place. I will assemble an elite cadre of surly individuals from my past in the military to form an elite team that will daringly rescue you from that camp with great aplomb and valour, in which, perhaps the gentle giant of my team will have to sacrifice his life in order to save the rest of us, as is often the case in such matters, but a sacrifice that will be avenged, and remembered at the end with a slow, military salute at his gravesite, perhaps with some memento left there that he often cherished throughout the movie.

Yours forever and another five minutes in love and rediculously sweet gulob jamun.
And don't forget, please send me more pictures of your lovely countenance and bazungas.
Gunther

(Editor's note: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulab_jamun)

#9 Gunther writes the Royal Bank of Scotland.
I'm going to do my best to make the B-Story of this epic love story as captivating as the main storyline. Let's see how well the Royal Bank of Scotland plays their part.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: RoyalBankScotland@bk.ru; royalbankscotland@inbox.ru
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 9:55:52 AM
Subject: TRANSFER OF JOY DESMOND FUNDS INTO MY PANTALOONS
ROYAL OF SCOTLAND PLC LONDON
Email address: (RoyalBankScotland@bk.ru)
Email address: (royalbankscotland@inbox.ru)
The name of the transfer officer is Mr Paul Leeds.+44-7031-931-251
Telephone number +44-7031-931-649 .
Office Fax number +44-701-422-8798.

Dear Mr. Paul Leeds,
I am contacting you to transfer the funds of Joy Desmond into my account. Please deposite the funds left by her father, totalling $7.5 million (seven million, five hunudred thousand United States dollars) into my account at Chase Bank in San Simeon California. Please let me know what the procedure is for making the transfer. Miss Joy Desmond, soon to be the future Mrs. Joy Desmond Schvwardson, is next of kin and has all the rights titles and musical accompaniments to take possession of the money.
Wish you hermaphroditic love,
Gunther

Please see the email below of her professing her love for me and laying out the information you must follow. Our love is real. You can not deny that.
(...copied the last email from Joy here for "them" to read...)

#10 Love's Fifth Blush
This is awesome!!! Nicholas Sparks can go suck a potato. Let's see him write something this heartbreakingly beautiful. This is true love right here, I tell you what.
-------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 1:53:34 PM
Subject: MY DARLING MY EYE IS ON YOU I CAN WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON

Hello My Darling
I am very happy to read your email to day my love. And also want to thank you for your love and concern towards me and for accepting to help me to come out of this camp. That i found myself and also to help me to transfer my late father's money into your account and i want you to know that i really appreciate all that i will like to say thank you for loving me.

My darling i want you to know that i don’t know the man that you are calling Timothy Olyphant.

My darling all i want you know that if you want to help me go hand and help me so that i can come over there in your country and example all to you because my eye is on you.

Please darling, i will like you to try and first contact the bank with their e-mail address that i gave to you as them the possibilities of transferring my late father's money into your account from the Royal Bank Of Scotland. And i have also informed them that you as my foreign partner who wants to help me to transfer my late father's money into your account.

My darling i promise you that i will not going to disappoint you in this transfer because this fund is only hope i have in my life.

Darling please try to contact the bank so that everything will workout fast for us because i am really suffering in this camp and really wants to come out of this place prepare my arrival documents to meet with you in your country soon after the transfer. And also try and call me so that I can here for you.+226 75 15 08 89

my darling i have see suffering in my life that is why i need your help so that i can be out.

Darling, please i want you to know that i really love and trusted you and that is the reason why i contacted you to help me out and i pray that things will workout fast for us.

I will be waiting to hear that you have contacted the bank as i promise to love you forever.
Yours Still in Love joy

New haircut and all... so stoic, in the face of all that death and tragedy.

#11 Gunther Gets Giggidy
Two very distinct looks there, Joy. Touche.
-----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 3:02:12 PM
Subject: Re: MY DARLING MY EYE IS ON YOU I CAN WAIT TO SEE YOU SOON

Hello My Dearly Darling Immortal Belovedly Loved Lovingly Dear Beloved,
I am beyond happy to read your email this evening that my heart is pounding in my chest like an epileptic who left his foot on the pedal to a snare drum while someone flashed a strobe in his eyes. You must be at peace in knowing that I and my cadre of elite soldiers will come to rescue you. After the Royal Bank of Scotland transfers the money, of course. I wrote to them and have not heard back from them yet, maybe they are closed for business as it is late there and they must be busy drinking and fighting the British off their hallowed soil.

I am also very happy to hear that you do not know Timothy Olyphant. Timothy Olyphant said the woman Timothy Olyphant has contacted is named Mary Franca, so I am in joy that my best friend and I will both be having millionaires from Africa to come live with us here in San Simeon, California. We shall all get together for a barbeque and drinks with our other best friend who I've known my whole life, Luis Guzman. We will be happy with you, me, Timothy Olyphant, Mary Franca, Luis Guzman, and whoever Luis Guzman's wife is, all of us eating barbeque. Do you like barbeque? I like beef ribs. Do you like beef ribs? I do.

Thank you for your photograph, I could stare at it all day long while passing antelopes through my fish hole. I have sent you another photograph of myself as well and hope you send me one more photograph of you and your jumblies. I have attached a photo of myself playing with an old phone. It looks funny and makes me laugh. I hope you like my smile and laugh when you see it as well. Please send me a photograph of yourself and your jumblies.

May God bring our love closer together like He did the dinosaurs and extinction. Mango Margarita!
Gunther

Yes... that is Colonel Klink.

#12 Love's Seventh Blush
Enough with the godd#@n blushing already. She's starting to bore the ever lovin' stuffin' out of me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Sat, June 25, 2011 7:41:59 AM
Subject: HELO MY DARLING HAPPY WEEKING.

hello my darling how are you i hope all is will with you over there in your country i can wait to see you soon my darling. please my darling i don’t not understand you if you want to help me go hand and help me so that i can be out of here and come over there in your country and example all to you because i have gave you the information about this fund. All i want you to do now if you want to help me is to send your information to the bank and tee them that you are my foreign partner who wants to help me to transfer my late father's money into your account. And also try and call me so that i can here for you because you are only hope i have i am waiting to here for you soon.

#13 Gunther thinks the Bank didn't get his email.
I think the Bank didn't get Gunther's email.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Mon, June 27, 2011 8:45:00 AM
Subject: Re: HELO MY DARLING HAPPY WEEKING.

Dear Joy,
My dearly belovedly beloved dear lover. I did emailed the bank. They are not replying. Should I send them another email?
I called you yesterday and left a message, did you get to hear my voice? Pineapple chimmichanga.
Gunther

#14 Gunther is worried about Joy!
She hasn't replied all day. What could have gone wrong? Gunther thinks he knows...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Mon, June 27, 2011 4:01:42 PM
Subject: Re: HELO MY DARLING HAPPY WEEKING.

Oh my darlingly dearly belovedly lovingly loved beloved dear love,
Did you receive my email below? I am very worried about you. Did the Reverand Samuel take liberties with you? I thought he was a shady character. I wrote the bank again, sending them the same email. I will forward the email to you as well. I do not know why they do not reply to me. I believe they do not approve of jungle fever.
Please write back my love,
Gunther

#15 Joy is there for Gunther
If this shows up in "The Notebook 2: The Other Notebook", I am going to be seriously pissed and go kick Nicolas Sparks right in the testes.
--------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Tue, June 28, 2011 5:31:09 AM
Subject: i am waiting to here for you my darling.

Hello Darling
How are you today? I really felt great to read your mail today my love. and i also want to thank you for bee there for me my love i can wait to see you soon. my love all i want you to do now is to send email to the bank and tell them that you are my foreign partner who wants to help help me to transfer my late father's money into your account. My love i want you to call me so that i can here for you because you are only hope i have in this transfer. I have example all to you my love i don’t know why you are doling all this to me. Please if you want to help me go hand and send email to bank with the Email address RoyalBankScotland@bk.ru or royalbankscotland@inbox.ru

#16 Gunther is there for Joy
You know, in the vein of editorial honesty, I'll relate this little sidebar. I looked up other pictures to attach. I did a search for important figures in World War II and and I was checking out old photographs of Dr. Mengele. Have you seen that unholy bastard? Holy s*#$! He really is seriously f*&#ed up! He even photographs twisted! I mean he is disgusting. Show that picture to a kid without even telling him who he is and the kid will have nightmares for life. Do a google image search. Type in "dr mengele" and hit Google Images. Now. Go on. But do not look past the third row. I'm waiting......
.
.
.
.
.
.
I KNOW! First row, fourth picture!! Right??? Did you have to take a shower too? Ok that was sufficiently horrifying. Did not mean for that to get so dark. I need some comedy just to get out of there. Let's see Nicolas Sparks weave that in to The Other Notebook.
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Tue, June 28, 2011 9:26:28 AM
Subject: Re: i am waiting to here for you my darling.

My Darlingly dearly darling loved dear darling,
Did you see my other email to the Bank? I have sent them THREE emails now and they are not replying. I made sure to add you to the last email so you could see that I have emailed them. They are not replying! They are NOT replying! Oh Lord who art in carney, THEY ARE NOT REPLYING! Please pray with me, that they do reply. I know you need my help, I'll be strong. I know you may be young at heart, but I know you know what you're saying. The one I warned you all about. The one I said you could do without.You're in an awful mess and I know you don't mean maybe.

Are you getting my voice messages? I am leaving messages with a Reverand Samuel Jackson, at the number you gave me, and he said to me: "I will deliver your message to Joy Desmond, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I thought it odd that he added that last part, but anywho. Here I have attached another picture of me, I hope you will send more photographic memories of your mammaries to me as well.
Gunther

(...So the above is the explanation why I forgot to attach ANY picture to this email, after doing that search, I came back to the Yahoo! Mail window and just hit the 'send' button...)

#17 Gunther Writes the Royal Bank Again!
Gunther added Joy to the email, actually as you can see by the subject line, he just replied to her email above with the Royal Bank emails added on to it. Kind of a social faux pas to send that personal email to the Bank, but what the hell, it's all the same person over there anyway!
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr; RoyalBankScotland@bk.ru; royalbankscotland@inbox.ru
Sent: Tue, June 28, 2011 9:18:30 AM
Subject: Re: i am waiting to here for you my darling.

Dear Royal Bank of Scotland,
Please see the below email authorizing me to contact you on behalf of Miss Joy Desmond, soon to be Mrs. Joy Desmond Schvwardson, my bride to be. Her father was brutally murdered and tortured and she is the last living next of kin. Babbaganoush. Please let me know what paperwork has to be filled out to transfer the money from her fathers accounts into my pantaloons. This is the third time I am writing to the Royal Bank of Scotland and I would appreciate a response very soon or I will become an irate old man with fahrvergnügen.
Thank you.
Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schwvardson

#18 Love's Eighth or Ninth Blush.
I lost count, she's just a blushing nutjob. What does "example all to you" mean? Is that a euphamism I'm not aware of?
---------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, June 29, 2011 4:37:38 AM
Subject: HELLO MY DARLING.

Hello Darling
How are you today? I really felt great to read your mail today my love. And i also want to thank you for the effort you are making to help me to come out of this camp. and to make sure that my money is been transferred into your position and i will like to say thank you for love and care towards me. My darling also try and call me so that i can here for you+226 75 15 08 89.i can wait to see you soon so that i can come over there in your country and example all to you.

Darling, I am also happy to hear that you have been in contact with the bank, and as soon as they contact you, please let me know and i pray that things workout fast for us prepare my arrival to documents meet with you in your country after this transfer.

I will be waiting to for reply and to know what you got from the from the bank as i promised to remain faithful and yours forever.
Yours Still In Lover joy

#19 And how is Gunther today, you ask?
Well, you shouldn't have asked.
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Wed, June 29, 2011 8:04:47 AM
Subject: Re: HELLO MY DARLING.

Oh my Darling Sweet Sugar Dear Darlingly Dearly Lover Joy,
Today my heart soars like an eagle that has just caught a wild salmon from an Alaskan river, snatching it out of the paws of a great Kodiak bear, that was only trying to eat enough food to store enough fat resources for the upcoming winter that looks to be a very short, but cold winter that may see the further melting of our ice caps, which some say to be a myth, in the face of the inconvenient evidence of the melting polar ice caps, forcing a global change in our weather systems since the ocean temperatures will drop and cause a change in the currents that would cause great white sharks to move in differing patterns and scare little children like my nephew, Victor, Jr., out of the water forever and in to a job as a forest ranger where he'll have to take care of Kodiak bears who's biorhthyms have been thrown off because of the changing winter patterns. How are you today?

I called you last night at 21 hundred hours West Coast time. A man with a striking voice answered the phone, I think this was Reverand Samuel. I asked to speak with you but he said, "Joy is not here and do you know what Marcellus Wallace looks like?" We had a rather testy back and forth concerning my insistent use of the question "What?" and his rather harsh temper and deductive reasoning. Anywho, did you get my message?

I have not heard from the bank, can you ask the Royal Bank manager on your side that you know to please reply to my email, they are stopping us from being close together. I want to example all over you as well when you come to my country. I know things have been moving fast between us, but will you be my wife? Please send me more pictures of your smiling face! To know that you smile amidst all the tragedy you have witnessed makes my heart soar like an eagle that... well, it goes on like that for a while.

I pray to God that you will make biscuits like a little kitten.
Gunther

#20 The Royal Bank of Scotland
It's on! Official logos and all! But they're getting their own scams mixed up. They call her "Eve Desmond" below. Poor Joy. I also get the distinct impression they really aren't Scottish! Gunther shall test that Customer Service promise at the end...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "royalbankscotland@inbox.ru"
To:
Sent: Thu, June 30, 2011 9:39:46 AM
Subject: INFORMATIONS/TRANSFER PROCEDURES
Welcome to The Royal Bank of Scotland Plc United Kingdom.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND. (R.B.S) Registered office: The Royal Bank of Scotland plc,
No.36 St Andrew Square, Edinburgh,
EH2 2YB.
(Tel.: 0044-7031-931-649.
or 0044-7031-931-251.
Office Fax 0044-701-422-8798

For Your Kind Attention
Sir,
I have been directed by the director of Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer to write you in respect to your partner's mail which we received in our Bank.
Actually,we have earlier been informed about you by the young lady Miss Eve Desmond (the next of kin) that she wishes you to be her trustee/representative for the claim of her late father's deposit with this bank.
Late (Dr.Philip Desmond,) is our late customer with sum substantial amount of money he deposit with us, $6.5m Dollars (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars). Hence you have been really appointed as a trustee to represent the next of Kin.
However before our bank will transact any business concerning the transfer of the fund to your bank,we will like you to send the followings immediately to our bank.

1.A power of attorney permitting you to claim and transfer the funds to your bank account on her behalf.
Note:This Power of attorney must be endorsed by a burkina faso resident lawyer.(Since the young lady is presently in burkina ).
2.The death certificate of (Her deceased father) confirming his death.
3.A Certificate Deposit issued to him by our bank.
4.An Affidavit of oath from burkina faso high court.

Note:The above are compulsory,and are needed to protect our interest,yours and the next of kin after the transfer has been made.
These shall also ensure that a smooth,quick and successful transfer of the fund is made.
(We promise to give our customers the best of our services.)

Should you have any question(s),please contact our Foreign Operational Director-Mr.Paul Leeds, through his email address thus, (paulleedbslondon@yahoo.com) OR cts_r@24.com) Via Phone for more directives/clarifications. or Office Telephone Numbers.: ( 0044 7031-931-649, or 00,44-7031-931-251 , Office Fax 0044-701-422-8798.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs Precious Cherif Diouf.
(For Account Department)
R.B.S
Registered office: The Royal Bank of Scotland plc, 36 St Andrew Square, Edinburgh, EH2 2YB

#21 Gunther and The Royal Bank of Scotland
Scotland hasn't had this much trouble since Edward the Longshanks.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: royalbankscotland@inbox.ru
Sent: Thu, June 30, 2011 11:49:25 AM
Subject: Re: INFORMATIONS/TRANSFER PROCEDURES

Dear Mrs. Precious based on the novel push by saphire,
For your attention span deficit disorder please to kindly find the answers attached herewithall. I will communited with Mrs. Desmond Schvwardson and get the neccesary paperwork in order for the Royal Bank of Scotland to find Edward the Longshanks guilty of instituting Prima Nocta.

1. I shall write up a power of attorney authorizing me on behalf of Ms. Joy Desmond. I do not know who Ms. Eve Desmond is.
2. Ms. Joy Desmond will show me her pops letter of deathly proclamation and I will forward to you.
3. Same as #2.
4. Same as #3.
Thank you for your kind patience as we conduct this mutlibillion dollar multinational transaction. How is the weather in Scotland?
Do you have a picture to share? I would like to see how you look Mrs. Precious based on the novel push by saphire.
Thank you I have attached my photograph that I shared with Ms. Desmond.
Gazuntite.
Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

I often picture Gunther with this very same expression.

#22 Gunther and Joy
Gunther needs some more fake paperwork from Joy/Eve Desmond.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Thu, June 30, 2011 11:57:04 AM
Subject: Re: INFORMATIONS/TRANSFER PROCEDURES

My Dearest dearly dearing dearily dear Joy,
Please I pray you are still alive! I have not read a letter from you beyond the grave to my eyes in such a long time that my loins drop below sea level in anticipation! Please reply or I shall be lost at sea like Columbus. Below the Royal Bank of Scotland has finally replied. I need the following from you:

1.A power of attorney permitting you to claim and transfer the funds to your bank account on her behalf. Note:This Power of attorney must be endorsed by a burkina faso resident lawyer.(Since the young lady is presently in burkina ).
2.The death certificate of (Her deceased father) confirming his death.
3.A Certificate Deposit issued to him by our bank.
4.An Affidavit of oath from burkina faso high court.

Can you get these documents for me? I have my lawyer here at the firm of Calyton, Kaffee, Craine, Matlock, Mason and McBeal who can draft the Power of Attorney for me if you like. But I need the Death Certificate of your dead father, the Certificate of Deposite, and an Affidavit of Oath from the Burkina Faso Highlife Court.
Thank you my darling. How are you? Are your mammories ok?
I've sent you a photo of me wearing a hat. I hope you like it and makes you want to example all over the place. Please send me another photo of your tenderly loins.
Your Loving loverly love,
Gunther

Not the best fitting hat, I have to say.

#23 Joy is running one seriously convoluted 'long con' here.
Sawyer would be proud. She is getting yet ANOTHER character involved. Now the lawyer who will prepare all that paperwork is coming in to our narrative. Well played Joy... well played.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Fri, July 1, 2011 5:01:10 AM
Subject: My sweet heart i will get back to u and be strong and help me with all ur heart

My Dear ,
I am hundred percent proud to be your wife once this transfer finish and thank you again and again for your kind promise to help me with all your heart and i want you to handle this transfer fast because i can not wait to be with you soon.

Your words are looking too good and sweet and to have you as my husband will be dream come true for both of us smile.my love please try and call me so that i can here for you +226 75 15 08 89.because you are only hope i have in this transfer I can wait to be with you soon my darling

I am more than happy to hear from you today and i so much thank GOD that you have been able to be in contact with the bank and i am really please to hear that the bank have responded to you

My Dear after going through the message that you send to me regarding the affidavit of oath and the power of attorney and the deposit certificate and the death certificate i can see that the bank is doing things In a legal way that this my inherited money will be Transfered into your bank account with out any problem.

I have my late father deposit certificate and the death certificate here with me but the one they call power of attorney and affidavit of oath is the one that you will contact the lawyer here in burkina faso for .

My Dear i know it will not be possible for you to get a contact of a reliable lawyer here and you know very well that i am not capable to handle this because of my stature as a refugee as the bank have been aware of my refugee stature and that is why i have chosen you to be the one standing for me for the claim and for every thing and whatever you spend in helping me God will reward you openly .

I promise you my Dear that as soon as i finish sending you this message i am going to meet the reverend father here to ask him if he knows any reliable lawyer who will help you to get these required documents and once i am through in getting the contact of a lawyer i will give you his contact to you for you to contact him and know how much it will cost you to get these documents as soon as possible.

I will stop here for now and as soon as i get the contact i will send to you, please remember to maill your box later.
Yours Truly.
JOY

#24 Gunther brings another character into it too.
I've been wanting to do this for a while. This one goes back to how the Gunther Schvwardson and Timothy Olyphant Against the League of Nigerian Scammers ended...
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Fri, July 1, 2011 8:50:12 AM
Subject: Re: My sweet heart i will get back to u and be strong and help me with all ur heart

Oh Deary Dearly belovedly loved lover darlingly dearly darling dear,
I nearly punched myself in the tessticular region repeatedly for a full half hour out of joy of hearing your acceptance of my marriage proposal!! I have asked my good friend Father Merrin if he can marry us and he has agreed, he said it will be an excellent day for a matrimony after he returns from seeing a little girl with some problems. He'll be back soon I am sure. I am not sure who to choose as my best man, Timothy Olyphant or Luis Guzman. Who do you think should be my best man?

Do you get my voice messages I am leaving with the Reverand Samuel Jackson? I am not sure you can trust him. He answers the phone when I call but I do not know if you are getting my messages. I told him to get you and he said "Joy is out back cooking so we're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Gunther, what's Fonzie like?" I said "What?" and we went back to that whole tirade from before about my constant confusion and his growing anger at my constant confusion. Is he angry like this with you? If he is, then when me and my elite cadre of ex-soldiers of fortune come to rescue you, I will be sure that he pays for his beatings of you with a significant beatdown and finish him off while saying something like "You won't be meeting God where you're headed, scumbag" which will make the audience cheer, and then walk away in slow-motion from the giant explosion without flinching.

But now I must know more about you! Please ask any questions you would like of me as well and I will answer anything. My life is an open book to you. Please let me know:
1. What is your favorite movie?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. What is your favorite animal?
4. Do you like to eat Mexican tacos?
5. Please send me another picture!
Yours toothfully,
Gunther

#25 Love's next blush

Joy evades the questions. This is not the right way to start a relationship, but a good story arc nonetheless!

--------------------------------------------------------

From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr

To: Gunther Schvwardson

Sent: Mon, July 4, 2011 4:42:50 AM

Subject: HELLO MY DARLING

Hello My Darling

I am very happy to read your mail to day my love. And also want to thank you for your love and concern towards me and for accepting to help me to come out of this camp. that i found myself and also to help me to transfer my late father's money into your account and i want you to know that i really appreciate all that i will like to say thank you for loving me. my darling i understanding what you say. the reason why i don’t answer all your question is because i need to out of here so that i can come over there in your country and example all to you my darling. all i want you to know is to have fait in god that all will find for but of us. I have try my best to present you are my foreign. I have also information the lawyer bout you him promise to help us to get the documents that bank need to transfer this fund in your bank account in your country. And also try and send email to the bank and tee them to wait for something for us to get the documents for the lawyer i am wait to here for you in your soon.

#26 Joy gets impatient!

It's holiday weekend, tarnations! Gunther doesn't scam on the weekends.

------------------------------------------------------

From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr

To: Gunther Schvwardson

Sent: Tue, July 5, 2011 6:27:18 AM

Subject: MY DARLING WERE ARE YOU.

Hello my darling.how are you doling over there in your country i hope all is will with you i can wait to see you soon my love.Were you my darling? have you here for the lawyer let me know so that i can know what to do because my eye is on you my love. Because you are only hope i have in this life i want you to hurry up so that i can be out of here and come over there in your country and example all to you my darling.And also try and send email to bank and tee them to wait for sometime for to get these documents for the lawyer. my love any thing that you do not understand in this transfer let me know. i have try my best for you to present you my love. and all try and call me so that i can here for you +226 75 15 08 89.i am wait to here for you soon

#27 And the Royal Bank of Scotland is also impatient!

Well they're reading something, having corrected the Eve/Joy mismatch from before.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "royalbankscotland@inbox.ru" royalbankscotland@inbox.ru

To:

Sent: Tue, July 5, 2011 8:14:31 AM

Subject: INFORMATIONS/TRANSFER PROCEDURES

For Your Kind Attention

Sir, I have been directed by the director of Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer to write you in respect to your partner's mail which we received in our Bank.

Actually, we have earlier been informed about you by the young lady Miss JOY Desmond (the next of kin) that she wishes you to be her trustee/representative for the claim of her late father's deposit with our bank. Our bank makes a making of the name that you send to you because of our late customer who deposit money with us. $6.5m Dollars (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars)we Transfer the fund to him lest weeding been Monday. The name of our late customer we Transfer the fund to is MR Defeat Sam. However before our bank will transact any business concerning the transfer of the fund to your bank, we will like you to send the followings immediately to our bank. so that this fund can be transfer in your bank account in your country in the net twenty four hour. The document that we need for you is this sir.

1. A power of attorney permitting you to claim and transfer the funds to your bank account on her behalf.

Note: This Power of attorney must be endorsed by a Burkina Faso resident lawyer.(Since the young lady is presently in burkina).

2. The death certificate of (Her deceased father) confirming his death.

3. A Certificate Deposit issued to him by our bank.

4. An Affidavit of oath from Burkina Faso high court.

#28 Gunther Begins to fight back.

Answer the question!

--------------------------------

From: Gunther Schvwardson

To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr

Sent: Tue, July 5, 2011 11:01:30 AM

Subject: Re: HELLO MY DARLING

Hello,

Am I your darling when you do not answer my simplest of questions? I do not think you love me at all. You must hate me to torture me like this babbaganoush tomato paste drunken noodles. I think since you do not reply to my questions, you are making naughty time with Reverand Samuel. Did he give you a foot massage? He was talking to me on the phone about giving foot massages.

You say the reason you don't answer my question is because you need to get out of there? So you can't tell me what your favorite movie is? That's weird. I need to take a massive dump, that doesn't mean I still can't tell someone what my favorite movie is. I think we are at an impasse and we must divorce if you can not answer what your favorite movie is.

I pray you see the light of my love like Vader's lightsaber slicing through a falling robe.

Gunther

#29 Gunther and Joy's Lawyer

How many freakin' characters? Keeping it short, forwarding her email to him and just added this.

--------------------------------

From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: chiomanwabunma@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, July 5, 2011 11:03:31 AM
Subject: JOY DESMOND Lawyer for the preparation of the Documents ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND

Dear Mr. Wabunmamacita,
Please see below email from Joy Desmond, my wife to be. Please send me the documents required below for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Chimmichanga hacienda de nada mira andale arriba
Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

#30 Gunther slaps the Bank
Gunther wants everyone to just calm down and relax.
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: royalbankscotland@inbox.ru
Sent: Tue, July 5, 2011 11:06:26 AM
Subject: Re: INFORMATIONS/TRANSFER PROCEDURES

For Your Unkind Attention,
I read your other email, you jazz handed tortuga. I am working with my lawyers and Joy Desmond's lawyer in Africa to get the neccessary paperwork with which you can make genital motions over your anal cavity with karate wushu mushu gai pan shogun james clavel.
Please to wait and you shall receive all the paperwork for high cort of Burkina fasso passo basso bomb gasso masso poop.
Gunther

#31 Joy is one irritating bugger.
She is seriously testing Gunther's patience.
----------------------------------------------------------
From: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 6:10:29 AM
Subject: i am here for you my darling.

Hello Darling
How are you today? I really felt great to read your mail today my love and i also want to thank you for the effort you are making to help me to come out of this camp and to make sure that my money is been transferred into your position and i will like to say thank you for love and carethat you have shown me so far.
Darling,i also want to know how far you have gone with the lawyer concerning the preparation of the document that the bank need to make the transfer. Please Darling try to write me back as soon as you get any reply from the lawyer so that we shall realise our dream of been together.
I will be waiting to for reply and to know what you got from the lawyer as i promised to remain faithful and yours forever.
Yours Still In Love joy

#32 The Lawyer Now Enters the Story
And he doesn't have the story straight either. I guess "Eve Desmond" is the name they were using before. "Eve" is their "Alex Smith" hahaha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Hon Barr. Chioma Nwabunma Chamber barr.chiomachamber@lawyer.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 7:10:29 AM
Subject: ADD YOUR PHONE NUMBERS TOO FOR BETTER COMMUNICATION
SIR,
SEQUEL TO YOUR MAIL WHICH WE RECEIVED TODAY IN MY NOBLE LAW-FIRM ON HOW TO GET A LETTER OF AFFIDAVIT AND PREPARE A POWER OF ATTORNEY IN YOUR NAME FOR YOU TO STAND ON BEHALF OF YOUR PARTNER MISS EVE DESMOND AND TRANSFER SOME MONEY FROM ROYAL BANK OF SCOTALAND TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

MY NOBLE LAW FIRM WISH TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT BEFORE WE CAN PROCEED WITH THIS SERVICES WE WILL WANT YOU TO FORWARD TO THIS LAW FIRM IMMEDIATELY YOUR FULL CONTACT DETAILS (YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AS YOU WANT IT TO APPEAR ON THE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THE AFFIDAVIT OF OATH ).

SO THAT FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING, I WILL GO TO THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT HERE TO ASCERTAIN THE COSTS OF THE AUTHENTICATION OF THE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND THE AFFIDAVIT OF OATH BEFORE IT BECOMES VALID FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE MONEY TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

AFTER WHICH MY LAW-FIRM WILL CONTACT YOU BACK WITH THE REQUIRED COSTS BEFORE ACCEPTING TO RENDER THE REQUIRED LEGAL SERVICES.

ADD YOUR PHONE NUMBERS TOO FOR BETTER COMMUNICATION
THANKS
YOURS IN SERVICE,
BAR. CHIOMA NWABUNMA (ESQ)
PRINCIPAL PARTNER
Phone: +226 72 95 44 55

#33 Gunther and the Lawyer
Alright, let's get it on.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: barr.chiomachamber@lawyer.com
Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 9:09:35 AM
Subject: Re: ADD YOUR PHONE NUMBERS TOO FOR BETTER COMMUNICATION

Dear Honorable Knighted Sir Barrister Chiapet Nwabunmamabobama,
Prequel to your mail which I have received and acknowledged in my noble testicles, herewith forewithall nowstanding are the informations and statistical analseas that you are requesting forewithall.

Name: The Honorable Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and his Genitical Crotcheral Region
Address: 15770 West Opalaca Drive, San Simeon, California 92453
Phone: +011-44-6542-90-323-7638
Thank you for your dilligence in these matters of alien sedition and repudiation.
Gunther

#34 Gunther and Joy, the end?
Can these two crazy kids make it in this topsy turvy world? For the ever lovin' stuffin' life of me, answer the freakin' question!!
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Joy Desmond joydesmond489@yahoo.fr
Sent: Wed, July 6, 2011 9:05:14 AM
Subject: Re: i am here for you my darling.

Hello Darling Little Beloved Poopsicle,
I am under the distinct impression that you are finding naughty relations under Reverand Samuel's robes with greater frequency than monkeys fling poop while on video. Our divorce is now final, if our marriage was ever valid. You will not tell me what is your favorite movie, so I shall now close my heart off to you like the great wall of China shut out the Mongols and invading alien forces of the planet Bebulonianous. My friend Father Merrin has returned from Georgetown a changed man and is now telling me it is time for me to say hello to your mother for me. Dimi, why do you do this to me? Dimi? Chimmichanga! Hacienda! Speedy Gonzalez! I dream at night. They mostly come out at night, mostly. I'll be back. Keep your pantyhose on. Anybody not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day. Get it? I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. Yeah, right man, Bishop should go, good idea.

I have contacted the lawyer and will take your money, but I am not sure you should come to me now. Because you are not answering my questions you can stay in that refugee camp with Reverand Samuel. I called the number and a man answered the phone. I asked if he did anything to you and he said. "That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got sense enough to disregard its own feces." Which makes me wonder why don't you disregard your own feces? I am thinking this is an impasse we are at, and now is the time for you to scramble around with your friends in an 80s music montage while transforming yourself into the kind of girl that you hated at the beginning of the movie, but now realize was always inside you and what I saw in you at first, which made us fall in love, to win me back so that we run to each other in slow motion while it rains the equivalent of a hurricane gail on us and yet no one seems to think it odd that such a torrential downpour the kind of which also appear in apocolyptic movies is now drenching us as we embrace and kiss.
Yours no longer until you tell me what is your favorite movie,
Gunther

Alas, there will be no Hollywood ending for Gunther and Joy. Their tumultuous love affair could not withstand the horrors of that refugee camp and the salacious gaze of the Reverend Samuel Jackson. Joy has disappeared from Gunther's life and not even his elite cadre of ex-special ops soldiers can hunt her down. And so Gunther pops his collar, pulls his jacket closer to his cold body, sticks one hand into his jean pockets, sticks the other one out at passing cars, his thumb raised up, and slowly walks away from camera along that long, lonely highway, trying to hitch a ride while a lonely piano plays soulful notes...

Thanks again for reading!
http://www.kamphotography.info/

Gunther Schvwardson versus Colonel Gadaffi's Brother

2011-07-07T05:58:00.000-07:00

My artistic rendition of Gaddafi and his brother.

Gadaffi's Brother.
Yes, you read that title right, and this time it's not me making up a fictitious connection, this guy actually says he's Gaddaffi's Brother! Booyah! And a shout out to my friend's Ayesha and Omar (check his poetry out HERE) who actually forwarded me this scam to reply to. That's right, Gunther's vigilantism is getting noticed. I'll soon need a Gunther Signal to throw up on the night sky for when people need help with Nigerian Scammers.
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: "Ahmed Yusuf Ghadaffi"
Sent: Sunday, May 22, 2011 9:28:45 PM
Subject: Assalam o Alaikum

Assalam,
With a heart of grief and pain I sincerely come to plead with you to comply with me and grant me audience in my present circumstance. I am Ahmed Yusuf Ghadaffi a junior brother to the President of Libya Muammar Al-Ghadaffi, Right now I am running for my dear life in another African Country Ghana.

I need your assistance in transferring the sum of US$5.000.000 Million United State Dollars into your account with immediate effect this funds is deposited in Bank of Africa in Ghana the sharing ration will be 60% for me and 40% for you once you make this transfer a success, please I need your cooperation to get this funds into your account for security purpose in respect to my family present condition in Libya.

Please forward to me your vital details in other for us to conclude this transaction with immediate effect and the sum into your Bank account in your Country so that I can be able to escape and meet with you once this fund get’s into your account for security purpose.

I wait for your immediate response once you received this email. Because my brother has lost his power and I fear for my dear life I have every document to back up this transaction to make it a huge success.
Allah - Hafiz
Ahmed Yusuf Ghadaffi

Gunther hides his disdain behind a very thin veil.
I do believe recognizing sarcasm is not a strong suit of Nigerian Scammers.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: ahmed-yusuf-ghadaffi@hotmail.com
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 8:03:36 PM
Subject: Re: Assalam o Alaikum

Dear Your Highness Ghadaffi Sir Knighted by Your Father's Royal Edicked,
Down with the imperialist pigs!! Lasagna soy lecithin babbaganoush! Thank you for emailing me and making me a member of your esteemed brotherhood of douchery. Here is my vital information.

My name is Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and I am a retired 78 year old former Marine Corp Colonel in the Royal Latverian Armed Forces. I have fought many battles and am ready to retire from my animal husbandry business. Please send me more information on how I might better help you.

Your friend in arms and brother in dimethicone. I pray to God that I may help you and may God's blessing shower on you in a golden spray on the upturned face of a nubile glaucoma President Muammar Al-Shagaffi.
Gunther

Gadaffi and his 'brother' are as Muslim as Himmler and Rommel were Christian.
Although this douche got the greeting right this time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Ahmed yusuf Ghadaffi ahmedyusufghadaffi01@yahoo.ca
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Sat, June 25, 2011 3:52:28 AM
Subject: Assalam o Alaikum

Dear Gunther Alexander,
Assalam o Alaikum,
Thank you for your urgent reply to my email, please I will be very grateful to you in your assistance in helping me in this our moment of war, trails, frustrations and pains from the hands of the wicked westerner mainly the american government whom wants to reap where they do not sow all because of our oil, Allah will visit them one by one. As my family and country is in pain right now and under pressure Almighty Allah will also cause them pains and sorry as they have caused my family because of this war and situation of things right now for me and my family I cannot do anything because all eyes are on us, so I beg you in the name of Almighty Allah to help me and Allah will bless you.

Brother for the sake of security reason in this transaction I will enclose my Diplomatic Saudi Arabia passport in this email, and the deposit certificate will also be attached in this email, I plead with you in the name of Almighty Allah to please do not expose my passport to anyone because am running for safety presently in a local hotel in Ghana but nobody from Libya and my family knows this so right now I can only reach out through email as am using the one in the Hotel that am staying for my own good and security and I cannot move out freely all because of this same situation.

Please my condition is very bad right now because I am having sleepless night what will happen next to my family in Libya I don't know I pray may Almighty Allah protect them As I do Zikir all the time and leave all others to Allah and I have to trust only you concerning this very funds for security reason and safety of my life here in Ghana.I have the trust that you are very honest person and a true brother in Islam, but I will like you to meet me and know the kind of person that you have come in contact once this funds are transferred into your account successfully, I will make you rich am not a poor man but the wicked american has made my condition worst at this time because I cannot do anything because my life is in danger right now.I know that my funds will be very secure with you once the bank make the transfer as I will instructed them to transfer the funds into your account as my beneficiary.

I will urge you to do everything in your power in making sure that this funds is transferred with immediate effect into your bank account so that I can come over to your country and settled down with you as my own brother in Islam. I know that Allah will reward you in helping me in this moment of pain and grief that the wicked American has caused my country and especially my family.

In this regards please send across to me your contact direct number and every other details like your copy passport or ID card that are necessary in making you the beneficiary to this funds because I will send them to the Bank and ask them to transfer the funds to you as the beneficiary for security purpose and safety. As I am at alert and vigilant and must not move out anyhow even the bank officers those not know that I'm presently in Ghana as I fear for my life but Almighty Allah will protect me. Please handle this transaction as one brother in Islam.

Waiting for your urgent response once you receive this reply. I believe you as my faithful Muslim brother Almighty Allah will bless you for your help to me at this point in time.
Allah -Hafiz
Ahmed Yusuf Ghadaffi


Looks official to me! He misspells his own name. I do that. What the hell is the correct spelling of Ga/Gha/Kadaffi?

Such a wonderfully casual passport photo. Almost like someone just did a Google image search and pasted that photo onto a fake passport. Who would do such a thing? I do like the Diplomatic Passport stamp though, I'll have to steal that idea.

That's not a fake passport, THIS is a fake passport.

--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Ahmed yusuf Ghadaffi ahmedyusufghadaffi01@yahoo.ca
Sent: Thu, June 30, 2011 9:23:36 AM
Subject: Re: Assalam o Alaikum

My Dear Brother from another Brother,
A slums a cumulus to you as well. Please to forgive me for the delayed reply, I are been very busy fighting the imperialist monsters from the sea that rise like Gojira to destroy me. But I are read your email and it is well understood. I have seen your passport and I do believe you are a wonderful man and douche of the highest order. Please find my Royal Latverian passport attached here as well. Sage thyme peppermint.
Please make me the beneficiary of this fund and here is my information again.
Name: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Address: San Simeon, California 92435
Passport: Attached
I have not told anyone but my two best friends Timothy Olyphant and Luis Guzman about this dangerous endeavor, so that they might assist me in saving you from your own douchebaggery. I hope you will also pay Timothy Olyphant and Luis Guzman some money for Timothy Olyphant and Luis Guzman's help because Timothy Olyphant and Luis Guzman are doing much work and helping me in my time of need and desperation. Penne a la vodka.
Please to tell me how to proceed next. I am your one brother in babbaganoush.
May Allah send a pestilence of tiny gnats into your fish hole to give you the blessings of their children birthed inside for thirty four months.
Gunther

All official and all. That's Admiral Yamamoto by the way. Check out that dual citizenship passport of Belgique and the Royal Republic of Latveria. And check out that Serial Number from Quagmire.

The Colonel's brother is gone! That fast? Raspberries!! I guess he didn't want to pay Timothy Olyphant or Luis Guzman for the additional help. Their agents will be dissapointed in those lost commisions I'm sure. I do have to say though, "Gunther" sounds like he'd look like Nimitz way more than he does Yamamoto. Although it would be kind of histerical if you were to meet a guy who looked like Yamamoto but named Gunther Schvwardson.

More shenanigans coming soon!
(Gunther Schvwardson's Epic Love Story is still in development!)
Thanks for reading!
Kamran Khan
http://www.kamphotography.info/

Gunther Schvwardson versus Spiderman's Cousin

2011-06-29T05:24:00.000-07:00

An actually relevant photo based on the title! Go figure!

Peter Parker kept all the good genes from the Parker family. Even the radiated ones. Little known fact is Uncle Ben and Aunt May had a son. They named him Mark H. Parker. He moved to Nigeria. He became a scammer. He wears glasses. He has a salt and pepper beard. He is a douche.

#1 Peter Parker's Cousin keeps it Short.
Thankfully. No frills, just that old story, the United Nations is sending everyone One Million Pounds because they're cool like that.
----------------------------------
From: info@moneygram.com
Subject: Your Money Gram Reference No : 82474426 is available to pick up
Date: Sun, 12 Jun 2011 18:39:10 +0100
To:
Attn: Recipient,
We write to inform you that your funds of ?1,000,000.00 have been sent to you through Money gram by the BARR. MARK H.PARKER. We have been calling your telephone number to give you your Money gram information to pick up your funds in any Money gram Office as soon as possible.
Your Money Gram Reference No : 82474426 is available to pick up in any Money gram Office in your Country,You will send us your full Name,your address,your Country name so that we can be able to send your full information to you on how to collect your funds in any money gram office. contact our email address: internationtransfdpt1@helixnet.cn
We are waiting for urgent reply.
+447466690318
Yours faithfully,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
CHAMBERS LONDON

#2 Gunther begins the preliminaries.
Gunther sets the mood early.
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: internationtransfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Mon, June 13, 2011 12:58:34 PM
Subject: Re: Your Money Gram Reference No : 82474426 is available to pick up
Dear Barrister Mark H. Parker,
I are wanting my moneys! Here are my informationale pantaloons! What time do you make postulations in the early time for granular sugar.
Full name: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
My Address: San Simeon, California 92435
Country: United States of America
May God bless you, Mark H. Parker and your cousin Peter.
-Gunther

#3 Mark H. Parker lays out the Scam.
Verbose mofo. Edited down because it's your basic, boring scammer crap.
-----------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom
To:
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 6:24:35 AM
Subject: ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Please be informed that the funds £1,000,000.00 are coming directly from the European Union . It is a Compensation from the United Nation to support individuals financially due to the global and financial economic meltdown. Your email address was selected globally as one of the beneficiaries this year and we are only to pay beneficiaries once they meet their financial obligations. Because you did not pick up the funds on time we decided to pull back the funds on hold until you were notified about the payment sent to you .
(....edited...)
Below is the information you will use to send us the fee of ($250) Via western union to our account officer .
Receivers name_____ Beverly Hill
Receivers Address_____ Address: 24 Grosvenor Square London, W1A 2LQ United Kingdom
(...edited...)
BE ADVISED ACCORDINGLY.
WE NEED YOUR URGENT REPLY.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
TELEPHONE +447466690318
CHAMBERS LONDON

#4 Gunther Lays out the Bait.
Wascally wabbit. His mind is in a constant battle between his higher education and the gibberish that lurks in the darkest corners of his subconscious.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 8:29:02 AM
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

Dear Mr. Mark H. Parker,
How is your cousin Peter doing? I hope he has recovered from that spider bite and is finding nocturnal fortitude. Luis Guzman!
I did gone to the Western Union Money Transer Agent which very far from me!! Very far! I travel far!! Away! I made payment of $250.00 and please find receipt scanned and attached to this email with MTCN number and question and answer and all informations on it. Luis Guzman! Send me my money! I want &1,000,000.00!!
Mr. Parker, I do business with people I to see with my eyes. Please send me your photograph so I do know who you are and what you are looking like. How do you like London? SEND ME PHOTO! Is it like they show in movies? Do you know Clay, Bill Clay? He's a British friend of mine that pretends to be American even though he's actually German.
SEND ME PHOTO! Luis Guzman!!!
May God's free kick sail like the Orinoco Flow into the net of your heart.
Gunther

#5 Gunther Sends the Receipt
Peter Parker's cousin is playing hardball! Will toss another line out there and let's see what he's willing to put up with!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtransfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Thu, June 16, 2011 3:32:26 PM
Subject: Re: ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Dear Mr. Parker,
Please acknowledge receipt. I have attached the Western Union receipt with all information to it herewith for $250.00.
Please say hello to your cousin Peter for me. And to your mother.
I also am still waiting for your picture. You are being very rude to me. I thought the British were supposed to be very friendly. If this is the case, I will go with the Bank of Africa which is promising me more money and are being polite to me. If you do not acknowledge receipt of the $250 I will cancel the transaction and take my money elsewhere, since you do not seem to care for it.
Luis Guzman! Chimmichanga! Hacienda rotunda tortuga pineapple bologna!
May God strike you down for being rude to me.
-Gunther

Actual size. Booyah!

#6 Peter Parker's Cousin Doesn't Like The Tables Turned!
For some odd reason, I have the distinct impression that he's not really British.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 9:54:14 AM
Subject: Re: Very Urgent‏
ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

I have read your email and the content is well noted and understood, we would be sending you a scanned passport but you have to send the following information now as we are having difficulties in opening the western union slip.

below is the information you need to send now.
Receiver's Name:
Receiver's location:
MTCN:
Sender's Location:
sender's Name:
WE AWAIT YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
TELEPHONE +447466690318
CHAMBERS LONDON

#7 Mark Parker Caves in!
Yes! I got the passport!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 10:19:59 AM
Subject: My passport.
You are to send the below information to me now.
Receiver's Name:
Receiver's location:
MTCN:
Sender's Location:
sender's Name:
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
TELEPHONE +447466690318
CHAMBERS LONDON

Seriously? It expired 2 years ago! And that signature? Really? Really?? "Mungam"? Looks like he stuck a pen up a monkey's butt and then tried to make out with him.

#8 Gunther pulls back the carrot!
Check out the Cancelled transaction information. Hahahahahaha.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 4:34:07 PM
Subject: Re: My passport
Dear Mr. Parker,
Thank you for finally sending your passport photograph. Unfortunately you took too long to send it so I had to cancel the transaction which I have attached here. I will be going to Western Union and making a new receipt for $250.00.
Please do not delay in replying to me in the future or I will cancel the receipt and send my money to the Union Bank who is not delaying in contacting me. Please answer the following questions immediately and I will attach the proper receipt from Western Union once I go there this evening.
1. Are you married?
2. Do you have pictures of your home or office?
3. Do you have pictures of your wife? I want to see her.
4. What is your favorite animal?
5. Is Spielberg the greatest director that ever lived?

If you do not answer these questions, I will take my money to the Union Bank.
Wish you nothing but the worst,
Gunther

Western Union has some intrusive identification process. They must have gone to the same school as the TSA.

#9 He Gets Pissed!
These are the kinds of responses we live for. That touch of irritation seeping through. Wunderbar!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 4:47:47 PM
Subject: RE: My passport.
ATTENTION: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
I was married but got divorced and I dont think I like all this questions from you, I dont know if you are really serius in this transaction as i thought.
Please do that which are needfull.
WE AWAIT YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
TELEPHONE +447466690318
CHAMBERS LONDON

#10 Gunther is to be obeyed!
Gunther's anger and gibberish are tied together. Kind of like the Hulk.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Mon, June 20, 2011 4:53:54 PM
Subject: Re: My passport.

If you don't like this questions from me, then I don't like your chimmichanga hacienda poquito mammacita babbaganoush.

The Union Bank of Nigeria is answering my questions, so I will send my Western Union payment of $250.00 to them instead of you because you are not trustworthy and the Union Bank is trustworthy. Luis Guzman!!

You are not serious person at all. You are serious hamster potato dookie.
If you do not either answer my question or apologize to me then you lose my money. YOU do that which is need full.
Gunther

#11 Mr. Parker is NOT Amused.
But I sure am! Finally someone calls Gunther out on the rediculous gibberish!
----------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom
To:
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 4:14:45 AM
Subject: Re: urgent.
top of the day to you and your family, I can see that you do not want to receive your money as I do not know the kind of idiotic languages you speak to me, are you an american? Because people call the americans stupid people for speaking rough english, you told me to send you my picture and I sent you my International passport instead but you are still proving stubborn but I see no reason for you to be acting like that, and as you can see I am very busy man as I have many clients to attend to if you don't mind.
You really have to trust me on this as I do not think we have much time to be playing gimmicks, you must resend the money today with my own personal information to avoid any further hitch or for you not to loose your fund, comply accordingly and everything will go well for both of us.
This is the information for you to use in sending the money today.

Receiver's Name: Mark Parker
Receiver's Location: London, United Kingdom

Once the payment is made you should send to us the complete information on the slip as per the following information.

Sender's Full Name: ?
Sender's Location: ?
MTCN: ?

Once this information is received you would receive your money as I do not believe that a man of your kind will be acting like this.

Best regards,
BARRISTERS MARK H.PARKER
CHAMBERS LONDON

#12 You know the old saying about Latverians and threats...

Much props to Mark H. Parker for calling out Gunther on the gibberish, but you shouldn't have made it about America, Mr. Parker. You are not prepared.
--------------------------------

From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 9:07:21 AM
Subject: Re: urgent

Dear Mr. Mark H. Parker
Top 'o the morning to you, my ignoramus Limey puta. I can see that YOU do not want MY money. Is this how you treat your customers, by insulting them? You gargantuan potato dookie. What language do you read? It's obviously not English, because you would have read that I am from Latveria, not America, and I still speak and write better English than you will ever be able to comprehend. But I guess they don't teach reading in England like they used to, before the Americans kicked your buttockeroos back across the Atlantic and then saved those buttockeroos from getting kicked again, you twit. Don't take any wooden nickles.

You must apologize to me or I will cancel the following Western Union transaction I have attached herewithall. By the way, you jazz handed douche, it's spelled "serious" not "serius" and there was Spanish in my last email, but I wouldn't expect an English muffin to know another language, let alone be able to comprehend the flow that I'm throwing down. This is a multimillion dollar transaction and yes, I will be stubborn to protect myself. You must not be like your cousin Peter at all, he is a very brave boy and understands great responsibility, unlike you, who does not understand chimmichanga. Luis Guzman!

You must not be trustworthy since you can not answer my questions. The Union Bank of Nigeria is trustworthy because they did answer my questions and they received my Western Union payment and are processing my paperwork as we speak. By the way, I use "speak" in the metaphoric sense here, in case you actually thought your fecal ears could be graced by the nocturnal hymns of angels that my voice represents. I got her number. How do you like them, apples?
Answer this one question immediately and apologize to me.
Question: What is your favorite movie?
This is information for you to use to stop being a short-shorts wearing, fruit-rollup sucking, body-lotion drinking, left-foot walking douche .
May God send termites into your crotcheral region to hibernate and propagate with joyful abandon.
Gunther

You'll need your glasses for this one, ya four eyed douche.

#13 Parker Waves the white flag!
Ha! That surrender didn't take long!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 2:52:46 PM
Subject: RE: urgent

what was your question sir, lets stop all this insult.

#14 Gunther Presses the Offensive.
And I do mean offensive.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 3:04:04 PM
Subject: Re: urgent

Dear Mr Parker,
Ah, so now who has trouble reading English? I'll stop the insulting when you apologize to me, you microscopic Bulgarian nerfherder. Since I did not receive my apology, I did cancel the Western Union transaction as promised, you Studio Ghibli villain. I will only send you the money of $500.00 upon receipt of your apology to me as I have outlined. But since I know you have the reading comprehension skills of a soft shelled crab from Tortuga that lost a bet to Viennese waltzer with two left feet, I shall outline it again.
Question: What is your favorite movie?
Apology: You must say you apologize to me, by my full name, for any insult to me and my family, that you and your family have perpetrated against me and my family, from the past history of the world.

I am a 74 year old retired Latverian soldier and demand respect.
Please do not delay this transaction with your foolishness. Luis Guzman!!
Gunther

As fast as that was cancelled it was still slower than Fox cancelling Firefly!

#15 Mr. Parker's First Apology.
Maybe it's just me, but I find it downright hysterical to get apologies from Nigerian Scammers. Here is the first of hopefully many!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Wed, June 22, 2011 3:15:14 PM
Subject: RE: urgent

Hello sir,
I did receive your email and the content was well noted and understood, I hereby acknowledge the receipt of your email and also apologize for my incompetent behavior by not answering your question. Please you must understand that I am really very sorry for the insults I have ;laid on you.

So Mr. Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson I am really very sorry.

Please get back to me with the complete WU information.
regards,
Barr. Mark Parker.

#16 Gunther Keeps The Guns Blasting!
It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose. Seriously, how hard instructions are those to follow?
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Thu, June 23, 2011 9:31:15 AM
Subject: Re: urgent

Dear Mister Barrister Mark Parker,
Thank you for your kind apology. I do believe we have nearly righted this ship, you used cannister of chapstick. To make things right as rain, however, you still need to answer my question which you have been dodging like Neo dodges bullets. So please answer the question, What is your favorite movie? and I shall know you are trustworthy and take my ancient, 75 year old tuchus to Western Union to make payment and send you the receipt. Luis Guzman.

May God finally shine a light onto the darkness of your soul, if only for the briefest of moments, repeatedly, unless you are epileptic, which then that stroboscopic effect would then send you into a seizure, when it was only meant to shine a light onto the darkness of your soul, if only for the briefest of moments.
Gunther

#17 You are not prepared for this answer.
Seriously, I did not see this coming. Neither did Gunther.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Thu, June 23, 2011 3:45:28 PM
Subject: RE: urgent

sir, my favorite movie is save the last dance.

#18 Gunther is nearly speechless.
And Gunther completely butchered the address that he gave from before, I guess that wasn't a real address, oh the shocker.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Thu, June 23, 2011 4:53:17 PM
Subject: Re: urgent

wow, really? seriously? Save the Last Dance? I have to say, I was not expecting that. Especially from an Englishman. Well, such as that choice may be, I am to be a man of my word, and I will be heading to Western Union tonight to make the payment arrangements and send you the receipt tomorrow. I shall make it to Beverly Hill of 25 Grosvernor Square, W2A ILQ United Kingdom, correct? Hamachi Toro yellow tail tiger roll banzai mamacita chimmichanga mexican taco Luis Guzman!
Gunther

#19 Mark Stands by his horrible movie choice.
No offense to Save the Last Dance, not that it's a horrible movie or anything, hell I haven't even seen it, but who picks Save the Last Dance over... Godfather? Shawshank? Casablanca? Aliens? Blade Runner? Ace Ventura? Hell, even Titanic? Literally hundreds of other movies? Apparently Nigerian Scammers do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 2:14:00 AM
Subject: RE:

Yes sir, I will be waiting for the payment information from you today, do have a nice day and God bless you.
Mark

#20 A Headache Inducing Receipt
I really want to explore this Save the Last Dance angle...
----------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 10:26:47 AM
Subject: Re:

Dear Mister Barrister Mark H. Parker,
I have gone to the Western Union and made payment of $500.00 and attached the receipt with all the information you are requesting.
Who is your favorite character in Save the Last Dance?
I have not seen this movie yet and will watch it this weekend. I would like to discuss this movie with you.
Gunther

I blurred this specifically to induce a headache if you try and make out what it says. Hahahahaha.

#21 Mark Parker had some eye strain!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 1:59:26 PM
Subject: very important update

hello sir, top of the day to you and your family, I have seen the attached WU information but I am having difficulties viewing the file so please try and copy out the following information's out from the slip.
Receiver's Name:
Receiver's Location:
MTCN:
Sanders's Name:
Senders Location:
I will be waiting for your prompt response.
Best regards,
Barr. Mark Parker.

#22 Don't Not Answer a question from Gunther and not expect him to change reality.
It's a given. I included his "original" email below mine... hahahahahahaha.
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 3:15:58 PM
Subject: Re: very important update

What? Why are you calling me a dumb dumb stupid poopie face and saying my family is dumb?? Look at what you wrote below! Look! See what you wrote! How dare you!? I thought we were finished with the insults, but I see you have not learned your lesson and are still rude enough to call me such names! I DEMAND AN APOLOGY FOR THIS RUDE BEHAVIOR!

You must apologize for calling me a dumb dumb stupid poopie face and for calling my family dumb!

I am more than happy to scan in the receipt again and send you a clear image but ONLY if you are prepared to treat me with respect and not say such rude things to me. Luis Guzman!

And you still did not say who is your favorite character in your favorite movie, Save the Last Dance. I will be away this weekend watching this movie and I will look forward to your apology and answer when I return with the new Western Union Receipt and MTCN number and information.
Please understand well the gravity of the event horizon.
Gunther
----------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom
To:
Sent: Fri, June 24, 2011 1:59:26 PM
Subject: very important update
hello sir, top of the day you dumb dumb stupid poopie face and your dumb family, I have seen the attached WU information but I am having difficulties viewing the file so please try and copy out the following information's out from the slip.
(...edited...)

#23 The Gold Standard
My favorite response from a Nigerian Scammer to date. And, I hate to admit it, but I am totally stealing that last insult.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
To:
Sent: Sat, June 25, 2011 1:45:58 AM
Subject: RE: very important update

you are a stupid, man foolish man. do not ever email me again you junk head.

#24 Gunther Uses Restraint
All part of the battle plan. Can I squeeze one more response out of them?
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: MoneyGram Transfer United Kingdom internationtrensfdpt1@helixnet.cn
Sent: Mon, June 27, 2011 8:43:41 AM
Subject: Re: very important update

Dear Mr. Barrister Mark H. Parker,
No sir, au contraire, please see the attached, cancelled Western Union receipt for $500.00 that you could have received, had you treated your customer with the kindness and dignity that I deserve. I am a 75 year old man. You are a young man and you should respect your elders. You would do well to learn from the Union Bank of Nigeria. They have treated me with respect and are just not completing a $10 million dollar transaction in my name after processing the $250.00 that I sent them through Western Union.
Learn from your mistake young man, I was going to send you an additional $500.00 after the paperwork was processed for your good deed, instead, you are receiving only my disdain and stanky pantaloons.
Gunther

I figured a big red X is more personal than those "Cancelled" ones. And the most 'realistic' one yet, to let him know what he missed out on. Then again, looking at those signatures, "realistic" is a relative term.

Alas, I could not entice another response out of Mark H. Parker. Exelsior! We have come to the end of another chapter in Gunther's war with Nigerian Scammers. Alas, Peter Parker's evil cousin has run away, scared of confronting Gunther and his powerful gibberish. That junk head.

Gunther Schvwardson returns in "Gunther Schvwardson's Epic Love Story"

Gunther Schvwardson Returns!

2011-06-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Gunther likes to make a splash!

He's back! Gunther, that crazy Latverian, returns! I've missed him, I must say.

#1 Plane Crash Shenanigans
(That's a tongue twister! Try saying that 10 time fast!)You know the drill. Douchebag flies in a plane. Dies. No relative. Make 25 million. Done! Shrunk this first email because it's pretty freakin' boring. I don't have high hopes for their creativity. This Mohamed Hazan is no Donald Klen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mr Mohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan12@gmail.com
Sent: Mon, June 13, 2011 9:47:26 AM
Subject: From Mr Mohammed hazan
From Mr Mohammed hazan

Dear Good Friend,
How are you together with your family members? I think all is well. Despite the fact that I did not know you in person or have i seen you before but due to the reliable revelation,I decided to share this lucrative opportunity with you, I have no other choice, so kindly consider this message as vital, believing tahat sooner or later we will be multi millonaires,First and foremost, I have to introduce myself to you.
I am MR.MOHAMMED HAZAN, THE FOREIGN OPERATIONS MANAGER OF OUR BANK here in my country, BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA. I am married with two children.I want you to assist me in other to transfer the sum of TWENTYT FIVE, FIVE Million United States Currency ($25.500,000.00) into your reliable account as the Next of Kin to our Foreign Business partner , the original owner of the fund.
He was a foreigner and a multi company holder who died in a plane crash with his family years ago, he deposited the fund in our bank for his business expansion in Africa unfortunately he met this sudden and untimely death and the worst thing that happened was the wife who suppose to be the successor of the account died alongside with him.
Since the deceased left no body behind to claim the fund, as a foreigner, you are in better position for that, and no body will come for the claim after you have applied.If you are ready to assist me, set up a new bank account or forward to me any one avialable so that the process will commence.
I will guide you on how you should apply for the claim so that everything will be smooth and correct. After the transfer, i will resign and come over to your country for the sharing of the fund 50/50 base on the fact that it is two man business.
Finally, note that you are not taking any risk because there will be a legal back up as we commence. Further information will be given to you as soon as I receive.
Fill this information
Your Full Names...............................
Phone Number .................................
Age...........................................
Occupation....................................
Country ......................................
Your reply.Sincerely,
MR.MOHAMMED HAZAN.
+226 7564 2560

#2 Gunther Dives In!

Gunther has gone to school in the meantime and corrected his grammar. For now. The gibberish?Well, that's not so easily cured.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mr Mohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan13@gmail.com
Sent: Mon, June 13, 2011 12:55:25 PM
Subject: Re: From Mr Mohammed hazan
Dear Mr. Mohammed Hazan,
Please pass my condolences in the form of a swift punch to the crotcheral region to your foreign business partner. Mugumbo biblotecha Jorge Posada. I hope the body of the deceased has been guided by Anubis into the depths of hell with a kind hand and pointy katana blade dripping with molasses used in the finest barbeque pits in Memphis.
I am curious how you will guide me as the Lord our God is my guide. Mexican taco Luis Guzman! But I would like money in my pockets, so here is my information as you requested:
My Full Name: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Phone Number: 011-465-4492-98672
Age: 68
Occupation: Retired Brigadier General of Latverian Royal Air Force
Country: United States of America
Thank you and may God's vornado send winds of change into your bouffant.
-Gunther
.

#3 Huzzah for Hazan

C'mon man. Give me something to work with! Another rote email.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, June 13, 2011 1:39:56 PM
Subject: THE DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION PLEASE CALL ME +226 7588 6505
Dear Friend
ASSALM-O-ALAIKUM
Thank you for your response to my appeal for your noble assistance. Also I appreciate your maturity in keeping this transaction as top secret and confidential.
Nonetheless, I wish to assure you that this transaction is highly rewarding and risk-free. You don't have anything to worry about in this transaction because I have been working with this bank for many years and I know all its internal secrets very well. I also have the full conviction that you will neither betray nor disappoint me once this money is transferred into your bank account.
The name of the deceased customer is Dr. George Brumley; he is an American, a physician and industrialist. He met his sudden death in plane crash that took place in Kenya in 2003. On hearing of his death, the bank board of directors set up a three
(...edited out boring crap...)
I will forward to you the application form which you will send to the bank I hope to hear from you soonest.
Thanks and best regards.
Mr Mohammed hazan
My private telephone number
+226 7588 6505
.

#4 Gunther Gets Aggressive

I want to accelerate things here. I hope he pisses off Gunther, I really do. And I changed Gunther's age and occupation, not that they're paying attention or anything. Amateurs.

-----------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mrmohamed Hazan
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 12:03:43 AM
Subject: Re: THE DETAILS OF THE TRANSACTION PLEASE CALL ME +226 7588 6505

Dear Friendo,
A salami oh lake queue to you as well. Was Dr. George Brumley a good man or was he a jazz handed douche? Were his children funny looking? Was his wife hot? Was she ugly? Did she make innappropriate flatulence at dinner parties? Do you have a wife? Is she like a hamster eating a carrot? Do you have any daughters? Are they ugly? Do they look like you? Do I have to look like Dr. Brumley to pose as his relative? I am not sure what he looks like. What do you look like.
Please send me a picture. I want your picture. You must send me a picture or my head will explode.
Monkey banana mango google mexican taco.
Here is the information you requested. I already sent most of this information in my previous message. Did you not read my previous message? Hop fornicating beluga krill whale truncating bicycle.
My number: 011-764-0119-29374
My age: 69
My Occupation: Retired Lord of the Sith
My sex: Very large
Full Residential Address: 9070 Castillo Drive, San Simeon, California 92452
Complete name: Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Copy of Photo attached.

YOU MUST SEND YOUR PICTURE.

May God's flyswatter sting your cheek.
-Gunther

I know... I know... just so wrong. Yes, that's Rommell. But if we can't poke fun of Nazi's who are burning in hell then who's left to poke fun at? Oh yeah, him. Yes, he'll be next.

#5 Hazan brings in a New Character!
Ok, that's better, now we're starting to get somewhere. We have a new bank to contact, a picture and passport of Mr. Hazan! Huzzah! And this douche still can't spell "Assalamu alaikum". Granted it's a phonetic representation of the Arabic so the spelling is an inexact science, but he's an idiot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 9:53:28 AM
Subject: FILL THE APPLICATION LATER BELOW AND SEND IT TO OUR BANK AND CALL ME
Dear Friend
ASSALM-O-ALAIKUM,
You must use the bank email for apply for the claim of the fund.
Thanks for accepting to work with me in this mutually beneficial transaction. Just as I promised you in my last mail, the application format which you will fill and send to the bank with the bank's email address.
This is the first step we should take for the claim and after which we will know what next to do based on the nature of reply we get from the bank.
This is the application which you will fill and send to bank and call me immediately.
Please I want you to do this immediately and don't forget to call or email me as you send the application to enable me confirm the receipt of the application. And you try and send me one of the application for me to confirm.
Make sure you
Sincerely yours, as soon as you send the application to my back call me and i need your passport photo for more trust please.
Please open your attachment and see the application later fill it and send it to my bank for the calim of the fund and call me
Mr MOHAMED HAZAN
+226 75 64 25 60
..............................................................................................
FILL THE APPLICATION LATER BELOW AND SEND IT TO OUR BANK AND CALL ME
(...edited out boring application letter...)

Gunther's Himmler passport looks more real than this! His name isn't even the same! At least use a different picture!

#6 Gunther's a Curious little Latverian!
Let's get some information on this Hazan character.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 11:27:49 AM
Subject: Re: FILL THE APPLICATION LATER BELOW AND SEND IT TO OUR BANK AND CALL ME
Dear Friendo,
I will send the email below to the bank. Did you recieve my Western Union payment attachment? I sent you attachment for $250.00? Luis Guzman!!
I am attaching my passport photo here for more trust. Please to send me more information for more trust.
1. Are you married?
2. What is the name of your wife?
3. How many children do you have?
4. Do you have a pet?
5. How old are you?
6. Sex?
7. Home address
Thank you!
"May God bless me for making me rich and powerful and free from judgement and repercussions of any of my actions" - Dick Cheney's nightly prayer.
Gunther

Always a classic, the infamous Himmler Passport.

#7 Gunther Writes in to the Bank.
But if you expect Gunther to follow directions, well then sir, you have some warped expectations. This is the form that I edited out from above, I'm sure you can guess where I made changes to it. Gunther is no trained monkey. In point of fact, as you'll see below, he's a retired monkey trainer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: info@boa-service-mail.co.cc; ban_kofafricabf@hotmail.fr
Sent: Tue, June 14, 2011 11:38:55 AM
Subject: APPLICATION LATER FOR DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY'S MONEY! IT'S MINE!!
TO: Dr Sule Ahmed
The Foreign Remittance Director,
Bank Of Africa (BOA),
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
Bank Email:
info@boa-service-mail.co.cc
ban_kofafricabf@hotmail.fr
Official letter claim
Sir Dr. Sulu,
I, Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson from the Monarchy of Latveria, now residing in the United States of America, the much extended by Biblical relations and secondary thoughts of things left unsaid to Late Dr. George Brumley who died with his entire family and crotcheral region through plane crash . After his funeral remembrance celebration with fireworks and laughter and fornication as our customs and traditions demands, i discovered that he have an unclaimed and balance account of US$25,500,000.00.( TWENTY FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) deposited in your bank when he was alive and not dead like your sense of compassion and so this money MUST be paid directly to me and only me and not to Timothy Olyphant or Luis Guzman.
.
Further, as his extended relative qualified and entitled to claim this balance as witnessed by God and Luis Guzman, i hereby wish to bring to your notice through this letter that i am eager to claim this above mentioned sum as his only existing next of kin to enable your bank release and transfer the balance account into my bank account on due formalities with compunction and without hacienda delay.
.
Upon your positive response to this letter of claim, i included an attachment with my bank account details necessary for the transfer of the fund. Therefore I expect that your bank management will pay an urgent attention to my request and communicate me further with the related forms and documents necessary for this claim without delay.
.
Contact Telephone Number 011-098-44-678-323-986739
Residential Address: 9070 Castillo Drive, San Simeon, California 92354
Occupation: Retired monkey trainer.
Sex: Weekly
Age: 74
Marital Status: Widowed, thanks for bringing it up.
Bank Name: See attached letter.
Account Number: See attached letter.
Account Swift Code: See attached letter.
.
I humbly do not apologize for this late request and you must comply due to i have been arranging other unspecialized things left behind since his sudden death occurred.
Yours Faithlessly,
My second best regards.
I will be waiting to hear from you.
Gunther

Frankly I was too lazy to make a new one. So recycled Gunther's old one.

#8 Another Board Meeting!
Little do they know the resolutions their Board members will have to pass to appease The Gunther!
--------------------------------------------------
From: BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO
To:
Sent: Wed, June 15, 2011 11:12:21 AM
Subject: BANK OF AFRICA / Official notification of your application
Beneficiary Axxi-Application-2011,
BOA/0011/FMFM-ECD/11.
15/06/2011
Dear Customer ,
Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
Subjects:(1) Official notification of your application
(11) Keep to the Rules And Regulations of
his bank
In conformity with our policy on claims you are Adviced to keep to the rules and regulations of this bank so that your late relative's fund will be transferred into your nominated bank account successfully after all our investigations and verifications.
The board of directors and management of this bank is holding a meeting concerning your application and after the meeting we will get back to you with our conclusion , once again with respect to our deceased customer Dr. George Brumley, you are Adviced to follow the instructions of this bank to enable the management of this bank wire your inheritance fund into your designated bank account and you are advised to send us your complete name.
THANKS FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
Yours truly,
For: Bank Of Africa
Dr. SULE AHMED ,PhD Reconcilliation Governor
For: Bank Of Africa
Mrs Antoinette INGA-ZONDO
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

#9 Gunther checks in with the bank.
Gunther loves exchanging pics, that batty Latverian!
---------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO info@boa-service-mail.co.cc
Sent: Wed, June 15, 2011 3:27:52 PM
Subject: Re: BANK OF AFRICA / Official notification of your application
Hello Mrs. Antoinette Inga-Zonda,
How did the Board Meeting go? Did they pass the resolution? Did they take any pictures? I would like to see pictures of you or your bank if possible while wearing lingerie, it helps me stay peaceful at night and not experience nightmares about banks. I was once in a bank that was robbed by masked men that put us all in the same outfits and kept changing the rooms we were in. It was very scary. I didn't know who was who and who to trust. Like it was an inside man. I don't trust anyone much any more. They mostly come out at night. Mostly.
-Gunther

#10 Gunther checks in with Hazan!
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, June 15, 2011 3:31:11 PM
Subject: Re: FILL THE APPLICATION LATER BELOW AND SEND IT TO OUR BANK AND CALL ME

Dear Friendo,
A slam oh lake room to you as well. I did email the bank and am waiting for them to reply. Did the bank say anything to you? They said they are having a board meeting. I hope they approve the transaction. I could use the money since my wife died and I had to pay the legal bills of suing the police for killing her. That is what happens. Brevity gorgon humility blanka chiquita mon ami.
Please reply if you hear from the bank and I look forward to more pictures of your wife and mistress.
-Gunther

#11 Hazan dodges the questions.
Would be funny if he actually tried to call that ridiculous number I gave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Fri, June 17, 2011 8:14:01 AM
Subject: MY BANK ID AND INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT
Dear brother
How are you ? i have been try to here from and also calling your number since today , i send you my passport and also my bank ID for more trust.
Please open attachment.
Mr Mohammed
(...sent the same two photos again...)

#12 More fake documents!
Doesn't look like they put THAT much effort into making these look effective. Although, no offense to the actual picture holder, but he does look like he could be related to Gunther...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
From: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Fri, June 17, 2011 8:17:12 AM
Subject: DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE
Dear Brother i want to know if you have hard from my bank , i send to you the deposit certificate for more comfanation in this transaction and please do not take this transaction as a play please i beg of you in the name of GOD.
Open the attach.
Mr Mohammed

Wearing a lab coat and all, because that's what doctor's do.

#13 The Bank Sends their questionnaire!
This is getting really official now! Rather than post the questionnare twice I just posted it with Gunther's answers below.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO info@boa-service-mail.co.cc
To:
Sent: Fri, June 17, 2011 6:11:43 AM
Subject: BANK OF AFRICA UN-CONDITIONAL QUESTIONNAIRE
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT,BANK OF AFRICA (BOA),
Date :17/06/2011
ATTN;Mr.Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
YOUR INHERITANCE FUND TRANSFER .
BANK OF AFRICA
UN-CONDITIONAL QUESTIONNAIRE.
SIR,
SEQUEL TO YOUR APPLICATION TO OUR HONORABLE BANK REQUESTING FOR THE INHERITANCE FUND OF YOUR NEXT OF KIN
DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY,
WE HAVE SAT ON A MEETING REGARDING IT. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO ANSWER THESE OFFICIAL QUESTIONS ATTACH IN YOUR FILE. OPEN THE ATTACHMENT FOR QUESTIONNAIRE. TO ENABLE US SERVE YOU BETTER
MAKE SURE YOU FILL IT AND SEND BACK TO THIS DEPARTMENT IN 48 HOURS WORKING DAYS.
FAILURE TO DO SO WILL READ TO THE NOTIFICATION OF YOUR APPLICATION.
WITH DUE RESPECT. WE SYMPATHIZE ON THE DEATH OF OUR HONORABLE CUSTOMER.
ACCEPT OUR SINCERE SYMPATHY ON THE DEATH OF YOUR COLLEAGUE PARTNER WHO WAS ONE OF OUR VERY GOOD CUSTOMERS.
WE ARE TO TELL YOU TO SEND YOUR 4 PASSPORT PHOTO TO US.
THANKS FOR CO-OPERATION.
PRESIDENT GRUOP OF BANK OF AFRICA
BANK OF AFRICA. WAST AFRICA.
YOUR'S SINCEREL
DR SULE AHMED

#14 Gunther fills out the questionnaire.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO info@boa-service-mail.co.cc
Sent: Fri, June 17, 2011 10:01:19 AM
Subject: Re: BANK OF AFRICA UN-CONDITIONAL QUESTIONNAIRE
Dear Sir,
Please find attached my completed questionnaire to the best of my abilities. For any additional comments, please ask my representative, Mr. Mohamed Hazan for additional answers. Say hello to your mother for me.
Luis Guzman chimmichanga.
-Gunther

#15 Gunther relates to Hazan
So personable.
--------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Mrmohamed Hazan mrmohamedhazan@yahoo.com
Sent: Fri, June 17, 2011 9:41:48 AM
Subject: Re: MY BANK ID AND INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT

My Brother from another mother,
It pleases me greatly like a Hannibal seeing his first elephant that you are calling me brother. My own brother, Victor, is a mean and cruel person in Latveria who did try his best to have me killed. Four time, fantastically enough. But enough talk of such sorrow. Let us rejoice in the millions I shall soon be making algrandar algo chimmichanga Luis Guzman blanquito veneral Hornification!
I just received the email from the bank with the form to fill out and I will do so today and send it back to the bank! Verily!
But now I must ask. Are you angry with Gunther? Have I done something to offend you? Why are you not answering my simple question. I already received your passport and id photo and I sent you mine as well but you did not answer my questions. Luis Guzman!!
I will repeat them here.

1. Are you married?
2. What is the name of your wife?
3. How many children do you have?
4. What is your favorite movie?
5. How old were you when you first realized you had toes?
6. Luis Guzman?
7. Is the Pope Catholic?
I look forward to believing you.
Gunther

And here our adventure ends! They must have realized the cost-benefit ratio was tipped too far in the direction of insanity to continue with Gunther. Raspberries!!

Kamsanity: Journey to the Peak of 200.

2011-06-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Fitness isn't easy. And I'm not even talking about the physical part of it. I had always been involved in sports as a kid. I studied Kyokushin Karate (Mas Oyama kicks ass) through my early teens, competed in gymnastics in high school (Go Red Devils - 9 State Titles!!), played intra-mural football in college (Go 'Canes!) and grad-school, and then joined the working force. Sitting at a desk for over 8 hours a day takes its toll on you. Working out in the gym isn't the same as playing sports constantly. And that skant hour or so of working out barely does enough to combat the 8+ hours of sitting. As an actor and especially loving action films, my fitness is also important to me and part of the job description.

I needed to work out more efficiently, more effectively, and harder. Searching around late-night infomercials and the interwebs, I came across the "Insanity" workout, which really kicks ass. It's a great place to start for a killer workout. I tinkered around and built my own version Insanity, "Kamsanity" (yes, I really am cheesy like that). I constructed a program around what suits my physical responses the best. If I want to compete with the other action guys out there, I have to be able to actually compete with the other action guys out there, and that means pushing myself harder.

March 29th

I'm very competitive, so I liked to do the same workout and see if I could 'beat' my averages and max numbers from the previous workout and also to change the workouts to get that higher max.

April 3rd

I began to switch my workouts constantly, never allowing myself to adapt from week to week. I switched up the "Kamsanity" routines nearly every time I went to the gym. Muscle confusion is a great tactic to make sure your body can't adapt to what you're doing, especially in high-intensity cardiovascular training. Now everyone is different, and this workout may not be difficult for you, but this is what worked for me.

April 20th

As a little background, I think I'm slightly more fast twitch than slow twitch. I consider 1 mile to be "long distance" to give you an idea of my base muscle endurance. The furthest I've ever run is 6 miles. So this workout may not work for you if you're a long distance runner. I respond very well to plyo-metric training, which served as the basis for my formative physical years with martial arts and gymnastics and that's the basics of my workout. The basic idea is to pre-exhaust myself as quickly as possible, depleting all muscle and energy sources as much as I can, and then ending with the toughest amount of cardio to tap into those reserves. For me, hill-running/incline-running is the hardest pure-cardio exercise. This workout follows the template I've used of supersets of 4-6 exercises with little to no-breaks in between.

June 2nd

The workout changes nearly every time I go to the gym, but follows the same principle and structure. Here's what I did to hit 200!
Treadmill Warmup:
Run speed 7 for 3 mins
Run speed 8 for 5 mins
Run speed 11 for 1 min
Run speed 7 for 1 min

Round One: 3 Rounds of
Plyometric Pull ups (6-8)
Weighted Box Jumps (10)
Mountain Climbers (20)
Lunge Jumps (10)

30 Second Break

Round Two: 3 Rounds of:
Kettle Bell swings (10)
Mountain climbers (20)
Hanging L-Crunches (10)
Burpee Pull-ups (10)
Halos (10)
Plyo-Ball Pushups (10)
Treadmill sprints (1 min)

30 Second Break

Final Cardio Push:
Run speed 6 for 1 minute
Run speed 7 for 1 minute
Run speed 8 for 1 minute
Run speed 9 at max incline of 15 for 1 minute.
Don't puke. Stretch.
Time: 40 minutes.
Avg BPM: 159
Max BPM: 200
Calories: 775
DONE!

June 8th

According to various methodology, here are three general methods of how to calculate your theoretical maximum heart rate.
Old Standard:
Max = 220 - Age
183

US Standard Method:
Max = 206.9 - (0.67 x age)
182.11

Londeree and Moeschberger Method:
Max = 206.3 - (0.711 × Age)
179.993

Kamsanity Method:
Max = There is no Max.
200
Here's the behind the scenes of the workout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDoTVDQlDQI

Thanks again for checking in! More shenanigans coming soon!
Peace and good karma!
-Kamran
http://www.kamphotography.info

Behind the Scenes of One Light, One Frame.

2011-06-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

With this sequence, I wanted to go away from everything I had been working on recently - mainly multi-light set ups and complex composites. Instead I wanted to use one light and one frame and do it all in-camera. By the way, this is also a good way to get a slight headache - shaking your head really fast and firing a strobe repeatedly into your eyes in a pitch black room. Also probably not a good idea to try this technique if your epileptic. You know, just to be safe, check with your doctor before trying anything I've ever thought up.

I tried out two techniques.

1. Multiple flashes fired very fast in Multi-Flash setting.

F6.3 at 1/10th with ISO H F20 at 5sec with ISO100

This one was done using the Canon Speedlight 580EX set for a multi-flash. It released a strobiscopic flash in a fraction of a second to capture the multiple images of my shaking head. On the left is an example of what i would be doing with the lights on. On the right, the result, with the room completely dark to kill all ambient light for the 5 second shutter duration. I then added a Cross Process curve, some selective desaturation, and a second curve for exposure, to bring out the details in the shirt which I'll post at the bottom.

2. Single flash fired 3 times in manual setting.

This is the set-up above, where I fired a flash on the right, changed my expression, fired on the left, and changed the expression again, and fired from above to give...

And here's how I worked the layers:

And here's how I did my Cross Processing Curve for this sample. You can get other fun effects by switching the Red and Blue curves so that the Blue is the S-curve and the Red is the Slanted-Line. Play around, have fun!

Voila! Easy peasy!

Thanks again for checking in to my blog, some fun shenanigans coming up this month including my fitness goal of hitting 200BPM max heart rate!

Kamran

http://www.kamphotography.info

Wild Orchid Beauty Editorial in Satellite Mag!

2011-06-01T06:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.satellite-mag.com/Satellite/WildOrchidByKamKhan.html

So here's what happens when two unrelated, different shoots come together! I shot Marcia almost a year and half apart from the Orchids. I had this idea about splashing and beauty but the original concept I had just wasn't working with what I had shot. I liked the work, the team did a great job, it was my fault that I couldn't find the story that I wanted to put together. So the images were placed in that giant warehouse with the Ark. Then about a year and a half later I shot the orchids. I started to play around with the colors and saturation and as I was doing some gradient wipes on an image mask, the black & white desaturation on the orchid just struck a chord and I remembered the black & white shot of Marcia. I started to put the orchid pictures around the Marcia shots and voila! They just fit together. I had my beauty story!

Here's the story in the original layout.

I shot both with the Canon 5D and the 100mm USM IS lens. For Marcia I used a socked and gridded beauty dish above camera and angled down and a gridded light with 7" reflector as the kicker. For the orchids I used one light directly above the orchid, gridded with a 7" reflector.

Credits
Model - Marcia from FentonMoon Media
Make-up Artist / Hair - Heather Wilson
Orchid Arrangements by - Cortney Nathanson
Satellite-Mag June 2011

Thanks for checking in! More adventures and shenanigans coming soon!

Kamran Khan
http://www.kamphotography.info/

Behind the Scenes of the Sky Jumper

2011-05-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Behind the Scenes of Sky Jumper

I love dynamic imagery. Especially sports related imagery. The emotion you receive from a photograph where there's movement is very different from a static image. However, sometimes you aren't able to create the image you want at the time you want it. There can be many issues, the most common being not having all the talent/elements you need at the time you need them - hence the power of compositing.

Learning compositing, like all other photography, is one part art, one part science and one part magic gnomes in your head. I'll try and break down my approach in this behind the scenes, at least for the first two parts, you'll have to figure out how to deal with your own magic gnomes yourself. As you've figured out, the above image is a composite. This is a simple composite of two images to illustrate a number of elements including lighting and perspective. All the images below are how they looked right out of camera without any corrections.

1. Background Plate

This is your starting point. I knew i wanted an image of a jumper leaping towards the sky. I captured a number of images over by the Hudson river between 5-6PM, sunset was at 8PM. This was the one I liked the most for a few reasons. It gave me the option to cut off the ground and city-scape, so there was ONLY sky in the shot, or i could keep them, which I decided to do, because I liked the added perspective and feel you get from the grass and rocks in the foreground and the skyline in the bottom third, they both add weight to the bottom of the picture.

Clouds give instant ambiance, a cloudy day is your best friend!

2. Stand in Sample

I knew that I'd be inserting the jumper into the image, but I wanted to see how it would look IF I had all my lights and everything at the location. So I shot a sample image jumping in camera, to get the relation of the main light (the sun) on the subject. The problem this shot posed was the camera was placed angled up on the ground on a slope, so I was jumping from beneath the camera to make it into the middle of the frame. Normally this jump would have been much higher, relative to the camera, but because the camera was on the ground, angled upwards, it got this effect, which turned into a bit of a problem. But this gave me the perspective I needed to know and how the sun was relating to the subject.

The Sun Flare was the best help from this Test jump, aside from positioning.

3. Replicating the scene.

Now I had my background plate and the jump I wanted to replicate. After loading all the images onto my computer, I deleted all but the above shot. I was just going to flip back and forth between my in-studio jumps and this shot until I got it right. The problem was I was now working on a flat surface and jumping from the same height as the camera, rather than under neath it. Which meant I couldn't jump at all. I actually had to be in the position on the ground and raise maybe 4-5 inches off the ground to be in the same spot as the Sample jump. The other problem this shot posed, which also helps in making it very believable, was I shot this wide angle, at 17MM. Which meant the placing of the jump within the frame was far more crucial for believability. Because of the optics of a wide-angle lens, I had to jump as close to the position of the Test Jump as I could to get the believability I wanted. Had I been framed too far right or left, that would warp the optics and placing me anywhere else in the Background Plate would not be believable. The lighting/placement of the sun also had to match as close as possible.

Not perfect, but close enough within the frame to mimic the perspective for the background plate.

It's a very simple 3 light set up. The Main light is replicating the sun, which I placed at the same spot the sun is at in the background plate and then two kickers firing almost in a straight line from each other. I then shot a few test frames to get the correct distance from the camera. This shot I used ended up being a 'throw-away' after I had what I was happy with, which was actually going to be a composite of me in two parts, my whole body as one, and left leg comp'd in separately. But I always shoot 'just one more throw away' after I am happy with what I have just to see what happens, and this is what happened, a far stronger image than having to comp myself together would have been. Sometimes nothing happens. You just gotta give yourself that freedom to create, even within a creative endeavor, your mind should know 'this is a freebie' without any consequences, and sometimes you'll get something sweet.

4. Putting it together

Next comes the melding of the images together. Using the RAW conversion color correction to mimic the same values across both the background plate and jump shot was the starting point. I then had to add in the Sun Flare to mimic the actual flare I captured from the Test Jump. Then it was just a matter of tweaking the colors using multiple layers of Curves, B/W Adjustments, and Hue/Saturation adjustment layers.

Equipment / Settings

Canon 5D
Canon 17-40mm Lens (at 17mm)
ISO: 100
Aperture: F18
Shutter: 1/160th

Final Thoughts

So just remember to make sure when you make any composite, that the perspective of the individual elements all match with the perspective of your background plate. The wider the angle of the lens, the more exact the position will need to be of each element within the frame. Looking at the image now, the biggest mistake I see is in the art direction. The shirt and shorts should have been different colors. The blue shorts are dark enough to work, but the light green shirt, which I made darker, should have been a red shirt, to give that hint of conforming with the red in the shoes, or Yellow. Red and Yellow are very powerful colors that can dominate a scene.

Hmmm now that I mention it...

I do like the red shirt!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more! And as always, if there's any questions or I wasn't clear, feel free to ask. There are no secrets!

Peace and light,

Kamran Khan

http://www.kamphotography.info/

Gunther Schvwardson and Timothy Olyphant against the League of Extraordinary Nigerian Scammers: Part V

2011-05-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

Go ahead. Drink. Drink. No, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. You're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Timothy Olyphant?

The Final Epic Conclusion!

Read parts en, två, tre, fyra.
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant En
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Två
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Tre
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Fyra

#74 Gunther Loses it!
The steam is coming out of Gunther's ears! You do NOT let Gunther make up an insult to Mr. Spielberg that you never made, I tell you what...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 3:42:57 PM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Mr. Braimoh,
I ARE SO ANGRY NOW! Mexican taco! You are not reading any thing i write! You are wishing me dead! I are know you are trying to kill me now and steal my money. I are going to go with Nigerian National Bank as they are dealing with me properly and pay them the extra money for $1000.00 they are asking for Federal Express package of my winnings because they are much more nice than you!!!

Union Bank are not funding Saving Private Ryan! Why are you saying so!??? You are very mean and are making me and Mr. Spielberg very angry! I are found out Union Bank made funding to Shakespeare in Love! NOT Saving Private Ryan. You are saying apology for both. That is childsplay. I said you are to make apology for funding Shakespeare in Love which was the movie that won Oscar over Saving Private Ryan, and to make apology that Saving Private Ryan are much better movie than Shakespeare in Love. You are done NOTHING!!! POTATO!! JALAPENO!!!

I are making cancellation of payment immediately. I are only to make payment after you are to make proper apology as i are stated above. You are making childsplay of this and are making me very angry!!

May God send you to the darkest recees peanut butter cups of hell and mexican tacos!
Gunther

Three makes it official.

#75 Gunther Lays Down the Law
By the way, I have no idea where the proliferation of "mexican taco" statements have been coming from, it just makes me laugh.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 3:50:45 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

NO, YOU adhere to MY instructions. There was problem because I are having transaction cancelled. Please to see prior email. I away your response mexican taco.

Gunther

#76 Gunther Reaches out to the Good Barrister
Time to close this Circle of Life. We are entering the End of Days now. It won't be long now till the grand plan is revealed...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:08:02 PM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America
My Dearest Beloved Brother Mister Barrister Donald Klen,

I are fearing you are have abandoned me as google well, just like my best friend Timothy Olyphant. I are not hearing anything from Mrs. Franca Jones. I are not hearing anything from Timothy Olyphant. I are not hearing anything from you. The Union Bank are treating me very mean necrosis and with no kindness and calling me names and not reading what i are writing to them surfing jaws big noriega blanket ginseng.

I fear i are having nothing left and will take my life now in suicide portable granola xavier.
i are praying i no longer have dreams, because i are so sad now for bubble siesta vernacular mucho coriander.

Please to pray for my soul so that i are not to end up in hell with Mr. Braimoh and Mrs. Franca Jones.

If i are not to hear back from you within one hour, please to know that i are now dead.

I are cancelled my last Western Union receipt to the Union Bank as they are not treating me kindly and i are to make payment to Nigerian National Bank on another transaction because they are being kind to me, and then i are to kill myself with mexican taco.
May God show Timothy Olyphant's mercy on my soul.
Your friend, but not best friend because Timothy Olyphant are my best friend,
Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

#77 The Union Bank Grows A Pair
Finally, they stand up from the pounding Gunther's been laying on their balls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:16:48 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I MR OLU BREIMOH AND THE ENIRE BANK MANAGMENT ARE SO SURPRISED AT THE WAY YOU ARE HANDLING THE TRANSFER OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND.

BE INFORMED THAT I AM ONLY HERE TO DO MY JOB AND NOT TOLERATE INSULT OR INSULT ANY ONE .

I AM 56 YRS OLD AND KN OW I AM ONLY HERE TO ENSURE THAT YOUR FUND REFLECT INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHIN 24 HOURS AS THE REMITTANCE OPERATION MANAGER.I HAVE WORKED FOR UNION BANK FOR TWENTY YEARS AND HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED AN AMERICAN CUSTOMER.I HAVE INDEED TRIED SO MUCH TO ENSURE PEACEFUL FINALISATION OF TRANSFER.

NOTE
YOUR ADMINISTRATIVE FEE IS WHAT IS WITHHOLING THIS BANK .
IF YOU DONT NOT WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR FUND WRITE A LETTER OF CANCELLATION OR YOUR BARRISTER TO THE BANK,SO I CAN TENDER TO THE BOARD AND CANCEAL THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY .
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#78 Resistant is Futile. Gunther will assimilate.
Don't go and try and pull out a pair of balls after Gunther's been wacking them down the fairway with a nine iron. I have no idea if that's the right club, it just sounds good. Oh yeah, and Gunther's been watching Spanish movies.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:31:41 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

Dear Mr. Breimoh,
If you are surprised than i are more suprised!! I are now certain you are trying to make me kill myself and steal my money. I are going to report to my barrister Donald Klen to report you to the authorities for my death and for stealing my inheritance fund. I are not asking anything but for kindness and apology mexican tacos to come from your heart, not to copy my words. You are not making proper apology to me for Shakespeare in Love winning Oscar over Saving Private Ryan and my best friend Timothy Olyphant are have dissapeared after killing Osama Bin Laden so i are not to kill myself. I are to make payment to Nigerian National Bank and kill myself and that Bank Manager, Mr. Harris, will be making millions of dollars as i are to leave him the money and not you.

I are 68 years old, so i are your elder and you are to make peace with me or God will judge you for killing me. I are to make payment and death of myself in one hour. hacienda siesta poquito chimmichanga.
Gunther

#79A/B The Good Barrister Gets Desperate
He'll kill himself too? That's no solution. What a douche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:26:53 PM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Hello Dearest Brother Gunther,
Pls dont not kill yourself pls i beg you,For if you do i will kill myself too.

i cannot stop cleaning tears from my eye.

what is really going on ,i received a call now from mr olu,telling me to tender application to canceal transaction.What is the meaning of that?

Pls have you cancealled the transaction,i am so sorry for my late reply,i am so sick now.

Mr jones inforemed me that she will write you tommorrow after i saw her .
Pls dont kill my dreams and pls do not make any payment to any other bank ,Trust me.

#79B
He's such a greedy bastard. Gunther's suicide is an evil to HIM? Douche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:35:28 PM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Hello brother gunther ,

pls i am here ,here is my phone number +234 80 330 79591.

pls dont kill your self ok.

i must make sure the bank sack olu for insulting you ,me and putting me critical condition.

Brother pls do not send any money to any national bank ok and do not canceal this transaction for if you do, i am finished and all hopes gone.i cannot marry again neither can i help my people .Also my dreams of coming to america is finished.

O God answer my prayer and dont let this evil happen to me.
Love so much Gunther
Klen

#80 Gunther Lets Him Wait
Let 'em sweat it out a little bit, wonder what this crazy Latverian is doing, right down to the end of the hour before replying.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardso
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:56:28 PM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Dear Brother Klen,
I are very fortunate i are checking my email before Mr. Braimoh makes murder killing myself and finding your reply. It are gives me hope that i are find life once more in chimmichanga tequila burrito. Please to have Mrs. Franca Jones write me, i are to await her reply and maybe not kill myself.

I are happy to send money to Union Bank and give you 30% of all my money my dearly beloved liberace friend Klen. But they must make the apology i are demand of them. I are proud Latverian and we are people who if are not receiving apology, we are killing ourselves. It are why they are not many Latverians alive in world today.

I wait Mrs. Franca Jones' email. Perhaps this are my last night to taqueria pista de hielo camiones banco sleep in bed, before i go to sleep with the devil in hell for i are to are murdered by Mr. Breimoh kill myself tomorrow if the bank are not make apology as i are demanded to them deportes regalos burrito mexican taco.
Please to forgive me, i are hoping you can make sack on the evil Mr. Olu Braimoh at the Union Bank.
Love me so much too,
Gunther

#81 The Union Bank Stands Fast.
Hoooolllddd..... Hooooollddd..... Hoooooolllldd..... (queue Scorponok by Steve Jablonksy, 0:33 until 0:44)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:55:38 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I MR OLU BREIMOH RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL IN OUR REMITTANCE OFFICE NOW.

SIR I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT I DONT NEED YOUR $8.5 MILLION USD,ITS NOT MY MONEY AND SO THERE IS KNOW WAY I CAN CLAIM IT,YOU ARE CALLING ME A THIEF IF YOU DONT KNOW.

I HAVE APOLOGISED TO YOU SEVERAL TIMES AND I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT FRO ME.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY CUSTOMER HERE .
TELL ME WHAT APOLOGY YOU NEED AGAIN?

I AM 56 YRS OLD , I AM ONLY HERE TO ENSURE THAT YOUR FUND REFLECT INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHIN 24 HOURS AS THE REMITTANCE OPERATION MANAGER.
NOTE
GO AND SEND YOUR 600 USD
ADMINISTRTIVE FEE WHICH WITHHOLDING THIS BANK FROM FINALISING THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY ,

IF YOU DONT NOT WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR FUND WRITE A LETTER OF CANCELLATION OR YOUR BARRISTER TO THE BANK,SO I CAN TENDER TO THE BOARD AND CANCEAL THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY .
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#82 Gunther Breaks the Line
Oh I'm getting that apology alright...(queue Scorponok by Steve Jablonksy 1:15-1:42)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 5:01:05 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

Dear Mr. Breimoh,
I are hoping you are not trying to steal my money, you must be hacienda estadio very rich to not need it but i are needing it very desperately. Thank you for making apology before for the previous insults, i are thankful for you to do such things as nocturnal feces. But as i are said before, i are found that Union Bank did make funding to company that made movie Shakespeare in Love which won Oscar award over Saving Private Ryan. I are demand apology from Union Bank for making Shakespeare in Love when Saving Private Ryan is superior picture tiendo libreria mexican taco and should have won the Oscar. Union Bank should know that Saving Private Ryan are much better movie than Shakespeare in Love and I and Mr. Spielberg demand to hear that because it are the truth. It are too long a story to tell you why this is the greatest insult ever to my soul, but it are, and if I are not to receive this apology, then i are to kill myself in the morning as i are going to sleep now and you are to be responsible for murder.
Mexican taco.
Gunther

#83 The Good Barrister is NUTS!
Hahahah he's gonna kill Mr. Olu! I love it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 5:35:35 PM
Subject: I AM TRUELY SORRY NEW UPDATE

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I MR OLU BREIMOH RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL IN OUR REMITTANCE OFFICE NOW.

I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT A CALL WAS RECEIVED BY YOUR BARRISTER DONALD KLEN NOW .

SIR I AM TRUELY SORRY FOR ANY THING AND EVERY THING I HAVE DONE.

FIND A PLACE IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME .I AM VERY SORRY AND TRUELY SORRY AND ITS COMING FROM MY HEART.PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY WE ARE GROWN MEN .

YOU ARE MY ELDER SO I AM VERY VERY SORRY.

I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY JOB,BARR KLEN IS WELL KNOW AND I DO NOT WANT ANY PROBLEM WITH HIM AND HIS FAMILY.HE HAS TREATEN TO KILL ME.
NOTE
GO AND SEND YOUR 600 USD
ADMINISTRATIVE FEE WHICH WITHHOLDING THIS BANK FROM FINALISING THIS TRANSACTION,SO I CAN ENSURE IMMEDIATE RELEASE OF FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.
RECEIVE NAME .AZUBUIKE O OKPALA
ADDRESS, LAGOS NIGERIA.369
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#84 Gunther Tries Honey, because the Ball Kicking wasn't working
More flies that way and all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 6:45:50 PM
Subject: Re: I AM TRUELY SORRY NEW UPDATE

I are received your email in my mexican taco and I are understanding, thank you and it are mucho appreciatedo.
But i are still requesting one simple thing for me to read, it are important to my Latverian culture. Please to make apology saying You are apologizing for Shakespeare in Love winning the Oscar over Saving Private Ryan, when Saving Private Ryan is clearly the better movie and great apologies to Mr. Spielberg for his movie losing. That are all i desire and i are to go not kill myself and make $600 remittance from western union in the morning.
That are all and i are not to kill myself siesta burrito.
Gunther

#85 THE APOLOGY TO END ALL APOLOGIES
It took long enough, and was more than long overdue, but at 7:38PM on May 11th, justice was finally served. Twelve years too late, but finally. You're welcome, Mr. Spielberg, you're very welcome. Queue and crankup Scorponok by Steve Jablonsky at 2:30-3:20, epic!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 7:38:15 PM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

SIR THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I MR OLU BRAIMOH RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL IN OUR BANKING OFFICE ,I REALLY WANT PEACE TO RAIN AND I WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THAT.

IT IS SAID THAT THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

I AM GREATFUL THAT YOU HAVE ACCEPTED MY APOLOGY FOR I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY JOB OR OFFEND YOU OUR CUSTOMER,I AM ONLY HERE TO SERVE YOU AND BETTER.

NOW I AM TRUELY APOLOGISING FOR SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE WINNING OSCAR OVER SAVING PRIVATE RYAN ,WHEN SAVING PRIVATE RYAN MUCH BETTER MOVIE.I OLU ALSO APOLOGIES MR SPIELBERG LOSING HIS MOVIE.

SIR PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOURSELF I BEG YOU.

I AM TRUELY SORRY SIR.

I ASSURE YOU THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FRIEND AND MUST BE KIND AND OBEDIENT TO YOU AS YOU RECEIVE YOUR APPROVED PAYMENT .

ALSO DUE TO BANKING PROCEDURE WHICH PREVENTS US FROM TOUCHING OR WITHDRAWING FROM WITHHELD DEPOSIT .I ASSURE YOU THAT

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE COMFIRMATION OF WESTERN UNION ,YOUR FUND WILL BE WIRED STRAIGHT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND DOCUMENTS SENT .

USE THE NAME OF THE BANK TRESURER
AZUBUIKE O OKPALA
OR MR OLU BRAIMOH
ADDRESS THE FUND TO LAGOS NIGERIA TO ENABLE US CASH IT,ITS VERY IMPORTANT .
THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#87A/B/C The Good Barrister Shows His Concern!
Three emails in a row! Showing his concern, and his greed. Douche. He should cry more often.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 5:14:34 PM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Hello Brother Gunther,

You have mad me cry after a very long time in my life .

Pls do not kill yourself over nothing when there is a beautiful new day coming ,do not ruin my dreams of happiness by killing yourself .

You are the God i see and pls do not allow stupid olu to spoil a beautiful future which is ahead for us.

i am calling him right away to write an apology ,or i will be in his office first thing in the morning to tender my petition.Bro Gunther Olu must be sacked mark my word.

But i always think the right time for me is when you receive this fund,i dont want any thing to hinder this transaction.

Pls go and send the western union to the bank ,so all this will be history.Hear my word.
Love you so much bro Gunther
Barrister Klen

Preach on, Brother Klen! And what a closing, all that emotion, and then... 'have a nice day'? Douche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 7:03:15 PM
Subject: I AM WAITING BRO GUNTHER IN AMERICA

Hello Brother Gunther,
How are you?i hope you feel better now,Pls try and take a hot or cold bath and take some coffe and chill.

Pls dont tell me that you want to kill yourself again ,it shocks me to hear that ,
because
its never done over here,people dont take there life here ,especially in nigeria,

Only
The northern states where you have the muslims, that where you see fightS and killings.

HEAR THIS YOU SHALL NOT DIE BUT LIVE TO DECLEAR THE GLORY OF GOD IN YOUR LIFE.AMEN.

i feel so shocked today , Do you have a phone number, send me so i can call you sometimes or we talk on phone when important,that will be great.

Also i hope Mr olu has apologied to you,He called me and was pleding ,Dont mind the old creazy african man.

One thing i am sure is that union bank is rich,strong and relaible its one of the oldest bank in nigeria and has been for century.

mr olu complained that mrs Rita and co travelled to another state,And that you should send the money with either his name or the bank tresurer name whom he said ,he has forwarded name to you and send the money.He informed me that you should also address the money to LAGOS NIGERIA .Any way thats it.

Brother Gunther i have $200 usd i can sell my car to get more ,Pls update me .

its my dream to see that this transaction ,be finalised,so i can have a bright future and generations.

Delay is sometimes dangerous and mind you that this is destined to be,Pls help me and remember mrs jones.Pls dont start telling her about stupid olu and there rudness to you, on her sick bed.Tell her that you are planning of visiting soon and coming to my wedding also ,so she can be happy and wax more stronger.Remember her love for charity.Dont worry be happy.

Dont allow olu to annoy you,pls overlook him and remember that there are people far away over here who treasure you.

i would love to hear from you,so i can know what to do,so we can pay off this fee and receive our fund.
God bless you and have a nice day.
Best
Barr Donald Klen

I think someone is getting antsy.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Thu, May 12, 2011 8:21:33 AM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Hello Brother Gunther,
Goodmorning to you,

How are you this morning? i pray and hope you are fine and excellent today.

You did not reply my last email,i was still waiting till now .
i hope you are fine and good.
Have a nice day and pls send me email .
God bless you
Barrister Klen

#88 The Hammer is About to Drop!
I'm so close to completing this story arc!! (Queue Promentory by Randy Edelman and Trevor Jones, Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack Track 6, seriously the hair on your neck should stand up with this one!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Thu, May 12, 2011 11:54:25 AM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Hello Brother Klen,
I are still alive, but i are not hearing email from Mrs. Franca Jones. I are thinking she are now dead with Osama Bin Laden and Hitler and Hans Gruber. I are still not heard from Timothy Olyphant. Are you hearing from Timothy Olyphant? Timothy Olyphant are my protector from the demons and without Timothy Olyphant the demons are to get me. You are too far away to save me, so unless you are received email from Timothy Olyphant saying Timothy Olyphant are to help me, then the demons are to get me today and you are never to hear from me again. I are to be taken by demons. I are told Mr. Olu to send all $8.5USD to you for your personal use and for your mother. Say hello to your mother for me.

I bid you farewell my brother Klen, for unless you are heard from Timothy Olyphant, I are lost to the demons forever.
God bless you.
Oh, and please to make sure Mr. Olu eats the nocturnal feces of baboon with mexican tacos and giraffe butter juggular white francaphone hacienda portcullis trebble hummus.
I pray for God's mercy from the demons.
Your brother,
Gunther

#89 The Hammer is on it's way down...
Almost there.... stay on target. Almost there.... Stay on target! (Queue Edward Scissorhands theme by Danny Elfman, and snow effects)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Thu, May 12, 2011 11:49:06 AM
Subject: Re: NEW UPDATE

Dear Mr. Olu,
Thank you for the thoughtful jalapeno burrito salsa verde apology. You are very right that the customer are always right. It are the truth. I are always right as well. But as you know, Mrs. Franca Jones are in the hospital and are not recovering. She are not replied to my last email and I are still have not heard from Timothy Olyphant. So that is the end. Please to find the attachment with my payment to Western Union of $600.00 and to please release all $8.5USD to the property of my barrister Donald Klen. He are good man who deserve much nocturnal feces and barbados tortuga nemesis jalapeno.

But i fear this may be the last you are to hear from me. I are not to kill myself you see, but Timothy Olyphant are my protector from demons that are haunting me and they have now haunted me for the past two weeks without Timothy Olyphant my protector. I fear the demons are to take me away. Since you cannot save me, you are the cause of my death. If you are not to hear from me again, please to make mexican taco chimmichange este verda andale andale arriba arriba clown factory footstool porcupile crupuscle.
May satan grab a hold of your nad hairs and never let go.
Gunther Schvwardson

Something in there for the Lost fans... and maybe my favorite Q/A yet.

No, NO, NO... DO NOT WANT!!! You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! NO!!!! Seriously?? It ends here??? How freakin' anti-climactic! Now all of a sudden they don't care about Gunther?? No reply?? ARGH!!! I really wanted to finish this storyline, and I had ONE MORE FREAKIN' REPLY TO GO!!

That's just how it goes in the fast-paced, high-stress world of Scam-baiting. Timothy Olyphant's return, Pazoozoo's fight with Timothy Olyphant over the soul of Gunther... argh, so close! Timothy entrance was going to be so freakin' badass too. Was it the mention of the demons? I guess cursing and demons are off limits topics for Nigerian Scammers. And I was so wanting to write in Pazoozoo's voice. Awwwwwwww RASPBERRIES!!!

Queue End Credit theme to The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, by Michael Bodicker. Seriously, look it up, you'll be whistling the hook all week...

EXT. FLOOD CONTROL CHANNEL - DAY

Crisp, blue skies frame the entrance to a flood control channel. A rope arcs high into the air, tossed over the sloping wall of the flood control channel. Gunther appears at the top and uses the rope to navigate down the steep slope. He's wearing a slick gray suit, white shirt and a maroon bow tie. He's pimp. He starts strutting down the empty channel, the sloping walls raising high off on either side. Off from the right, Timothy Olyphant enters, wearing a white jacket, no shirt, and dark gray pants, strutting beside Gunther as the two walk in unison. Off from the left, Harvey Wallbanger enters, wearing a cowboy outfit, falling in stride to the other side of Gunther. Off from the right, Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks enter, shaking each others hands with congratulatory enthusiasm, you can see the relief and satisfaction on their faces, finally! and fall in stride with the group. Off from the left, Jeff Goldblum enters, wondering what he's doing there, but nonetheless falling in stride. They all strut down the flood control channel and exit, screen left.

Gunther Schvwardson will return in... Gunther Schvwardson Against the World Nigerian Scam League. Or will he?

The End..... ?

Gunther Schvwardson and Timothy Olyphant against the League of Extraordinary Nigerian Scammers - Part IV

2011-05-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Life is bare, gloom and mis'ry everywhere...

Our Story So Far...

Read Part ein, zwei, drei.
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Part Ein
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Part Zwei
Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Part Drei

#50 Gunther Exchanges Pics
Where Momma Klenn?? Dammit i wanna see her!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 3:18:59 PM
Subject: Re: important

Hello Brother Klen!

I are received the photographs! Thank you. you are most handsome man! are you with marital woman? i are attached photograph taken last fall with Timothy Olyphant and myself at Halloween party where we dressed up as cowboys.

Here are the information you are requesting. Francophone genesis lordly prawns green cucumber dictaphone.

I are went to Western Union and made purchase with employee named Bubba Lockenboozen for $600. He are gave me receipt and i are go home and scanned receipt and sent scan to Union Bank. Mr. Olu then are made rude comments and called my mother and parokeet bad names. So i are sent receipt again with another scan and he made more rude comments to me. So now i are cancelled prior transaction and am waiting for Timothy Olyphant to take me back to Western Union so i make new Western Union purchase with employee Bubba Lockenboozen. I are to make scan of new receipt and send to Union Bank tonight.

Please to send me photograph of your mother. Say hello to your mother for me. Please to send photo of your barrister office, i are wish to see the building you work in, so i know where to look when i visit with Timothy Olyphant.

Your good friend and master at arms,
Gunther

Back to Deadwood, Timothy hasn't acted with a lot of "Older People" that could double for 68 year old Gunther Schvwardson! (C) HBO Televsion.

#51 Is Timothy Olyphant invited to the Good Barrister's Wedding!
He really likes Gunther's pics with Timothy Olyphant. Who wouldn't?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 4:06:59 PM
Subject: hello gunther know more delays

Hello Brother Gunther,

i am so happy you like my pictures. i am not married,But i am sure it will happen soon or even

when you visit,so i can have important personality like you and timothy there.

What a picture of you and timothy?woo owhite american cow boys,its classic i like it.Pls send me more of you .and i will send more soon .

i am happy you are going to the western union pls tell Bubba Lockenboozen to give you the mtcn numbers and text question and answer in a written sheet and send by email to the bank ok,it will be good if we avoid attachment ,if its giving problem to bank.

Let us receive our fund later today or tommorrow,and to achieve that know more delay s,for delay is sometimes dangerous.

so send information by email ok.,i am so happy.

You are the best bro gunther
Barr Klen

#52 Gunther Knows his Gibberish!
And I want to confirm that wedding invite. Mad props to Timothy Olyphant. That's how cool he is, he get's invited to fake Nigerian scammers weddings that he doesn't even know about.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 4:53:20 PM
Subject: Re: hello gunther know more delays

Hello Brother Klen,
Are you to invite Timothy Olyphant and myself to your wedding? Timothy Olyphant and I would love to come to your wedding french fries barbituate horses venice diving corialis! I are so excited my urine are clear! I are having more pictures with Timothy Olyphant i are to send to you next. Please to please send me more photographs of your house or work or you or anything you like. i are liking to exchange photographic memories with you.

I are waiting for Timothy Olyphant to come take me to Western Union to make purchase and receive receipt. I are no have car and it are too far for me to walk as i are old man and my legs are not supple like a young whores. Once i are find out where are Timothy Olyphant, i are to go to Western Union. Are you certain Timothy Olyphant are not telling you where Timothy Olyphant is? Timothy Olyphant are told me Timothy Olyphant would go to Buddy Garrity's Bar or to The Nostromo but i are not know where. You are to tell me where to find Timothy Olyphant because Timothy Olyphant are said to me to email you to which place Timothy Olyphant are going to be. I are awaiting your reply before i go to search for Timothy Olyphant at Buddy Garrity's Bar or to The Nostromo.

You are better than my real brother, Victor, who are tried to kill me. So i are thanking you for not being a potato bridge leviathan corn destroyer ezekial quantum physics.
Gunther

#53 The Union Bank Do NOT Want!
I love how they keep referring to Gunther by his official title... hahahaha.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 3:43:02 PM
Subject: Re: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes

THANK YOU SO MUCH SIR,

SIR I WISH TO INFORM YOU TO PERSONALLY GET THE MTCN NUMBER FROM THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE AS YOU SEND MONEY AND SEND BY EMAIL ,PLEASE I DO NOT WANT TO RECEIVE ATTACHMENT PLEASE,THIS IS TO AVOID THIS SAME PROBLEM,I BEG YOU .

GET THE MTCN NUMBER FROM THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE.

AND PLS USE THIS INFORMATION AS TEXT QUESTION, ANSWER.
TEXT QUESTION, WHAT FORR
ANSWER , ADMINISTRATIVE
DESTINATION LAGOS NIGERIA.
NAME OF RECEIVE , AZUBUIKE O OKPALA.

SEND THE MTCN BY EMAIL ,I WILL BE SO HAPPY AND WILL ENSURE IMMEDIATE WIRE OF FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY.

SEND THIS BY EMAIL AND USE THE TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER AND I ASSURE IMMEDIATE SUCCESS.
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS

MR OLU BRAIMOH

#54A/B The Good Barrister is an Eligible Batchelor

That's right ladies, get in line for the soon to be millionaire Barrister Klen. And look at that closing... greedy bastard.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 6:41:45 PM
Subject: Re: hello gunther know more delays

Hello Brother Gunther,

Dont worry ,i will send you more pictures soon ok. i can understand .

i will be happy if you two will be present in the wedding,any way let me wait for the fund to arrive first into your account,then i can be happy.

Pls undrstand that i do not know timothy and have never received email or contact with him.

i expect you to see timothy and please try and go to the western union ok,Pls dont fail to get those information mtcn number and text and answer from the western slip copied down in western union office or by timothy and sent by email to the bank.pls send by email those information to the bank and dont attach .

i will be happy ,if you will hear my word and send information by email,i dont want delays any more ok ,email me as soon as you are back from the western union.
God bless gunther and thanks for making me rich.
Barrister Klen

And he's not feeling well, and couldn't wait to tell me. Douche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 6:21:22 AM
Subject: Re: hello gunther know more delays

Hello Brother Gunther ,
Good morning to you,

How are you today? i hope you are fine and excellent.

i am having little fever today ,just finished seeing the doctor and on my way to see mrs franca jones,i did not go to the hosipital yesterday to see her ,so let me check on her.

Bro gunther pls tell me the condition of things,Have you gone to the western union? and have you contacted the bank?

Hope to hear from you and pray we finalise this transaction today.Remember informations by email.
Have a nice day and Good luck ,Godbless
Barr Klen

#55 Gunther Is back to being Mad!
One thing you don't want to do is insult Gunther. One thing you definitely don't want to do is have Gunther make up an insult that you didn't say. I just love making them say fabricated aplogies. It's awesome! I wonder... I guess that's how Dick Cheney must feel...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 8:32:36 AM
Subject: Re: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

Dear Mr. Olu,
Why are you so rude to me!??!! Please to stop calling me names!! I are demanding you to make apology for calling me stupid face potatoe dookie! Why are you calling me stupid face potatoe dookie?? I DEMAND apology!!

I are gone to Western Union this morning by walking and made new receipt of payment of $600. My feet are sore and bloody and made of peanut butter. Because my good friend Timothy Olyphant are lost and are not driving me. I are scanning in receipt now and will send shortly after you make apology. You are so rude sir, like pineapple velociraptor juggling chromatism bubblegum frenzied calendar. What??

May God send His minions of hellspawn and any reality tv star to haunt your nightmares until google bilbo baggins frankenstein harvey keitel.
Gunther

I blurred/pixelated it just a little bit to make it annoying, and enough bad info on there to make them irritated. I hope!

#56 Gunther Tells on the Bank Again
You thought it was ridiculous what Gunther did before, if this next storyline gets to play out... just you WAIT for the insanity!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _______@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 8:38:46 AM
Subject: Re: hello gunther know more delays

Hello Brother Barr Klen,
I are not fine or excellent. The Union Bank are trying to putting a large spiked baboon up my pooper! Mr. Olu called me a stupid face potatoe dookie in his last email to me. I are made demand of another apology from Mr. Olu! Why are they so rude to old man of 61 years like me? I are done nothing but send them all the information they are receiving from transistor radio monkey shines contact jodi foster.

Please to make call to Mr. Olu and demand are make apology to me. I are thinking he are still trying to make stealing of our money that we are working so hard for our treasure island robert louis stevenson gunga dinner plate lasagna.

I still are not heard from Timothy Olyphant. I are thikning the CIA did make Timothy Olyphant dissapear for killing Osama Bin Laden. I are thinking they are hiding Timothy Olyphant from me because Timothy Olyphant are too important for some old man like me. I are sad now, i are thinking i are to take my life with potatoe salad if i are not hearing from my best friend Timothy Olyphant. Please to send a picture of your mother.
I pray the water from God's brita filter cools your heated forehead and gives you rest from this fever.
Have a nice day and say hello to your mother for me.
Gunther

#57 Is the Good Christian Woman still kickin' it?
Gunther needs her help to wrap up this story, think you know where it's headed? Wait for it... wait for it....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: Franca jones jonesfranca22@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 8:43:28 AM
Subject: Re: Hello

Dear Mrs. Franca Jones,
I are hope you are not sleeping with the fishes and Lucabrazzi. I are writing to tell you we will both be dead soon. I are not hearing from my best friend, Timothy Olyphant, and so i are not having any more friends. So i are going to take my life pineapple grinder hoagie moisturizer heart bubbles party birthday talk pinata mexican taco.

I are to join you in the heaven with our Lord our God, unless you are not to be there. I pray to hear you once more before death claims my ingredients label racist granular brown sugar.
May God bless me more than you in case one of us is going to meet with Amon Goeth and Halliburton.
Gunther

#58 The Union Bank Thinks the Check is in the Mail.
If they really ask the Western Union office guy about that question/answer, I would actually pay to hear an audio of that conversation. "No, I am a jazz handed douche."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: UNION BANK NIG - PLC unionbank_nig_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 12:09:53 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE DEAR CUSTOMER

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR CUSTOMER AND BENFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE AND ATTACHMENT RECEIVED.

WE WISH TO INFORM THAT YOUR RECENT ATTACHMENT TODAY IS CLEAR AND PERFECT.

WE CAN SEE ALL THE INFORMATION INCLUDING MY NAME USED AS THE SENDER NAME.

SIR I TRUELY WISH TO APOLOGIES TO YOU,I AM TRUELY SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.

RIGHT NOW WESTERN UNION OFFICE IS CLOSED HERE IN NIGERIA,I WILL CASH THE MONEY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND PROCESS ALL YOUR DOCUMENTS AND ALSO ENSURE THAT YOUR FUND REFLECT INTO YOUR CITY BANK ACCOUNT TOMMORROW.

BE INFORMED THAT ALL YOUR PAYMENT APPROVAL DOCUMENTS WILL BE PROCESSED AND SENT TO YOU TOMMORROW.

WE WILL CONTACT YOU ON NEW UPDATE ,GO AND RELAX.
CONGRATULATION
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#59 Gunther Demands Respect
I won't lie to you, I want this apology bad!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: unionbank_nig_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 2:24:24 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE DEAR CUSTOMER

Dear Mr. Olu,
I ARE CANNOT RELAX!!!! You are to make me so angry like rhinocerous dung herd fecal nocturne beethoven mozart brahms!! Are you not reading my demand for apology!!! I are demand you and the entire Union Bank apologize for calling me stupid face potatoe dookie!! How dare you?!! You are trying to hurt me and kill me as i am old man, i are thinking. I are only 69 year old man now and you are wanting me to die. You are so rude you are to kill me. I demand apology or I are to call Western Union and cancel transaction and make payment to other Nigerian National Bank that are promissing me delivery of fund via Federal Express, and they are NOT rude to me, they are being very nice and not calling me such names as you are. SO i demand apology as i are stated above, or i are to cancel transaction!!!

May the sores from God's bunions press against your heart and cause banana nut crunch potater fries, mmhmm some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade, mmhmm.
Gunther

#60 The Union Bank are a bunch of Keystone Cops
At least when it comes to apologies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 7:14:13 PM
Subject: UNION BANK OF NIGERIA

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR CUSTOMER AND BENFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF UNION BANK INCLUDING MRS STELLA DICKSON ( MANAGEING DIRECTOR UNION BANK PLC)AND RITA AMARA(CHIEF AUDITOR) AND ALSO ENTIRE BOARD CREW APOLOGIE TO YOU OUR CUSTOMER Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson, YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE AND ATTACHMENT RECEIVED.

WE WISH TO INFORM THAT YOUR ATTACHMENT TODAY IS CLEAR AND PERFECT.

WE CAN SEE ALL THE INFORMATIONS

SIR WE ENTIRE BOARD CREW TRUELY WISH TO APOLOGIES TO YOU,I MR OLU BRAIMOH AM TRUELY SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY AND MY APOLOGY SIR.

I WILL CASH THE WESTERN UNION TODAY IN FEW HOURS AND THIS BANK WILL PROCESS ALL YOUR DOCUMENTS AND ALSO ENSURE THAT YOUR FUND REFLECT INTO YOUR CITY BANK ACCOUNT IN CALIFONIA AMERICA TODAY .

BE INFORMED THAT ALL YOUR PAYMENT APPROVAL DOCUMENTS WILL BE PROCESSED AND SENT TO YOU TODAY .

MIND YOU THAT UNION BANK WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE OR LIABLE WITH ANY DEALING WITH ANY OTHER BANK .

WE WILL CONTACT YOU ON NEW UPDATE
CONGRATULATION
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#61 Gunther is like a box of Chocolates.
Gunther may not be a smart man, but he knows what an apology is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson ____@yahoo.com
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 7:29:21 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK OF NIGERIA

Mr. Olu,
I are going to cancel the transaction before the morning unless you make the CORRECT APOLOGY!!! Why are you so rude to me! I are saying to please just to make kindness to me, i are old man!! You are MUST apologize for saying i are stupid face potatoe dookie! YOU MUST SAY THIS IN APOLOGY!! I ARE OLD MAN!! Old man Gunther fornicate bubble sand ultra bordato cylinder giraffe monkey shark laser beam!!

If i are not receive your apology for saying this, i are cancel transaction immediately and to make payment to Nigerian National Bank which are not saying things to me and are not rude. I are wish to be treated nicely, i are old man!! Never tell anyone outside the family what you are thinking again!!
Gunther!

#62 Don't Test Gunther!
Gunther, like Halliburton, does not negotiate with reason. Although I would like to think they still tried to get their cash from this receipt at the Western Union office.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, May 10, 2011 11:36:51 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK OF NIGERIA

I are not hearing apology from you, so i are made cancellation. Gunther are keeping all promises. I are to make new receipt with Western Union for $600.00 only after i receive apology. all i are asking it to be treated with kindness because i are old man. please to make apology as i wrote in my last email.

you are not my friend hogwarts bulls ferris wheel ferrari borgata munchkin syndrome.
Gunther

Official cancellation and all...

#63 Another Awesome Apology!
Ok, so I know I'm just feeding them the apology to make, and by the formatting issues, they just copied and pasted what I told them to say, but like hearing Betty White or Florence Henderson curse, it's a cheap laugh but it still cracks me up. I'm just picturing this Union Bank board meeting, "And the next item on the Agenda, apologizing to Gunther for calling him a stupid facae potatoe dookie." "But we didn't call him that?" "I know, I know, let's just pass the resolution..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 4:01:59 AM
Subject: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR CUSTOMER AND BENFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES $8.5 MILLION USD THAT WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRCTORS OF UNION BANK IN A BRIEF MEETING HELD JUST NOW HERE BY apologize for saying ,You are stupid face potatoe dookie!.PLEASE SIR, WE ARE TRUELY SORRY FOR ANY RUDE ACT AND WE PROMISE YOU THAT WE WILL TREAT YOU WITH ALL AMOUNT OF KINDNESS.

PLEASE ACCEPT OUR APOLOGY ALL OUR INTENTION AND BANK IS TO ENSURE THE SUCCESSFULLY WIRING OF YOUR FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

THIS BANK IS STRONG AND RELIABLE AND WILL ENSURE THAT YOUR $8.5 REFLECT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.YOU ARE OUR CUSTOMER LIKE WISE LATE DR PHILIP JONES OUR LATE CUSTOMER.

PLEASE UPDATE US ON THE WESTERN UNION .PLEASE RECOMFIRM THE WESTERN UNION.WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU BETTER.
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#64 Gunther is Gracious in Victory!
What should I make them apologize for next? For Shakespeare in Love beating Saving Private Ryan?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 8:05:34 AM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Dear Mr. Olu,
Thank you for your apology hacienda burrito gilgamesh mexican taco! I are hoping you are learning how to treat an old man with kindness. The lessons are to be harsh, but you are to learn because you are not kind to old people bunion housing projects venereal mammogram. I are to go to Western Union again to make money pants receipt to you and will scan receipt. Please to not offend me or i are to make it cancelled again.

I are a human and demand respect monkey guts fox heidelburg losing tumor!! And you are not sending me more photos of Ms. Rita Amara. I are demanding photos of her or other Union Bank employees.

May the shadow of God's umbrella not provide you any solstice from the light of satan's bonfire today i settled all family business so don't tell me that you're innocent.
Gunther

#65 The Good Barrister has Fevered Dreams.
Donald holds a requiem for a fevered dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson ____@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 5:23:00 AM
Subject: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Dearest Brother Gunther,
Good morning to you,
How are you ? i hope you are fine and excellent today.

i am so sorry for my late reply,The fever eventually knocked me down yesterday ,But i am feeling better now.Any way dont worry i will be fine .

This morning i dreamt seeing myself Donald klen in america with you ,Happy and drinking in a nice bar .i wish this dream come true,or what do u think may be the fever?

Please dont allow the bank in nigeria to upset you and especially the stupid olu braimoh,All we have to do is to allow them wire the fund into your account in america ,then we can forget about them and every thing regarding mr olu and co and bank ok .

Tell me, have you seen Mr timothy and have you gone to the western union?.

i will make a call now to the bank and will write a petition aganist mr olu and make sure the sack him if he fails to apologie to you.

But in any case contact the western union so we can receive our fund.
Love you so much bro Gunther and God bless you forever
Barr Klen

#66 The Plot Thickens
I just need a few more emails to complete my story arc!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 8:14:12 AM
Subject: Re: Are you there brother Gunther in America

Dearest loving brother barrister klen,
I are so overjoyed with mustard seed babbaganoush mexican taco your fever are over and you are healthy like mosquito with vampire blood. I are to wish your dream come true as well. Are you to visit Timothy Olyphant and me in California? Maybe here you are to have marital relations and find a woman! How joyous would that be, all of us laughing on the beach dancing in circles, you, me, and Timothy Olyphant! It are a wondrous thought mexican taco. Please to describe me what are type of woman you are wanting for marital relations. Timothy Olyphant are knows many women who are to be your marital felations and may your first child, be a masculine child!

Please to begin petition against Mr. Olu. He are deserving to be fired most now for his rudeness to an old man like me. I are thinking Mr. Olu wants to kill me. And i are not seeing Timothy Olyphant for one whole week now! I are scared for Timothy Olyphant and scared for me.. I are to believe i are to pass from this life soon, like Mrs. Franca Jones. Please to tell me she are still alive? She are not replied to my email. Now both she and Timothy Olyphant are gone from me, and i are to take my life i are thinking. If i are not receiving email from Mrs. Franca Jones, that all hope are lost and i are to take my life from this mortal coil tzatziki sauce greco roman bumble bee.
God bless us both and damn Mr. Olu to hell,
Gunther

#67 The Union Bank is Waiting...
So they're glad I accepted their apology for saying things they never said. These guys... I tell ya...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ____@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 11:06:42 AM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR SPECIAL CUSTOMER AND BENEFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE .

WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRECTORS THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING OUR APOLOGY. ONCE AGAIN WE ARE TRUELY SORRY.
NOTE
AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR WESTERN UNION SLIP, YOUR PAYMENT APPROVAL DOCUMENTS WILL BE PROCESSED AND SENT TO YOU AND
UNION BANK WILL COMMENCE WITH THE IMMEDIATE WIRING OF YOUR $8.5 MILLION USD INTO SAN SIMEON CALIFONIA BANK ACCOUNT SUCESSFULLY.
WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU .
THANK YOU
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#68 Gunther Defends Saving Private Ryan
Well... why not? They apologized for calling me a stupid face potatoe dookie, and that didn't even happen. This DID happen, so they better apologize for it! And yes, the gibberish is increasing exponentially.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 11:48:15 AM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Dear Mr. Olu,
Gestation thank you corn yellowstone for gaggle venus karate yamaha make apology!! Because you are kind and made apology I are walked to Western Union and made payment, so are attached are my receipt from Western Union. But i are not hearing from my best friend Timothy Olyphant so i are going to cancel the payment and kill myself because Saving Private Ryan are not winning Academy Award!!! Why are this not happen!? Mexican taco! Burrito chimmichanga!! Jimmy Smits!! I are finding Union Bank arae making funds to company that are made movie Shakespear in Love.

So now I are demand apology from Union Bank for funding Shakespeare in Love and making Mister Spielberg sad on day of awards that he are not winning for making great historical drama. If Union Bank are not apologize for Shakespeare in Love winning Academy Award over Saving Private Ryan, i are to kill myself and then are to make cancellation of payment to Union Bank!! Salsa burrito! Please know i are serious and this are not childsplay chucky doll generous mexican taco! Gunther keeps promises and if i are not to receive apology as i are stated above, then i are to make my promise reality borneo hacienda nomar garciaparra.

I are await your reply and apology with attachment here of receipt for Union Bank payment of $600.00
Gunther

Check out that question and answer...

#69 Gunther is not to be kept waiting.
There are way more rules to handling Gunther than a Gremlin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 2:16:21 PM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Since you are not replying to my email i are to call Western Union and make cancellation of latest attempt to make payment. Dog breaker morant babbaganoush mexican taco. I are not sure why you are making childsplay of this again.
Gunther

#70 The Union Bank Wakes up
But they still don't get how to make a true apology.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 2:29:23 PM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR SPECIAL CUSTOMER AND BENEFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE .

WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRECTORS WISH TO APLOGIES for funding Shakespeare in Love and making Mister Spielberg sad on day of awards that he are not winning for making great historical drama

ONCE AGAIN WE ARE TRUELY SORRY.
NOTE

AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR WESTERN UNION SLIP, YOUR PAYMENT APPROVAL DOCUMENTS WILL BE PROCESSED AND SENT TO YOU AND
UNION BANK WILL COMMENCE WITH THE IMMEDIATE WIRING OF YOUR $8.5 MILLION USD INTO SAN SIMEON CALIFONIA BANK ACCOUNT SUCESSFULLY.
WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU .
THANK YOU
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#71 Gunther is just a dick.
Seriously. Now he's just pushing them, he wants a genuine apology. His genital crotcheral region may not deserve a genuine apology, but dammit all to hell, Steven Spielberg does!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 2:35:10 PM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

I are thinking you are only apologizing because i are saying so. Are you truly sorry for funding Shakespeare in Love to win the Oscar over Saving Private Ryan? You are not even saying the words "Saving Private Ryan" in your apology? How is that a true apology? Moniker hacienda tribulations! I are wishing to believe you but you are not saying Saving Private Ryan are the better movie than Shakespeare in Love. You are to make more insult to Mr. Spielberg and he are not to be happy with insult, less than me. Please to not copy what i are writing, please to write from your heart that you are wrong for funding the movie Shakespeare in Love and that Saving Private Ryan truly are a much more better movie that are should have Oscar winning tale of two cities charles dickens t. boone pickens.
Gunther

#72 The Union Bank Doesn't Know how to cut their losses.
Their reading comprehension skills are seriously lacking. And yet they keep at it. This mindset is so fascinating...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 3:15:55 PM
Subject: Re: APOLOGY BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR SPECIAL CUSTOMER AND BENEFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE NOW .

WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRECTORS WISH TO APLOGIES FOR FUNDING SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE AND SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

SIR I WISH TO INFORM YOU TO GIVE US FEW HOURS TO PROCESS YOUR PAYMENT APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASING AND WIRING OF YOUR FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

ONCE AGAIN WE ARE TRUELY SORRY.
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#73 The Union Bank actually tried to cash it in!
Holy crap did they take that fake Western Union receipt to the office and try and cash it? Oh lordy that is epic! Or did they just now notice how much erroneous information is on the receipt? Either way, Gunther is as Gunther does.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Wed, May 11, 2011 3:46:34 PM
Subject: NEW UPDATE

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR SPECIAL CUSTOMER AND BENEFICARY OF FUND OF LATE DR PHILIP JONES THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED IN OUR OFFICE .

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR WESTERN UNION INFORMATION.

MRS RITA AND MRS STELLA IS NOT AVAILABLE TO CASH THE FUND THE HAVE TRAVELLED TO A BOARD MEETING IN GHANA THIS MORNING AND ARE NOT COMING SOON,ALSO THE FUND IS SENT TO ADDRESS IN BEVERLY HILLS CALIFONIA AND NOT LAGOS NIGERIA.

MORE SO THIS IS WORK OF THE REMITTANCE OPEARTION DEPARTMENT.
CONTACT THE THE WESTERN UNION UNION AND RESEND THE MONEY WITH EITHER THE BANK TREASURER NAME OR MR OLU.
ADDRESS
LAGOS NIGERIA .
NAME, AZUBUIKE O OKPALA.
DESTINATION LAGOS NIGERIA
PLEASE SIR,WE APOLOGIES FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
ADHERE TO OUR INSTRUCTION ,SO YOU CAN RECEIVE YOUR FUND AND THIS TRANSACTION FINALISED
THANKS FOR CO OPEARTION
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

Our Saga concludes in Part V!

Gunther Schvwardson and Timothy Olyphant against the League of Extraordinary Nigerian Scammers - Part III

2011-05-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

What an excellent day for a scambaitism.

Our Story So Far

Read part uno and part dos.

Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Part I

Gunther and Timothy Olyphant Part II

#37 The Union Bank Relies on Timothy Olyphant

Timothy Olyphant is reliable. Even the Union Bank wants Gunther to rely on Timothy Olyphant. And they just leave that apology in there. Which is fine by me, I don't know if I'll ever get tired of reading it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com

To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com

Sent: Thu, May 5, 2011 10:20:58 PM

Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE

ATTENTION:

Mr Gunther Schvwardson

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

SIR, I HAVE PRINTED OUT THE ATTACHMENT 5 TIMES YET , I CANNOT SEE A SINGLE WORD,PLEASE DONT ATTACH ANY MORE.

FIND MR TIMOTHY TO HELP YOU WRITE OUT THE INFORMATIONS I REQUESTED FROM THE WESTERN UNION SLIP.

1,NAME OF SENDER?

2,MTCN NUMBERS?

3,TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER.

SIR PLEASE WRITE OUT THIS INFORMATION FOR ME BY EMAIL SO THAT I CAN ENSURE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS FINALISED BY TOMMORROW AND YOUR INHERITANCE FUND REFLECT INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT RUDE AND I DONT MEAN TO DISRESPECT YOU ,I AM ONLY TRYING TO DO MY JOB .NOW I SAY APOLOGY TO SIR GUNTHER SCHVWARDSONS GENITAL CROTCHERAL REGION.PLEASE KINDLY ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

NOTE GO AHEAD AND SEND THOSE INFORMATION BY EMAIL AND NOT ATTACHMENT.

THANKS

REGARDS.

MR OLU BRAIMOH.REMITTANCE OPERATION DIRECTOR (UNION BANK PLC)

#38 The Good Barrister

So after that revelation about Osama, the Good Barrister is calm like a bomb. He's good... I mean your heart really goes out to this schmoe. He plays his role very well... unfortunately for him, so do I.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk

To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 1:35:47 AM

Subject: Re: Good news for you sir

Dear Mr Gunther Schvwardson

Good morning to you,

How are you this morning ? i hope you are fine and excellent.

I am truely sorry for my late reply,Thanks for your emails.

Sir i want you to know that i am not angry with you at all,and i will soonest take some good pictures and send to you in america to keep.i visited Mrs franca yesterday evening,i am surprised that she is responding gradually.May God help her.

i am truly sorry if the union bank have insulted you , i have already posted my compalint to the general manager.Please dont be offended.

Mind you that africa are not in any way develop like the western world or america,So pls always try to over look and forgive us our trespasses.

i have not received any email from mr timothy,if its ok by you i will be happy to be good friends you too,

Also i willbe happy to see your picture with him ,pls send it to me.

Finally ,You can as well send me this information as your barrister , to send to the bank,The only requested for

1,NAME OF SENDER?

2,MTCN NUMBERS ?

3,TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER

Sir you can send it to them ok,or to me.i really want to give mrs franca this news soon and also see you two American visit us here.

Pls adhere to bank instruction ,hoping to hear from you .

God bless gunther.

yours obedient

Barrister Klen

#39 Gunther Sends them the Western Union Receipt..

I've always thought Adobe Photoshop was an amazing program capable of doing incredible things. Now I'd like to submit 'frustrating Nigerian Scammers' as another of it's incredible properties! Queue Calm Like a Bomb by Rage Against the Machine. Had to, I just set it up above!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com

To: unionbank_nig_plc1@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 10:28:32 AM

Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE DEAR CUSTOMER

Dear Mister Olu Braimoh,

Please to find attachment of Western Union payment slip. I are attaching it here, please to see if it are of correct size of kangaroo bratislava squeezing bronchitis. I are losing my glasses magenta firefighter yolanda jackson. I are very worried because i are not hearing from my best friend Timothy Olyphant who are now missing bedside riverdance forlorn thumper. Now attachment are much larger than elephant making nocturnal urinal discharge into your waiting oral cavity.

I are only can write into email information of numbers on receipt with my best friend Timothy Olyphant's help. I are not hearing from Timothy Olyphant last night, Timothy Olyphant are did not take me to dinner at Applebees! I are so worried for Timothy Olyphant's health. So please for now i are hoping the attachment are ok, otherwise please to wait for me to are getting help from Timothy Olyphant.

May God bless the United States of America and me, and Timothy Olyphant.

Gunther

Ah the pixelation... hahahahaha!

#40 Timothy Olyphant Has Gone Missing!!!

Gunther is lost without his best friend! What could possibly come of this development? I'm trying to get them to say they received an email from Timothy Olyphant. They lie about everything else to keep Gunther appeased, why not this? And you can probably get a good idea of what's laying around my desk with the Gunther Gibberish. And I really can't emphasize enough how cool I think Timothy Olyphant is, just in case anyone could possible misconstrue these ridiculous shenanigans as anything but complimentary to him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 10:38:44 AM
Subject: Re: Good news for you sir

Dear Mister Barrister Donald Klen,
I are very worried about my best friend Timothy Olyphant! Timothy Olyphant are not contacted me last night as Timothy Olyphant are supposed to take me to dinner at Applebees. I are much worried gorilla taiwan screaming gingivitis. Timothy Olyphant are to help me with attachment to receipt of western union to electronic mail to Union Bank. I are sent to Union Bank today another receipt to attached to mail posting health fluoride fork knife. Please to help me! Timothy Olyphant are told me last time i are talking to Timothy Olyphant that Timothy Olyphant are to send you electronic mail of introduction. If you are not hearing from Timothy Olyphant i are not sure what i are to do! I are to go into deep sadness if you are not got email from Timothy Olyphant! Please i are to pray to our Lord our God who art in our Heaven that Timothy Olyphant did send to you an mail of introduction saying hello.

If God are not to hear my prayers i are to make feces until i pass. but i pray now as i are did before for mrs. Franca Jones health and God did hear me then, so i are to pray God are to hear me now and have you receive Timothy Olyphant's mail. if you are not received Timothy Olyphant's mail than i are going to end my everything deer stearate organic sunflower glycol oil seed orange flower tooth ache.

And what did the Bank general manager are saying to you about Mr. Olu Braimoh, that son of an oily magenta colored dog with fleas that defecate on monday nights after watching girls in falluja make balance on chocolate. I are thinking Union Bank should fire Mr. Olu! He are sending me picture of himself making nocturnal feces on conference table of Board Meeting of Union Bank! Are this not evidence to are having Mr. Olu fired from bank? I are can send you photograph of Mr. Olu that he did send to me if are can fire him from Union Bank.
May God bless America, and me, and Timothy Olyphant and you. Say hello to your mother for me.
Gunther

#41 The Union Bank Knows How to Deal with Gunther.
I love the sycophantic tone of this email, the Union Bank trembling in their tight pantaloons...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 2:17:05 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE

Mr Gunther Schvwardson,

THIS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR EMAIL WAS RECEIVED AND ATTACHMENT OF WESTERN UNION SLIP OF PAYMENT COMFIRMED IN YOUR EMAIL NOW.

SIR, I REALLY WANT TO APOLOGIES TO YOU FOR PUTTING YOU INTO A LOT OF STRESS,PLEASE ACCEPT APOLOGY AND UNDERSTAND THAT

I AM ONLY TRYING TO DO MY WORK AND ENSURE THAT YOUR $8.5 MILLION USD REFLECT INTO YOUR CITY BANK ACCOUNT SUCESSFULLY IN CALIFONIA.

SIR I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A MONIOR PROBLEM WITH YOUR SCANNING MACHINE MAY BE THE INK IS FINISHED .

IF YOU CANNOT GET US THIS INFORMATION BY EMAIL ,THEN THIS BANK WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR FRIEND TIMOTHY TO COME AND SEND US THE ABOVE INFORMATION BY EMAIL TO ENABLE US CASH THE MONEY AND RELEASE YOUR FUND .

FROM THE PAYMENT SLIP WE HAVE COMFIRMED THAT YOU PERSONALLY SENT THIS MONEY.

1 NAME OF SENDER> Mr Gunther Schvwardson
2 MTCN NUMBER IS THE TEN DIGIT NUMBER AT THE RIGHT SIDE IN SMALL BOXES
WE ONLY CAN SEE 4431 THE REST IS PLANK.
3 TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER
WE CAN ONLY SEE //// ARE YOU A D ,ANSWER MY

SIR THE REST IS PLANK,IF YOU HAVE THE ORGINAL COPY THEN YOU CAN SEE THESE INFORMATION REQUESTED AND SEND IMMEDIATELY TO US.

THANKS FOR CO OPERATION
REGARDS.
MR OLU BRAIMOH.REMITTANCE OPERATION DIRECTOR (UNION BANK PLC)

#42 Gunther is Losing his Cool.
Crazy how they'll make up anything and lie through their teeth but won't admit to receiving a fake email from Timothy Olyphant to appease me. The Nigerian Scammer mindset is incredibly interesting...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank
Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 2:39:18 PM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE

Mr. Olu Braimoh,
You are causing of great stress to me!!!! I are making anger like cupcake batter squeezed in toes of giant man named frederickson!!! Making anger faces are causing urine to flow in my pantaloons!!!!! You are making causing of so stress and are not telling me where is my best friend Timothy Olyphant!!!! I are now scared!!!!

You are saying you are not hearing from Timothy Olyphant? I are not hearing from Timothy Olyphant? Are you to know where Timothy Olyphant are at? Please to tell me Timothy Olyphant are telling you Timothy Olyphant are at Timothy Olyphant's house and i are to go there and see. Please to tell me that or i are to make defeaning noise of trumpet in ears until bursting of flatulence margarine violet necrosis guerilla dancer poppy seed oil!!

My scanner are not broken. Are you saying i are having crap for scanner? Maybe my scanner are bad scanner. if i are have bad scanner than i are bad person too. i are bad. now i are crying. you are making me cry. i are to wait and hear from my best friend Timothy Olyphant because Timothy Olyphant are always to make me happy. i are to wait until you are telling me you know that Timothy Olyphant are home and i are then to go see him.

God bless me and give you flatulence of nocturnal origins burnt sienna cave diving hysterctomy bowels india fastidious.
Gunther

#43 The Good Barrister Lays it on THICK!
He just won't admit it. He is one tough cookie to crack. I am really beginning to like this guy. Such a fascinating mindset on what they will and won't lie about...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson ______@yahoo.com
Sent: Fri, May 6, 2011 6:35:46 PM
Subject: Hello Brother Gunther In America

Dearest Brother Gunther Schvwardson,

How are you ? i hope you are fine and good.

Sorry for my late reply.
i dont feel happy now after reading your email.

This is because you are special to me now and have become part of my life,So i never want to see you unhappy ,Through you i am confident that my family and the rest of my village will be rescused from poverty.

i am not happy about your best friend Timothy Olyphant ,Where is he? You have to find him because its pains me that i am in far away africa to help you find him

Also

To be frank with you ,i have not received any email of what so ever or introduction from you best friend.

Brother i received a post in my office from the union bank,The explained to me that your fund have been counted and arranged and ready to wire .

The insist that you are the one delaying the bank from finalising this transaction by refusing to give the information of western union by email.

i know that you may not need this fund ,but please just receive this fund for my sake ,so i can help my sick mother ,family and villagers dieing of poverty .

Please dont allow the union bank management to canceal this transaction,because if the do ,i will never be happy for the rest of my life .

Please find some one to help you send the information requested by the bank by email,plsssssssss or you do it your self .

its a simple information,

Name of sender of western union?
Mtcn number,its there on the slip ?
Text question and answer,Please send this information to the bank , so you can receive your fund successfully ,why i celebrate with my people here.

About mr olu i will deal with him and he must be sacked but not now so he cannot be a hindrance .Mrs franca is getting better ,She was moved to another word this morning ,i will still see her tommorrow .

Please send me email and tell me that you have sent those information to the union bank. i wait your email and also good news of yours friend.

Dont worry be happy ,every thing will be fine.
May God in heaven bless gunther and keep him alive for me, may his blessing,love,peace ,joy and happiness be fall you always. Obedient
Barrister Klen

#44 The Good Barrister Can't Stay Away!
Little does he know I don't scambait on weekends. So i just let 'em stew, wondering what happened to Gunther.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen
To: Gunther Schvwardson
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 5:25:35 AM
Subject: Good morning Gunther

Hello Sir Gunther,

Good morning to you,

How are you today? i hope you are fine and excellent .
How was your weekend? hope good.

i am so worried that i havent heard from you,Please is any thing the matter?
Have i annnoyed you? pls i am on my kness and asking for your forgiveness if i have .

Pls update me on the condition of events ,Have you seen your best friend? and have you sent the information to the bank?update so i can rejoice.

My pictures are ready,Should i send them?
When are you sending yours?
i will be so happy to hear from you,

Have a wonderful day and may God in heaven continue to shower is good blessing upon you and also give you joy happiness now and ever.
Yours Faithfully
Barrister Klen

#45 The Union Bank are a bunch of Jerks!
They just don't know how to make Gunther happy...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: UNION BANK NIG - PLC unionbank_nig_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 6:58:48 AM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE DEAR CUSTOMER

Mr Gunther Schvwardson

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR CUSTOMER THAT UNION BANK OF NIGERIA IS STILL WAITING FOR THE WESTERN UNION INFORMATIONS REQUESTED BY EMAIL.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATION YOUR BANK WILL BE CONTACTED AND $8.5 MILLION DOLLARS WILL REFLECT IMMEDIATELY INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN CALIFONIA UNITED STATES.

NOTE
YOU CAN AS WELL GET THESE INFORMATIONS FROM THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE WHERE YOU SENT THE MONEY FROM,CONTACT THE WESTERN UNION
AND ASK THEM TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION FOR YOU ,
1
MTCN NUMBER?
2
TEXTQUESTION AND ANSWER?
3
AMOUNT SENT?
4
RECEIVER NAME?

BE INFORMED THAT ,THIS IS THE ONLY FACTOR WITHHOLDING YOUR INHERITANCE FUND FROM REFLECTING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

GET US THESE INFORMATIONS TO ENABLE US SERVE YOU BETTER AND YOUR FUND TRANSFERED SUCCESSFULLY IN TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

DONT KEEP THIS BANK WAITING
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#46 Gunther Demands Another Apology!
Have they learned nothing? You offend Gunther, you make apology. I really want them to say the below...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: unionbank_nig_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 10:14:19 AM
Subject: Re: UNION BANK UPDATE DEAR CUSTOMER

Dear Mr. Olu,
You are being very rude to me. I are demanding another apology. You are saying my scanner are broken which are means i are broken, and i are not broken. my testes are not broken. you are to make formal apology to Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson's right testes for saying that he are broken when he are not broken, he are working just fine!

Now please you are finding attached my western union receipt, which i are fixed and are scanning again. my scanner are not broken i are not thinking. plaster cup white cord brown cord computer telephone headset application lamp.

I are becoming mucho irritado with you Mr. Olu. if you are not apologizing i are becoming punches into crotcheral region and making introduction of handsaw with your genital feces.

Please to call me Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes from now on until we are friends again, for now you are made my upset.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes

Woops a little blurry.... hahahahaha...

#47 Gunther Cries For the Good Barrister
Seriously, who wouldn't? After all those emails of woe and sorrow... so close to getting that picture from Donald Klen!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson ____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 9:45:37 AM
Subject: Re: Good morning Gunther

My Darling Mister Barrister Donald Klen,
Please to make forgiveness like buddha talking with crane about berries for ape. i are gone for entire weekend to make marital relations with woman named Rox of outside of Winterfel. She are did tell me of Tyrion Lannister who are scaring me more than badman monkeyman google bicycle.

And I are NOT seeing Timothy Olyphant! I are very scare are to what are happenned to Timothy Olyphant. It are been almost more than one week since i are hearing from Timothy Olyphant. I are crying now thinking, like child making feces in pantaloons after dance with pretty girls.

It are makes me laugh now and happy like child making feces in pantaloons after dance with ugly girls that Mrs. Franca Jones are feeling better. Please to make sure you are making my prayers known to her useless brain! This are makes me very happy.

Please to tell the Union Bank that THEY are delaying in sending the transcation. I are sent them all the paperwork they are saying from Western Union and they are not sending me the monies in my pantaloons. And I are needing the money more than you are i think, even though your mother is sick and villagers are dieing. Say hello to your mother for me.

Please to send your pictures! This are making my heart sing with joy like person stupid in head. I are finding my old pictures i are taken with my best friend Timothy Olyphant and are going to reply with those pictures to you. Please to send as many pictures as you are having. and i are hoping to see pictures of your mother too.

Please to ask the Union Bank if they are received my Western Union receipt with all information they are asking. I are can send once again if they are not having it, i are not knowing why they are so rude to me. please to ask them to treat me with kindness, as i are old man and would like kindness in the world, not mean badman like Union Bank and Hitler.

May God's katana cut through the bindings of your soul by satan and set you free to fly the serengeti plain with mufasa.
Yours faithlessly,
Gunther

#48 The Union Bank Is Frustrated with Gunther
No... really? This guy has the patience of a chopping block. Although they can't read, they didn't get my name right, and didn't apologize, again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ___@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 11:33:58 AM
Subject: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

ATTENTION: MISTER HONORABLE SIR GUNTHER ALEXANDRA SMITHSONIANS SCHVWARDSON,

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU OUR CUSTOMER THAT WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF UNION BANK OF NIGERIA ARE KNOW LONGER HAPPY REGARDING THE WAY YOU ARE HANDLING THE TRANSFER OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND .

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR ATTACHMENT IS NOT CLEAR,WE CAN CANNOT SEE THE TEN DIGIT NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER ,ITS PLANK.

PLEASE SEND US ONLY THIS TWO REQUESTED INFORMATION BY EMAIL OR CONTACT THE WESTERN UNION FOR THESE INFORMATION,CHECK THE WESTERN UNION SLIP AND EMAIL US THESE INFORMATION ONLY .

SIR I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE DEALYING US FROM FINALISING THIS TRANSACTION.SEND US THIS INFORMATION IMMEDIATELY,THESE MONEY WAS SENT BY YOU.CHECK YOUR SLIP .

NOTE
1
MTCN NUMBER TEN DIGIT NUMBERS ,ITS THERE IN THE SLIP ?
2
TEXTQUESTION AND ANSWER

BE INFORMED THAT ,THIS IS THE ONLY FACTOR WITHHOLDING YOUR INHERITANCE FUND FROM REFLECTING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

GET US THESE INFORMATIONS TO ENABLE US SERVE YOU BETTER AND YOUR FUND TRANSFERED SUCCESSFULLY IN TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
DONT KEEP THIS BANK WAITING
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#49 Gunther Wants the Truth!!
Gunther's orders are to be followed. Just ask Lance Corporal Dawson.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson
To: Union Bank
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 12:00:43 PM
Subject: Re: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

Mr. Olu,
I are insulted by you!! You, sir, are most rude. You are fanny pack wearing jazz handed monkey brain copenhagen douche. I are not caring if entire board of douches of Union Bank are know longer happy, because I are no longer happy!! Are you able to read? I are demanding apology! DEMAND! Without apology i are going to send my western union to another bank that has contacted me for withdrawal of funds. Since you are not referring to me as Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes. You are only referring to me as Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson. This is most insulting. And you are not apologizing. I are angry and insulted and most mad at you. It seems YOU are not wanting this transaction to occur. I are believing YOU wish to steal my money from me by delaying this transaction.

I are believing you are badman like Hitler and Osama Bin Laden and Hans Gruber. You are trying to steal my money by delaying transaction. I are sending you clear scan of my western union receipt and you are saying mucho insulting and rudeness to me. I are going to send my money to another bank in Nigeria that are being very kind and nice to me, unlike you, potato head.

You don't tell me to check my slip, you check your slip.

Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes

#50 The Good Barrister Tries More Damage Control
This guy... I tell you this guy... he's holding out on that picture, the last card he's got! And I want it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 11:50:21 AM
Subject: HELLO BROTHER GUNTHER I AM WAITING

Hello Brother Gunther,

Praise be to God,i am so happy to hear from you,My mind is relaxed finally.

i wonder where your friend timothy is? only God knows.Any way i pray there isnt any problem.

Brother there is a problem,i spoke with Mr olu on the telephone now,He doesnt sound happy,He insist that the attachment is not clear,i cannot understand why this is happening.

The bank is only requesting for two information from the payment slip,
He said mtcn number and the text question and answer.Please check the information slip and give them the above information,so i can rejoice with my family and freinds .

Send the information to the bank or me and even attached slip .

As soon as i hear from you i would send you the pictures,beacuse i would happy is finalised .
Thanks
Barrister Klen

#51 Gunther's Eleven
Mr. Olu was trying to do his best Terry Benedict, but he's no Andy Garcia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 12:05:33 PM
Subject: Re: HELLO BROTHER GUNTHER I AM WAITING

Dear Brother Donald,

I are believing Olu Braimoh are trying to steal our moneys!! he are thief just like American Banks stealing money from peoples and like George Bush who are stealing votes from Latverians and destroy our Latverian nation. I are sending Mr. Olu potato head a clear scan of my Western Union receipt which are has all the information he are requesting, and he are delaying in sending me money. I are thinking you should report Mr. Olu to the police as he are trying to steal our money. Please to tell Mr. Olu i are most unhappy with him as he are potato head. I sent Union Bank information and attach slip and they are delaying.

Please to calm me and relax my mind by sending your pictures, only this will make me feel happy agan with my good friend Brother Donald. Otherwise i are going to send my western union money to another bank in Nigeria that are acting very nice and kind to me, unlike Union Bank, which are being so rude and mean. I are demand apology from Union Bank and they are not make apology, but make more insult to me and call me bad names.
I pray we may all rejoice together one day over the grave of Mr. Olu,
Gunther

#52 The Union Bank Issues Another Amazing Apology
I'm not sure if this one is even better than the first apology, even if it was hand fed to them..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
To: Gunther Schvwardson ___@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 2:17:03 PM
Subject: Re: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

RE: LATE DR PHILIP JONES APPROVED PAYMENT OF US$8.5 MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY

ATTENTION.
Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes

AN IMMEDIATE MEETING WAS HELD NOW ,AFTER RECEIVING YOUR EMAIL AND ALSO EMAIL FROM YOUR BARRISTER DONALD KLEN RECEIVED.

WE THE ENTIRE BOARD OF DIRCTORS AND MR OLU BREMIOH APOLOGIE TO YOU Mister Honorable Sir Gunther Alexander Smithsonian Schvwardson and His Genital Testes.

I WISH TO INFORM YOU, THAT I HAVE KNOW INTEREST IN YOUR FUND,AND THIS BANK NOR ME ,DO DONT NOT WISH TO HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH YOUR BARRISTER AND YOU AND AMERICAN CUSTOMER.

ALL THE DOCUMENTS ATTACHED ARE PLANK AND NOT CLEAR,WITHOUT THE MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER THERE IS KNOW WAY THIS BANK CAN RECEIVE FUNDS FROM WESTERN UNION

PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND OUR PROBLEM.

PLEASE OUR CUSTOMER DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY TO ANY OTHER BANK OR PERSON.

INFACT WE HAVE DECIED THAT YOU SHOULD CONTACT THE WESTERN UNION AND CANCEAL THIS TRANSACTION.

COLLECT THE MONEY AND SEND IT ONLY TO YOUR BARRISTER DONALD KLEN TO BRING TO OUR BANK,OR YOU SEND US MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER IN WESTERN SLIP IMMEDIATELY ,WE WILL CASH THE $600 USD SENT BY YOU IMMEDIATELY .

PLEASE SEND HIS INFORMATION OR MAKE ATTACHMENT CHECK IF ITS CLEAR THEN SEND OR COTACT WESETREN UNION OR CHECK IN THE SLIP.

ONCE AGAIN SIR I APOLOGIES TO YOU .

DO AS WE HAVE ASKED PLEASE AND SENDING US THIS WESTERN UNION MTCN TEN DIGIT NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION IS EASY.THEN GIVE US FEW HOURS I ASSURE THAT YOUR FUND WILL REFLECT IMMEDIATELY IN TO YOUR CITY BANK ACCOUNT CALIFONIA.

WAITING YOUR FAVOURABLE RELPY.
WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU .
THANK YOU SIR.
DIRECT OFFICE LINE +234- 8125775893,
REGARDS
MR OLU BRAIMOH

#53 Making Gunther Happy is Easy!
Just follow directions! And Timothy Olyphant must be wondering why his ears are ringing so much lately...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
To: Union Bank unionbankng_plc1@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 2:36:03 PM
Subject: Re: SEND US ONLY THIS TWO INFORMATION MTCN NUMBER AND TEXT QUESTION /ANSWER UPDATE UNION BANK

Dear Mr. Olu,

Thank you! Are seeing how easy it is to be my friend? You are now to call me Gunther Schvwardson as we are friends again, or if you are prefer you are to call me "Gunther the Gallant Grape Ape", but I are warning to you please to not be rude and potato head to me. I are just calling the Western Union office and cancelled the prior transaction. I are making new transaction with new receipt from Western Union. I are to scan in the new receipt and are to send it to you immediately. For your kindness now i are to make total amount for $1,000.00 because i are to be rich when i are receiving the $8.5USD, and you are now so kind to give full apology to me and Gunther's Genital Testes.

Please to notify me if my best friend Timothy Olyphant are to contact you. Mr. Timothy Olyphant are to be heping me go to Western Union as my car are broken. Timothy Olyphant are in car to take me to dinner and Western Union, but i are not hearing from Timothy Olyphant so I are going to search for Timothy Olyphant. Please to tell me, are Timothy Olyphant at Buddy Garrity's Bar or at the Nostromo? Please to tell me one or other so that i are going to search for Timothy Olyphant. Tell me where to go first, Buddy Garrity's Bar or the Nostromo? Please tell me where!

May God bless Timothy Olyphant,
Gunther

#54A/B We Finally See the Good Barrister
Hubba hubba...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _______@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 2:39:01 PM
Subject: Re: HELLO BROTHER GUNTHER I AM WAITING

Hello Brother Gunther,
Goodday to you.

i am so angry at Mr olu ,But pls brother i ask you,its it possible for you to give olu those two information requested by email send it ,mean while send me the attachment so i can view and see why its not clear.

Who sent the money pls tell me ?and why is it you can provide those information? please

and also the bank informed me that you want to send money another bank ,pls dont ok.

Let me see ,get me attachment slip and pls let see if there is any way you can get those information olu ,before i begin to take actions.

mean while enjoy this view pictures i will send more.

send me the attachment or give olu information ok .

God bless you Gunther

Watch out for crocodiles...

He's got a lil Dean Cain thing going on here...

Blue steel...

I'd say something appropriately mean about the smile, but I do have to remember this is a stolen picture of some poor dude and not actually a picture of Donald the Douche Klen.

And before I had a chance he jumped and sent another!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: donald klen d_klennnn@yahoo.co.uk
To: Gunther Schvwardson _____@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, May 9, 2011 2:46:22 PM
Subject: important
Hello Brother Gunther,

Hope you have received the pictures.
Please dont be offended,

is it possible for you to give olu the ten digit mtcn number pls and text question and answer from western union slip .

Pls tell me if you can get those information.

and who sent the money? and why cant you just provide those information?

i wish to hear before i take action and pls send me the attachment.

Barrister Klen

Our saga continues in Part vier!